I've been wondering why some of the kids in the world today are bad. I mean not all kids are bad, but there are a few that have shocked me. It seems that they are starting from a young age. When I dropped my son off at day care this morning, another boy's father was dropping his son off. He told the care giver that the night before his son was being put to bed and he called his mother a stupid b****. If my son EVER said that to me, I guarantee it would be his first and LAST time.
Once my son told me to shut-up. He was in his stroller and I was talking to him on the way to the bus stop. I told him that it was very rude and I told him he'd better not ever say that to me again because I never want to hear him say it ever again. He's never told to shut up since that first time.
I remember when my brother called my mother the b word. She put hot chili oil on his tongue. The oil is really hot and it stays in your mouth because it's oil. Then you know what the little bugger said? He said: "Mom, you really are a b****!" Now he's 15, going on 16. He's staying with friends until he's 16 and then he might get a place with some of his buddies. He's still going to school and he's got a job. He's doing a lot better now and he even sounded happier when I was last talking to him. I have no idea when I'll be able to talk to him again. I gave him my number, but he hasn't called and I don't have his number. I don't know where he's staying either.
Tonight is that writing group and I'm excited about it. Gary said he might check it out, too. I'd like to just get out of the house for a while. And there is another thing I'd like to check out, too. I know this sounds weird, but I'd like to join a choir. I don't know if there are any in this city or what. I've thought about it for a while and I'd like to learn how to sing. I used to go to the church choir practice with my Grandmother. Our church doesn't have a choir anymore. We don't even have an organist anymore.
I was going to go to the doctor's today, but I think I'll go tomorrow instead. It's freezing today and I have a pill for today so I'll just go and get a refill tomorrow morning. I have to work tomorrow night.
I'd like to just find something I like to do and just do it. I mean the writing group might be a good start to get me motivated to write more. I haven't written any new poems in a while. I've been feeling a bit stuck. I got some poetry books from the library. I like reading poems from poets I've never heard of before. Another reason I think this group will be good for me is that I can share my stuff with the others and get some input. I also have been wanting to write a story for a while. When I'm reading a book, I can see why I haven't written in a while. I don't know what it is, but when I write, I can't be as descriptive as I'd like to be. I've only had some bare bone structures to work with. I tried to look up the kernel sentence patterns and I found them online, however, I still find it difficult to write what is on my mind. Except for here. This is the only place I seem to write as easily as I can write freely.
I hope that I can improve in my writing because it's always been important to me. It's pretty much always been the only way I could express myself. I never really had anyone I could talk to about the things I think about and the only way I could deal with everything was to write about it. I had my first diary when I was about 9 years old. Before that, I had a hard time coping. I guess it just made me feel a bit better just to get it out. Even if the only one who ever read any of it was me. I'd pretend that someone I really trusted read it as I was writing it and that this person truly understood everything. This was what made me feel better. Even if I had to pretend that there was someone who really understood me.
Maybe I still have trust issues. Sometimes I am too trusting, and other times I don't put any or enough trust in people. I guess trust has to do with faith. I want to have faith in people, in the goodness of people, but it is because I want to have this faith that I trust too easily. And when I lose that faith, that is when I cannot trust. I don't want to lose faith in the people I should trust, but I don't want to put too much faith into people I cannot trust or shouldn't trust. Maybe I get confused sometimes. It's when I get scared that I am the most confused. About life in general.
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