I drank too much because I didn't know how to stop. I was feeling depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. I'm not going to say "yeah, I was right". I said things I shouldn't have said. I did things I should not have done. I said things I can't unsay and did things I can't undo. If I could, I would.
There were things that made me realize that I shouldn't be a part of her life anymore. For one thing, it's not like we're as close as we once were. She has new friends now. I have new friends too. My friends aren't from the suburbs, aren't housewives.
I felt out of place there, and I kept feeling like they were purposefully not including me. I did notice that. They'd all go out into the back yard and leave me sitting at the table. Then when I was sick of sitting by myself I went out there to 'try to socialize' and of course every time I do that it turns out to be a disaster. That's why I stay at home, that's why I don't try to call anyone, or try to be part of anyone's plans.
So when I went out there to be with them, they'd all go back inside and leave me out there. That happened a few times. At one point my friend was trying to get me to go to bed. If you think I'm so drunk that I have to go to bed, just call me a cab and send me home. That would have made more sense. The more I felt like they were avoiding me the worse I felt. So I should have left. Instead things got worse.
No matter how many times I apologize, I can never apologize enough. No matter how mad she is at me, I'm mad at myself. No matter how bad she wants me to feel by saying things. I already feel worse.
I would have been different if I had been so drunk. I'm not usually like that. Throw me in with people who judge me and treat me like that then yeah, my thoughts and feelings of whatever self worth I had go out the window.
Like I said, she has new friends now. She sees them more than she sees me. I see her maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. Opposed to the twice a week she makes time for her other friends. I see on facebook the things I don't get invited to. But I don't really care if she invites me to anything again. I'd actually rather not be invited anymore. All I do is ruin things for her. I'd rather be with my friends who sort of understand me. I know nobody is going to ever understand me. Everyone is going to judge me. Always. I even judge myself. It shows I care that I did apologize to one of her friends. I tried to apologize to her, too. But it's like she won't accept my apology or something and nothing I can do can make it up to her. Ever.
I'll always have her in my heart, but I know I won't always have her in my life.
There were things that made me realize that I shouldn't be a part of her life anymore. For one thing, it's not like we're as close as we once were. She has new friends now. I have new friends too. My friends aren't from the suburbs, aren't housewives.
I felt out of place there, and I kept feeling like they were purposefully not including me. I did notice that. They'd all go out into the back yard and leave me sitting at the table. Then when I was sick of sitting by myself I went out there to 'try to socialize' and of course every time I do that it turns out to be a disaster. That's why I stay at home, that's why I don't try to call anyone, or try to be part of anyone's plans.
So when I went out there to be with them, they'd all go back inside and leave me out there. That happened a few times. At one point my friend was trying to get me to go to bed. If you think I'm so drunk that I have to go to bed, just call me a cab and send me home. That would have made more sense. The more I felt like they were avoiding me the worse I felt. So I should have left. Instead things got worse.
No matter how many times I apologize, I can never apologize enough. No matter how mad she is at me, I'm mad at myself. No matter how bad she wants me to feel by saying things. I already feel worse.
I would have been different if I had been so drunk. I'm not usually like that. Throw me in with people who judge me and treat me like that then yeah, my thoughts and feelings of whatever self worth I had go out the window.
Like I said, she has new friends now. She sees them more than she sees me. I see her maybe twice a year if I'm lucky. Opposed to the twice a week she makes time for her other friends. I see on facebook the things I don't get invited to. But I don't really care if she invites me to anything again. I'd actually rather not be invited anymore. All I do is ruin things for her. I'd rather be with my friends who sort of understand me. I know nobody is going to ever understand me. Everyone is going to judge me. Always. I even judge myself. It shows I care that I did apologize to one of her friends. I tried to apologize to her, too. But it's like she won't accept my apology or something and nothing I can do can make it up to her. Ever.
I'll always have her in my heart, but I know I won't always have her in my life.
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