Just knowing that I have plans tonight got me through the day. I'm excited, but I don't know what to expect. I don't know what this guy is going to be expecting from me. I am a bit confused. I think of things that will probably never happen. I get scared that these things will never happen, but there is nothing to fear except fear itself. I'm just going to go and see what there is to see and do what there is to do. I'm going to bring it out in the open and tell him that if he doesn't want to date me that he should just tell me instead of making me think that he wants me when he doesn't or might not.
Sinking into my good thoughts have helped, but then you want them to be real and when they aren't. I don't want to sink into my good thoughts the way I sink into a hot bubble bath (with candles and soft music) I don't want to keep thinking that everything I've been looking for is just around the corner because it's not. I'm on a road that is going to be long. I know that I'm going to be walking this road by myself. I don't want to be alone, but I will always be alone. It scares me to be alone, but I just have to get used to it.
The only thing that will get me through is believing that at the end of this road will be what I have always wanted and needed. It will be a welcoming feeling, a feeling that will scare me, because I'd never have felt like that before. I know that it won't happen tonight, or tomorrow, but one day... It has to happen one day. If it doesn't happen, I would have been chasing a dream all this time and I'd continue to do so for the rest of my life. Maybe it's having dreams like these that helps you sleep at night... Sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and be there, and stay there forever.
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