Keeping Things

I saw my kid this weekend. I took him to a chemistry show at the university. It was nice. I think he had a good time there. He fell asleep on me on the way home. It reminded me of when he fell asleep in my arms when he was a baby. I missed that so much! I miss him so much. My heart breaks when he leaves again. Every time. 

I'm sad tonight. I've been sad for a long time now. Sometimes I'm able to catch that fleeting happiness. And feel it, until it leaves me with the uneasiness of sadness once again. I refuse to take anymore of those pills. They just made me crazy and made me sick. I know that the chemistry in my brain is never going to be 'right' or 'normal'. I have to live with knowing that. There isn't much I can do about it, either. 

Today would have been Roger's birthday. I could see him kicking me for being sad because he died. He was like that. I just miss him and can't get him back. Life isn't fair, is it? We have to go through crap that isn't fair. Been wasting many years trying to 'cope' with things when there is no real way of 'coping'. Just existing and barely existing at that. Is there ever going to be a time in my life when I can say that I have things straightened out? And yet, I still feel like all my issues are minor compared to lots of other people in the world. So I should have reasons to be grateful and happy because of my gratitude. Rather than thinking of all the things in my life I'm missing out on. The things I need in order to feel like 'a real person' or 'complete' in some way or another. Feeling out of place in the world is nothing compared to the life I could have had if I lived somewhere else. If I lived in some war-torn country. 

I keep thinking how my sorrow is pointless because I could be desolate and have nothing. Then I'd know what REAL sorrow is. Sometimes I wish someone would come and take most of the stuff I have away from me. Just so that I can focus more on the important things in life. I have too much 'stuff'. I guess it is because a lot of people in my life are not 'a part' of my life. Slowly replacing the relationships I'm supposed to have with people, with things. Things don't get up and walk away. Most things can be replaced. People can walk away or be taken away. They cannot be replaced. 

I don't know why I feel the need to collect things. Save things. Keep things. In the end, those things are just things. People mean more to me. Yet, I don't have people. I have things. But having things means having something to hold onto. Memories come with things too. It's hard to let go of things I've kept for so long and for the wrong reasons. I know there are some people out there who know what I am talking about. 

Anyway, it is getting late and I should try to sleep. I have a bunch of stuff to do tomorrow.