Disappointed

I'm frustrated. Really frustrated. Some people never do what they say they are going to do. Then I end up waiting and giving more chances and waiting again. I'm tired of giving all I've got and then being accused of doing something I'm not doing. That's unfair. Better that I find out now instead of later, after I had invested even more.... But I'm back on the market so to speak. I should be happy being single again. Because I don't have to defend myself anymore. Not that it even mattered because how can you really defend yourself to someone who won't even listen? I thought I was jealous, but I was trying very hard to keep it in check. And I didn't want to rush into anything EXACTLY for that REASON. The reason being I want to get to know someone before I get into anything. But now I decided it's better not to get into anything. I mean, if someone wants to tell me I can't talk to any other guys... Well that'll be hard since there's lots of guys out there and I can't see myself not talking to someone just because they are a guy! Like seriously! That is going way too far. I definitely don't want it to go any further. Controlling me isn't going to make me happy. I can only explain so much without getting frustrated.

Whenever I think: This is too good to be true... It always is. I should follow my gut instinct when it comes to that. I realize that nobody is perfect. I can say without a doubt that I'm not perfect. But when they say all 'the right words', I want it to be for real. Even when it's not. So no matter how scared I get, I lie to myself by telling myself that everything is finally the way it should be. Especially when that could not be any further from the truth. But NO MAN will ever control me. Nor do I even want to have control over any man. All I want to have control over is myself. The way it should be. I'm just still trying to figure out why people judge me so harshly. Why do people do that to me? Why can't they accept the way things are the way that I have begun to. I realize I have no control over things. I can't jump into a person's head and make 'things add up'. But the thing is that I find it stupidly pointless to accuse someone of something with no proof. That's like a person having to go to court and have to exonerate themselves instead of being innocent until proven guilty.

So now it's only a matter of time before I find all the strength I need to just keep going it alone. It's better than being held down and made to feel like a fool. Yeah, I was foolishly hopeful. I kept hearing things that I wanted to 'add up', but in the end they really didn't make any sense.

I'm pretty tired tonight and I have a lot of work to do in the next couple of days. I really want to get the holidays over with. I want to get the rest of this month over with. The first day of every year seems so full of optimism. Anything new seems that way, then the year goes by... And you're wondering if you got as much out of it as you could or should have. At least I feel that way.

On January 12th, I'm going to get a bit loaded. I'll probably feel a bit rough the next day, but it only comes once a year. I'll be 26 and still pretty much in the same boat as I was in like 4 years ago. Nothing has really changed. Should I feel any different? I just feel disappointed. A bit angry. A lot hollow... Pretty much void of emotions now. So don't be saying that my friends don't come see me because I get emotional too fast. They have their own lives. You can't tell me why they do or don't do anything because you don't know any of them. Hell, you barely even know enough about me to say much about how I 'get'. So if you'll just back off unless you have something constructive to say... That would be appreciated. Don't judge me and I won't judge you.