Thinking About Stuff

I can't stop thinking about a few things. If I talked about these things, then they'd be permanently stuck in my head. I'm not feeling good today. Might have been something I ate. All I know is that I woke up this way.

Yeah, I'll probably take my profile off hotornot.com. I tried hard to get a good picture to put on there. At first it was 6.8, then it went down to 5.4. I know it doesn't really matter, but all I wanted to see was a 6 for some strange want of validation or something to that effect. I think it is because I look young and I have short hair. I was feeling pretty good yesterday, what the heck did I eat to feel like this today? If I knew the answer to that, I'd stay away from whatever it is so that I wouldn't feel worse tomorrow.

There are a lot of things I've been putting off because I haven't felt like leaving the apartment. I know that I can't put it off much longer because the things I have to get done are pretty important. I know that these things don't do themselves. If they did, they'd already be done.

Anyway, the things I have been thinking about..... I wish I didn't have to think about. My hair is taking it's sweet time to grow back. Sometimes it feels as though it has stopped growing all together. It has taken months to grow as long as it is now. It'll take a couple of years to get it as long as it was before. Oh well, I was insane when I did it. At the time, my reasons for doing it made sense, but now... I'm like: WHAT was I thinking???

Been scared to eat anything all day today. I'm scared that whatever I eat will go right through me. It's scary to be scared to eat or to be scared to go outside.... I don't know why I'm scared to go outside. So unpredictable out there. I could get hit by a bus or something could fall out of the sky and take my head off. I'm just scared of the things that COULD happen, and none of things WOULD happen. I don't know. Seems like I'm addicted to the internet again. I don't know why. Yes, it's convienient, it's cool, it can let you do so many things, but I feel dependant on it in a strange and scary way.

Maybe it is the only way I can meet guys. Then I find myself in Long Distance Relationships that never go beyond what they are initially. If I ever get to meet the guy in person, it lasts a little bit longer than it would if I never get to meet the person, but it's weird falling in love over the internet because I never know how long it's going to last. Then I become paranoid because I know they will see how weird I am and they'll find someone else closer to them. I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm just making another mistake. I keep making the same mistakes all over again, guess I'm not learning anything.