Before I went to bed today I thought that I would write about just random stuff. My mind is all over the place. Maybe that tea this morning wasn't such a great idea... Anyway...
So work... Let's start there. They called me in for Monday, and Tuesday. I usually work Wednesdays anyway... Night shifts... I like them and hate them at the same time. I like the quiet and stillness of the night. It is peaceful. I can't stand crowds of people. That is one thing I hate about working Sundays. Also, the taking away of time that I get with my kid.
Working is alright. Not the best job, but it is something. On Monday night, I worked with a lady cleaning washrooms. Tuesdays night they asked me if I would work with her again. This time, she said she didn't need any help so I had to go back to what I was doing.
I'm mostly in the new building. Well pretty much all the time. There is a bunch of us working there. There's A****, and E*** who are the main two I work with. The other two guys T** and A****** do their own thing. A**** has a crush on a security guard (who works in our building). We call him 'Halloween'. That's his nickname because he likes walking around playing the theme song to Halloween (the movie) and likes to jump out from hiding places to scare A****. She's a French lady. I think they'd be cute together. He's so tall, taller than I am... She's so short. She even has called herself a midget. Not even 5 feet tall. 4' 11'' something like that.
Anyway, there's a guy who lives in my neighborhood and his friend who I walk with and take the bus with in the mornings. They are both younger than me. I don't know why it is, but I have the hardest time being attracted to any guys who are younger than me, even by a few years. To be honest, I've never dated anyone my own age. All the boyfriends I've had for long term relationships (1 + years) have at least been at least a year older than me. Honestly, the biggest age gap between a boyfriend and I has been 14 years. This guy happens to be my son's father. I know you're thinking that it is such a huge age difference. Especially when I was pretty young at the time I started dating him. He was older than I was when I STARTED dating him. I definitely could not see myself dating anyone the age I was at the age he was. BUT, I still think that things were supposed to have gone that way, not just because they did, but because I have a son from that relationship, who would never have been born if it weren't for that relationship I had. Also my longest relationship (5 years).
Sometimes I think about relationships and sometimes wonder who my next one might be with. Sometimes I wonder if the next one might last for the rest of my life... Then I realize that it shouldn't matter if I date or not. Because I have such a long way to go before I'm 'relationship ready'. A lot of the time I think that I might never be ready for that. I know that the longer I wait, the more worth while it could be. I rushed into it last time. Because I was lonely and I had nobody to care to really listen. You know, the way a mate listens and cares. I missed having a lover, too. But I don't really care about that anymore. Sometimes I miss it, and that is the only thing that says that I still do care, even a little bit... But I keep telling myself that it's not something I need in my life. My feelings are complicated and I can't sort it out while everything in my life is complicated by my feelings. I don't want to show my feelings. Been keeping them in a lot more because it's not easy to tell anyone (because nobody really cares about my feelings) and even though I know I'm having feelings. I don't know how to describe them or why I'm feeling like this. I know that keeping them in isn't doing much to help me, but I don't know what else to do. My feelings sabotage me because they can consume me, if I let them. So I have to work out my thoughts and try to be logical. Logic and rationality have never been my strong points. Probably has something to do with why I suck at math. (My kid LOVES MATH)
Anyway, listening to A**** talk about her crush makes me think of someone I have a crush on. I shouldn't even have a crush on anyone because of everything I just wrote about. Life is complicated enough without creating a 'love life'. My friends ask me "Don't you have 'NEEDS'?" They are referring to my 'sex life'. I just tell them "No, I don't need it". Kind of like when I was quitting smoking. Quitting 'men' is a lot harder than quitting cigarettes. Both cigarettes and men are everywhere, but there aren't any quitting campaigns for quitting men. So no tips on how to quit, or support groups... Hahaha! I'm not 'switch to the other team' either. If that is what you think I mean by quitting men.
Abby needs lots of time to discover who Abby really is. Abby needs to learn lots of things like assertiveness, confidence, awareness to name a few. Abby needs to learn to accept herself and program her mind not to let her body betray her aspirations. I do want to be a better person. I know I can be. I just have been stuck in these same patterns for years. I have been taught bad habits and taught myself bad habits. I don't want to have bad habits. Only good habits. Bad habits are hard to break It is hard to program one's self to do the right thing all the time. This is why discipline is such a powerful tool. It's just that my actions are overly influenced according to how I 'feel' about it at the time. Also I am stubborn (which makes bad habits even harder to break). Adding to that, I'm sentimental in my ways. I add meaning where there might not even be any. I'm addicted to my old ways. Because they are a huge part of who I am. The reluctance to make changes in myself probably comes from the fear of being someone I'm not used to being. Or becoming someone I know deep down inside that I want to be, but afraid that to be this person, I have to stop being myself. Even though it's not technically true. I'm still being me, I can even be a better me. I often wish I was a better me. All the time.
I read this recently:
"IT'S NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT HOLDS YOU BACK, IT'S WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT!"
Wouldn't it be great if we could wish ourselves into being whoever we wanted to be? Mind over Matter. You might be able to pretend you are whoever you want to be long enough that you become the person you are pretending to be... Practice makes perfect?
So work... Let's start there. They called me in for Monday, and Tuesday. I usually work Wednesdays anyway... Night shifts... I like them and hate them at the same time. I like the quiet and stillness of the night. It is peaceful. I can't stand crowds of people. That is one thing I hate about working Sundays. Also, the taking away of time that I get with my kid.
Working is alright. Not the best job, but it is something. On Monday night, I worked with a lady cleaning washrooms. Tuesdays night they asked me if I would work with her again. This time, she said she didn't need any help so I had to go back to what I was doing.
I'm mostly in the new building. Well pretty much all the time. There is a bunch of us working there. There's A****, and E*** who are the main two I work with. The other two guys T** and A****** do their own thing. A**** has a crush on a security guard (who works in our building). We call him 'Halloween'. That's his nickname because he likes walking around playing the theme song to Halloween (the movie) and likes to jump out from hiding places to scare A****. She's a French lady. I think they'd be cute together. He's so tall, taller than I am... She's so short. She even has called herself a midget. Not even 5 feet tall. 4' 11'' something like that.
Anyway, there's a guy who lives in my neighborhood and his friend who I walk with and take the bus with in the mornings. They are both younger than me. I don't know why it is, but I have the hardest time being attracted to any guys who are younger than me, even by a few years. To be honest, I've never dated anyone my own age. All the boyfriends I've had for long term relationships (1 + years) have at least been at least a year older than me. Honestly, the biggest age gap between a boyfriend and I has been 14 years. This guy happens to be my son's father. I know you're thinking that it is such a huge age difference. Especially when I was pretty young at the time I started dating him. He was older than I was when I STARTED dating him. I definitely could not see myself dating anyone the age I was at the age he was. BUT, I still think that things were supposed to have gone that way, not just because they did, but because I have a son from that relationship, who would never have been born if it weren't for that relationship I had. Also my longest relationship (5 years).
Sometimes I think about relationships and sometimes wonder who my next one might be with. Sometimes I wonder if the next one might last for the rest of my life... Then I realize that it shouldn't matter if I date or not. Because I have such a long way to go before I'm 'relationship ready'. A lot of the time I think that I might never be ready for that. I know that the longer I wait, the more worth while it could be. I rushed into it last time. Because I was lonely and I had nobody to care to really listen. You know, the way a mate listens and cares. I missed having a lover, too. But I don't really care about that anymore. Sometimes I miss it, and that is the only thing that says that I still do care, even a little bit... But I keep telling myself that it's not something I need in my life. My feelings are complicated and I can't sort it out while everything in my life is complicated by my feelings. I don't want to show my feelings. Been keeping them in a lot more because it's not easy to tell anyone (because nobody really cares about my feelings) and even though I know I'm having feelings. I don't know how to describe them or why I'm feeling like this. I know that keeping them in isn't doing much to help me, but I don't know what else to do. My feelings sabotage me because they can consume me, if I let them. So I have to work out my thoughts and try to be logical. Logic and rationality have never been my strong points. Probably has something to do with why I suck at math. (My kid LOVES MATH)
Anyway, listening to A**** talk about her crush makes me think of someone I have a crush on. I shouldn't even have a crush on anyone because of everything I just wrote about. Life is complicated enough without creating a 'love life'. My friends ask me "Don't you have 'NEEDS'?" They are referring to my 'sex life'. I just tell them "No, I don't need it". Kind of like when I was quitting smoking. Quitting 'men' is a lot harder than quitting cigarettes. Both cigarettes and men are everywhere, but there aren't any quitting campaigns for quitting men. So no tips on how to quit, or support groups... Hahaha! I'm not 'switch to the other team' either. If that is what you think I mean by quitting men.
Abby needs lots of time to discover who Abby really is. Abby needs to learn lots of things like assertiveness, confidence, awareness to name a few. Abby needs to learn to accept herself and program her mind not to let her body betray her aspirations. I do want to be a better person. I know I can be. I just have been stuck in these same patterns for years. I have been taught bad habits and taught myself bad habits. I don't want to have bad habits. Only good habits. Bad habits are hard to break It is hard to program one's self to do the right thing all the time. This is why discipline is such a powerful tool. It's just that my actions are overly influenced according to how I 'feel' about it at the time. Also I am stubborn (which makes bad habits even harder to break). Adding to that, I'm sentimental in my ways. I add meaning where there might not even be any. I'm addicted to my old ways. Because they are a huge part of who I am. The reluctance to make changes in myself probably comes from the fear of being someone I'm not used to being. Or becoming someone I know deep down inside that I want to be, but afraid that to be this person, I have to stop being myself. Even though it's not technically true. I'm still being me, I can even be a better me. I often wish I was a better me. All the time.
I read this recently:
"IT'S NOT WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE THAT HOLDS YOU BACK, IT'S WHAT YOU THINK YOU'RE NOT!"
Wouldn't it be great if we could wish ourselves into being whoever we wanted to be? Mind over Matter. You might be able to pretend you are whoever you want to be long enough that you become the person you are pretending to be... Practice makes perfect?
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