If you know that one of my best friends killed himself, then you can guess that I'm going through a lot.
If you know me, then you know that there are reasons I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
I'm having a lot of problems. Not just because of this. My psychiatrist thinks I don't want help because I refuse to take f*cking medication. Going through withdrawals the rest of my life doesn't seem like living to me. Anyone who has ever gotten off of effexor knows what I mean.
I'm not going back there. She pretty much gave up on me when she didn't give me another appointment. She just said to call when I wanted help. Just because she thinks I don't want help because I don't want to take those pills that were making me sick. If the pills weren't making me sick, I'd stay away from them anyway because of the 2 overdose suicides in my life. Yeah give pills to someone vulnerable. The whole time I took those pills overdosing on them crossed my mind more than a few times. I actually did overdose once, and I was about 10 pills away from dying. So the doctors said. I took 31 pills. I overdosed on medication for people who have epilepsy. I didn't even know what it was supposed to be for until it came out after I O.Ded on it.
All I knew about it, at the time I was using it, was that it got me high. And that's all I cared about. Feeling something other than the emptiness that has pretty much been forced on me my whole life. And back then, I didn't have an apartment. I was 2 years away from being legal age to rent a room. I know because I was just old enough to rent a room two years later.
My stupid psychiatrist was like: "What are your thoughts on your friend?" She didn't even ask me what his name was! Shows how much she cares. My FRIEND .... ROGER..... KILLED HIMSELF.... BY AN OVERDOSE. I JUST FOUND OUT ON SUNDAY. ON FATHER'S DAY.
*CONNECTION*
IT WAS FATHER'S DAY. A DAY I'M THINKING OF MY FATHER AND THAT HE KILLED HIMSELF.... BY AN OVERDOSE.
AND ALL THE DOCTOR PRETTY MUCH SAYS IS THAT 'IF I NEED HELP' I SHOULD BE TAKING PILLS. WHY? DOES SHE WANT ME TO HAVE SOMETHING TO OVERDOSE ON?
So, yes... I am angry that there are a lot of very insensitive people in my life. People who are supposed to be supportive, but yet are really less supportive than being non-supportive. People wonder why I don't hang around with people much these days. Why I stay at home for days on end. I was thinking about that. If I'm going to be pretty much alone no matter where I go, why go anywhere?
So yes, I do sometimes use my blog to vent. Get my feelings down in words. Words that are at least honest because this is honestly how I feel. I've always said pretty much how I felt. If people can't handle my true emotions, then they don't have to read it.
I mean... I was 12 when my father died and it's taken a long time to overcome it. Capricorn's never let go of things that hurt them. That's why they always feel like their carrying more weight than they can handle. A death of a parent is hard enough, but when it's suicide... It's hard not to take it hard. The similarities make it harder. Just the fact that they are both gone... Because of what they did to THEMSELVES. And to ME!
Yet, I'm still not really angry at them for what they did, or at myself. I'm angry at the facts of life.
That I'm hurting when there is nobody to help me
That I'm needing someone to help me
That people always give up on me when I need them
That the people I'm supposed to reach out to don't give a sh*t
And that's enough to be angry about. I think those are the main reasons I've ever had to be angry all my life.
If you know me, then you know that there are reasons I'm having a hard time dealing with this.
I'm having a lot of problems. Not just because of this. My psychiatrist thinks I don't want help because I refuse to take f*cking medication. Going through withdrawals the rest of my life doesn't seem like living to me. Anyone who has ever gotten off of effexor knows what I mean.
I'm not going back there. She pretty much gave up on me when she didn't give me another appointment. She just said to call when I wanted help. Just because she thinks I don't want help because I don't want to take those pills that were making me sick. If the pills weren't making me sick, I'd stay away from them anyway because of the 2 overdose suicides in my life. Yeah give pills to someone vulnerable. The whole time I took those pills overdosing on them crossed my mind more than a few times. I actually did overdose once, and I was about 10 pills away from dying. So the doctors said. I took 31 pills. I overdosed on medication for people who have epilepsy. I didn't even know what it was supposed to be for until it came out after I O.Ded on it.
All I knew about it, at the time I was using it, was that it got me high. And that's all I cared about. Feeling something other than the emptiness that has pretty much been forced on me my whole life. And back then, I didn't have an apartment. I was 2 years away from being legal age to rent a room. I know because I was just old enough to rent a room two years later.
My stupid psychiatrist was like: "What are your thoughts on your friend?" She didn't even ask me what his name was! Shows how much she cares. My FRIEND .... ROGER..... KILLED HIMSELF.... BY AN OVERDOSE. I JUST FOUND OUT ON SUNDAY. ON FATHER'S DAY.
*CONNECTION*
IT WAS FATHER'S DAY. A DAY I'M THINKING OF MY FATHER AND THAT HE KILLED HIMSELF.... BY AN OVERDOSE.
AND ALL THE DOCTOR PRETTY MUCH SAYS IS THAT 'IF I NEED HELP' I SHOULD BE TAKING PILLS. WHY? DOES SHE WANT ME TO HAVE SOMETHING TO OVERDOSE ON?
So, yes... I am angry that there are a lot of very insensitive people in my life. People who are supposed to be supportive, but yet are really less supportive than being non-supportive. People wonder why I don't hang around with people much these days. Why I stay at home for days on end. I was thinking about that. If I'm going to be pretty much alone no matter where I go, why go anywhere?
So yes, I do sometimes use my blog to vent. Get my feelings down in words. Words that are at least honest because this is honestly how I feel. I've always said pretty much how I felt. If people can't handle my true emotions, then they don't have to read it.
I mean... I was 12 when my father died and it's taken a long time to overcome it. Capricorn's never let go of things that hurt them. That's why they always feel like their carrying more weight than they can handle. A death of a parent is hard enough, but when it's suicide... It's hard not to take it hard. The similarities make it harder. Just the fact that they are both gone... Because of what they did to THEMSELVES. And to ME!
Yet, I'm still not really angry at them for what they did, or at myself. I'm angry at the facts of life.
That I'm hurting when there is nobody to help me
That I'm needing someone to help me
That people always give up on me when I need them
That the people I'm supposed to reach out to don't give a sh*t
And that's enough to be angry about. I think those are the main reasons I've ever had to be angry all my life.
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