I'm upset. Every time I'm close to having what I want, it just goes into the sh*tter. I'm frustrated. After all the effort I've made in the last couple of weeks and then having to try to pull out strength from God knows where and just keep going. How much longer can I keep doing this? I don't think I have any strength left. Every time I make that wish, it turns into a nightmare for me emotionally when it comes crashing down.
So pick up the pieces and start again? What if I don't want to start again? What if there is no more strength for that? It's starting to feel like it's never going to happen. Ever. I should be OK with that and stop hoping for that kind of a future. I'm really no further ahead. I'm really going to get no further ahead in the next year or so. These types of set backs set me way back. I have to start all over again with the self esteem stuff because all of that's gone again. I was happy for the past couple of weeks. I should have realized that the same sh*t was going to happen. It was just a matter of time. It's a failure to communicate. What is wrong with communication? A lot. I'm fed up with those stupid failures and all the failures I've made in the last 10 years.
I should have realized that those words are just words. There's never any emotion behind them. There is no such thing as passion or trust or love. I'm a loving person and I want to share that with someone, but I just can't take it anymore. I find guys who only want me temporaily. Then they just think of reasons to hate me so that they can quickly get me out of their lives. I try and I try, but nothing I do or say makes any difference. It still feels the same. Sometimes much worse than the last time. And I just can't help it but to cry. If I don't then I may as well step onto a track when a train is going by. Of course I wouldn't because I have a kid. If I didn't have a kid, I wouldn't have much of a reason to get up in the morning.
The past couple of weeks I thought everything was going to get so much better and it was only a matter of waiting. But I have come to the realization that no matter what I do, there's always going to be someone thinking the absolute worst about me and there's nothing I can do about that. The mistake is hoping that things will get better because that hope always gets the best of me. I hope and then I start thinking it's really going to happen and then it all falls apart in less than an hour. I have to think that it's not my fault. I don't think I did anything wrong. I just get hurt over and over again. I let myself get hurt like this and I really don't know how to just stop torturing myself. Dating is torturing myself. It's this: "Be careful what you wish for" thing. Each time I wish that my loneliness will end, it just continues, and all those feelings of inadequacy return to haunt me for the rest of my life.
I guess the good thing is that I don't have to try to please someone who just refuses to be pleased. And I can try to focus on doing what will please myself. I don't have to waste countless hours saying words that have no more meaning than the words someone else is saying to me. I don't have to think that I'm not good enough because someone that insecure is not good enough for me. Sure, I can be insecure with myself, but when I trust someone I don't think of them going behind my back for any reason. If someone thinks I'm going behind their back, that means they don't trust me. I don't need to be with anyone who doesn't trust me. I'm too good for that. I know that I could make the right guy really happy. The only thing is that there are a lot of guys in this world who don't deserve the kind of girl I am.
2 comments:
" I find guys who only want me temporaily. Then they just think of reasons to hate me so that they can quickly get me out of their lives."
ummm, what happened last time? We were having some good convos (at least from my point of view) before i mentioned a girl i like and then you got all upset and told me something about your period and had to go or something like that
Since then i have e-mailed you and you no longer come online. I'm like you in the male version; i have been used and abused and it's not that most guys don't trust you because they don't like you but It's within our nature not to trust someone you just meet. It will take several months at least for full trust to be acquired.
and still that was messed up how you left last time we were talking, i was like WTF? And i didn't say anything negative, funny how you talk about how undervalued, unappreciated, unwanted you feel
Maybe you don't like the way i look which is fine, can't we be friends at least? not that i need friends but you know, i think you're someone cool to talk to, it's just that YOU SEEM SOOO uptight and get jumpy all of a sudden.
Have you ever thought that there's a reason your friends don't visit you or call you, etc? It's because they don't wanna be around a person who gets too emotional quickly
allright xmas and have a new year
-V
it and keep mentioning it on my blog. I was having a hard time. I told you and you still cannot accept it. I accepted the times you were having a hard time, but do you? No! It wasn't about that girl. I could care less. If you keep bringing it up I may as well keep bringing up how you offended ME in the PAST. Keep it up and you will see. I have zero tolerance for anyone who wants to try to make me look bad or feel bad for no real reason.
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