Intensity

I'm going to be tired tonight, but it's OK. I had fun with my son on his field trip to the farm. It wasn't the same farm I thought it was going to be, but it was still fun. They have an array of animals. Even emus and peacocks. There were little baby goats and I got some pictures, but you're going to have to wait to see them because I'm having trouble getting them uploaded to the computer for some reason or other.

Because I was a parent volunteer, I had a group of four kids to watch and it was a little crazy at times when one kid wanted to go see an animal and another kid wanted to go do something else. I tried to give them some slack and let them sit with their friends in other groups, I just kept an eye out for them. Having quads would be CRAZY! I could not even imagine. Parents of triplets and + are something. I don't think I could do it. Twins wouldn't be so bad, but more than two would get hectic. Goodness only knows that even one kid sometimes can be a handful. But I still love him and always will.

I'm going to need a cup of coffee before I go to work tonight. I'm pretty tired already and I didn't get much sleep today because my son was excited all morning about our trip to the farm. He kept waking me up. And of course I had to wake up periodically to check on him. He's usually pretty good when I have to take a rest. The only trouble he gets into is making a mess. He'll get his craft stuff everywhere, like paint all over the place, or something like that, but that's all.

Whenever he does something that he thinks will make me mad, he says: "Mommy, I think you will be mad if I tell you something." Then I tell him I'd be mad if he doesn't tell me. And usually it's nothing to be mad about. I just want him to come and tell me rather than trying to hide something broken or whatever. I rarely get mad at him because he's just a kid and we're all still learning. I don't think he could do anything that would make me mad, unless it's really bad. But he knows what he's not allowed to do and he stays within the rules.

I'm having some issues that I can't really talk about on here because I know that some of you might judge me and that's one reason why I can't discuss it. I guess the only way I can put it is that I'm having a surge of feelings that I don't usually have until the fall. I always feel that way during the fall. Maybe because it hasn't been all that warm out lately. I don't know. A surge of romantic feelings that I can't fight off. And there lies the dilemma. I'm not in love. So what good are romantic feelings when there is nobody to really share them with? That's why I try to fight these feelings because they could lead to something that I don't want to jump into at the moment.

As I said before, not having a relationship is one less thing to worry about. When I'm not looking, there will be someone who will come around. Eventually. I'm in no hurry. I hope the next time will be the last time that I'll have to go through all of that again. Starting all over again is not something I want to do right now and there is no picking up where things left off.

I have things in my life that I have to focus on. The more I try to keep myself busy, the better because I need to stop thinking the thoughts that lead to these surges. I need to keep my mind from wandering and keep from day dreaming about something that may never be. I have spent too much time with my head and my heart up in the clouds. Well maybe wearing my heart on my sleeve. I try to be as open and honest as possible so that other people will be open and honest with me. But sometimes I am too wide open and people get scared. I scare people away because I am intense and as soon as they realize that, they get scared. It makes people uncomfortable. I try to tone it down, but I cannot help it for it is the way I am. I don't want a friendship or a relationship to be half-assed so I try extra hard sometimes. Even extra hard in trying to establish a friendship. That's why people think I'm crazy. They don't understand that the reason I try extra hard is because it is important to me.

Anyways, I'd better get off the computer for now.