Yesterday, I went to a fair with my son. He went on rides while I took pictures and waited for him. We went to see the fireworks at the fairgrounds. Juliana Park. I hate going down town on Canada Day. Too many people, fights, drunken idiots... You name it, it happens downtown. It was a good day, but a long one. I was happy to be home.
I haven't been up to a lot these days. Which isn't good, I know. I want to get out more and try to live a bit. I just need friends to have those good times with. I try to have a good time by myself, but I always feel like I'm missing out and I want to have the kind of life other people have. I'm just not as outgoing as they are. I don't attract a lot of people. I don't even know if I want to because I've always been that 'behind the scenes' type of girl with her old school values.
It's hard to explain exactly how I am. Those who can kind of read between the lines have figured me out pretty good. Yet they still don't know me the way I know myself. There are lots of different layers of me. Layers upon layers, upon layers. Like an onion. (The only way I can describe it AND I could make you cry).
I am kind of complex. I was going to write perplexed instead, but I can be both. Think of a BIG box and inside the first box is another box. Inside the second box is a third box, inside that box is a box with boxes upon boxes inside of it. But when you get to the very last box, you can't open it. Because that very last box has my heart inside it. Even if anyone gets to my heart, I could revoke that privilege at any time and then that box gets sealed up even tighter than ever before. I alone hold that key to that box and I don't plan on letting that key out of my sight or grasp any time soon. I've let people open that box without them appreciating how hard it is and without them appreciating what was inside all the other boxes they had to open to get there. It just seems the more I get hurt, the more boxes there are. And here is the important part: I am the only one letting myself get hurt. Because I have the right to pull away when it is happening. I don't have to wait until it does happen.
I've had those feelings. Those feelings that say: WTF!? Why is he being such a f*cking *assh*le? Those are the feelings that make me want to stay away from dating (not from meeting new people) but from dating. I don't want to get close to anyone. I don't think I'll want to for a long time and I mean a LONG f*cking time. The last 'dating' experience really made me feel like: F*ck it! Why waste MY time? Why should I even care what THEY want. Because they will always want something and they`ll never give a f*ck what I want. The more they think of themselves, the less interested I am in wanting to be with ANYONE. It could sound selfish on my part, but I am beyond caring about it at this point. I was single for 5 years before I dated my last boyfriend. That means I DON`T NEED A MAN in my life. If I can survive the heartache of loneliness and it hasn`t killed me, IT MEANS IT WON`T KILL ME. It will make me STRONGER. Stronger than the other girls who just sleep with guys for the sake of having someone to sleep with.
In the next 5 years, I could learn so much about myself, about life that I don`t need the `love`of a `man` who isn't actually in love with me and who isn't actually a real man. Real men don't always act like little boys. Sometimes they do, just because they can't help it, but they actually do act like men and are man enough to treat a woman with respect and dignity. It means that they have discovered ways not to be so f*cking selfish and to think of other people instead of just themselves. CONSIDERATION goes A LONG WAY. EMPATHY goes a LONG WAY. Those two words alone could really make a relationship work, but those are just two things that are important. There are so many other things to think about. I don't want to date a guy who can't stop thinking about himself long enough to think about what he is or isn't DOING. I don't want to date a guy who does not think about what he's SAYING. You can say a lot with your actions or LACK THEREOF. And that is why I don't care to date until I actually meet a guy who is going to be 'there' on more than just that being present level.
Why? Because I deserve to have a loving relationship (one day). I deserve to be a wife (one day). I deserve to be HAPPY in a relationship instead of being the 'giving one'. The one who gives so much that I give in. Give into all the crap that I DON'T DESERVE. I was patient at first, but I realized the more patient I am with a guy, the more he thinks he can walk all over me. It's not going to happen. He can go F*CK RIGHT OFF if he thinks he can walk all over me.
I haven't been up to a lot these days. Which isn't good, I know. I want to get out more and try to live a bit. I just need friends to have those good times with. I try to have a good time by myself, but I always feel like I'm missing out and I want to have the kind of life other people have. I'm just not as outgoing as they are. I don't attract a lot of people. I don't even know if I want to because I've always been that 'behind the scenes' type of girl with her old school values.
It's hard to explain exactly how I am. Those who can kind of read between the lines have figured me out pretty good. Yet they still don't know me the way I know myself. There are lots of different layers of me. Layers upon layers, upon layers. Like an onion. (The only way I can describe it AND I could make you cry).
I am kind of complex. I was going to write perplexed instead, but I can be both. Think of a BIG box and inside the first box is another box. Inside the second box is a third box, inside that box is a box with boxes upon boxes inside of it. But when you get to the very last box, you can't open it. Because that very last box has my heart inside it. Even if anyone gets to my heart, I could revoke that privilege at any time and then that box gets sealed up even tighter than ever before. I alone hold that key to that box and I don't plan on letting that key out of my sight or grasp any time soon. I've let people open that box without them appreciating how hard it is and without them appreciating what was inside all the other boxes they had to open to get there. It just seems the more I get hurt, the more boxes there are. And here is the important part: I am the only one letting myself get hurt. Because I have the right to pull away when it is happening. I don't have to wait until it does happen.
I've had those feelings. Those feelings that say: WTF!? Why is he being such a f*cking *assh*le? Those are the feelings that make me want to stay away from dating (not from meeting new people) but from dating. I don't want to get close to anyone. I don't think I'll want to for a long time and I mean a LONG f*cking time. The last 'dating' experience really made me feel like: F*ck it! Why waste MY time? Why should I even care what THEY want. Because they will always want something and they`ll never give a f*ck what I want. The more they think of themselves, the less interested I am in wanting to be with ANYONE. It could sound selfish on my part, but I am beyond caring about it at this point. I was single for 5 years before I dated my last boyfriend. That means I DON`T NEED A MAN in my life. If I can survive the heartache of loneliness and it hasn`t killed me, IT MEANS IT WON`T KILL ME. It will make me STRONGER. Stronger than the other girls who just sleep with guys for the sake of having someone to sleep with.
In the next 5 years, I could learn so much about myself, about life that I don`t need the `love`of a `man` who isn't actually in love with me and who isn't actually a real man. Real men don't always act like little boys. Sometimes they do, just because they can't help it, but they actually do act like men and are man enough to treat a woman with respect and dignity. It means that they have discovered ways not to be so f*cking selfish and to think of other people instead of just themselves. CONSIDERATION goes A LONG WAY. EMPATHY goes a LONG WAY. Those two words alone could really make a relationship work, but those are just two things that are important. There are so many other things to think about. I don't want to date a guy who can't stop thinking about himself long enough to think about what he is or isn't DOING. I don't want to date a guy who does not think about what he's SAYING. You can say a lot with your actions or LACK THEREOF. And that is why I don't care to date until I actually meet a guy who is going to be 'there' on more than just that being present level.
Why? Because I deserve to have a loving relationship (one day). I deserve to be a wife (one day). I deserve to be HAPPY in a relationship instead of being the 'giving one'. The one who gives so much that I give in. Give into all the crap that I DON'T DESERVE. I was patient at first, but I realized the more patient I am with a guy, the more he thinks he can walk all over me. It's not going to happen. He can go F*CK RIGHT OFF if he thinks he can walk all over me.
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