Politics In Knitting

I just got back from the knitting group. 
The first meeting of the year.

Lots of stuff donated this time. 
Someone who doesn't want to join the group. 
And doesn't want to be a 'home knitter.'
Just wanted to donate stuff she made.

She donated a bunch of mittens, 
and sets of hats, mittens, with a scarf.

A set with all three.
All three per set.

I sometimes get pangs of jealousy lol. 
Knowing someone is going to receive
the donation.

Some of the things I wish I could have.

They turn out so well!
I was eyeing some blue mittens.

I haven't broken out my mittens, yet.
I've made 3 or 4 pairs of mittens, ever.

The first pair, they turned out too big. 
Big enough to wear another pair
inside that pair.

Which is what I do when it gets too cold. 
They are blue, because... It's my thing. 

I actually attached them on a "string"
so that I can put the string through my sleeves. 
And I don't lose my mittens that way.

Yeah, it's what parents did for kids...
Back in the day, but it works.

I really didn't want to lose this pair. 
I really like the color of the wool I used, 
and I used a fancy stitch from a magazine.

I've been looking through the magazines I have around...
There was a time I'd buy stuff off ebay...
Stuff I didn't and don't need, 
but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, during that time, I bought many magazines.
Also, back when they sold them in the stores.

The stores I used to get them from don't sell
knitting or crochet magazines anymore.

A lot of the old patterns I have are
actually what one would call vintage.

I have an appreciation for vintage things.

Anyway, we were talking about politics and immigration
in our meeting today.

They are totally die-hard libs,
and I know this already because we
had a bit of a talk about politics, before.

That's why when they're talking about it, 
I'll listen, but I know a lot of people
who are die-hard libs would disagree with me.

And I don't need anyone looking at me any type of way
BECAUSE OF HOW I THINK
AND WHAT I BELIEVE.

First, they are anti- conservatives
because they were pretty much
in consensus that conservatives make cuts to
services like health care. 

And they were saying how Ford, 
the premiere of Toronto, 
wants to keep leaning towards
privatizing health care.

The thing is that there's a lot of money in it.

One of the ladies left the meeting early
because she had to go get a vaccine to travel. 

She's going to South Asia.
And some vaccines are mandatory.
The one she's getting is for Japanese Encephalitis.

Any idea how much that ONE vaccine costs?
1 thousand dollars. $1k!!!!
FOR A VACCINE.

It's not like you can just pack your bags and go 
there's stuff you have to do before you can go.

Besides, Japanese Encephalitis doesn't sound fun to me.

It's a myth that our health care is completely free.
In Canada, it's around $50 for an ambulance.
In the USA it's around $2k for an ambulance.

Here, we don't have to pay to see the doctor, 
and a lot is covered, like cancer treatments.

But there are some things that aren't covered.

And the wait lists for "public health care" are long.
If people have the money, they don't have to wait years.

But someone pointed out that it's the people
kind of like budging in line who have the money
who are making the other people have to wait as long. 

So of course they were saying a bunch of things
about the conservatives, 
how they aren't talking about what they plan to do
if they get into office ect.

Well, they want to have the libs investigated.

And part of the reason they are staying tight-lipped
is that they don't need the libs stealing their ideas.

Because they will do that and put their spin on it.

Just like how Pierre wants to "axe the tax"
so what did the libs do? Tax break for 2 months.

Stupid things like that.
They want to take something like a GST tax break
AND TRY TO MAKE IT SEEM 
LIKE A GREAT IDEA
WHEN IT ACTUALLY COSTS.

SO WHY WOULD THE CONSERVATIVES
BE ALL LIKE:
"THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO!"
AND LAY IT ALL OUT THERE
FOR THE THINGS THE LIBS
COULD HAVE BEEN DOING
FOR THE LAST 9 YEARS....


And all the women were saying like:
"Oh, ODSP... Don't know how anyone can live on that."

THESE LADIES PAYING MORE
FOR A VACATION THAN I LIVE ON
FOR A YEAR.

But I keep my cards close to my chest.
Especially about what I think about politics. 
Around people who are die-hard libs. 

The one thing I hear every die-hard lib say
is that they spend too much, as a government.

WHICH IS TRUE, 
BUT ON THINGS THAT HAVE
NOTHING TO DO WITH US FFS.

MAYBE LESS ON THOSE THINGS?

And I heard one say that she wouldn't mind
a party like the conservatives "used to be."
She was referring to when Stephen Harper was PM.

First, he was the right guy for the job for the budget.
AN ECONOMIST SHOULD BE IN CHARGE
OF THE ECONOMY, RIGHT?

It's that there were cuts made to factors
that needed more funding. 

Libs don't seem to make any cuts.
ON THINGS WE DON'T NEED
AND DON'T NEED TO BE SHELLING OUT FOR...

40M where's that gone?
THE CRICKET PROCESSING PLANT... 7M FFS.
WHY TF WOULD WE NEED ONE?

All kinds of funding that gets signed off on...
IT ADDS UP.

WHERE DOES IT COME FROM?
Sure, taxes. 

Pretty sure there's an exit tax for leaving Canada FFS.

TAXES, and FEDERAL RESERVE.

Federal reserve is a loan from the reserve.

Our federal debt is in the trillions, by now.
Although I don't know the exact amount, 
it's a sum that kinda boggles the mind

BECAUSE THINGS THAT COULD BE FUNDED
ARE NOT BEING FUNDED. 


There was a guy on Youtube the other day, 
made a video about the decline of O-town
and the line between people who have and don't. 

He was just driving around, filming
and talking about how the houses that are
being put up are pretty much for
NEW Canadians. 

People COMING to Canada
GET 10X more help than the average Canadian. 

That bugs me.

But he was also saying how O-Town's infrastructure isn't
cutting the mustard to accompany
the volume of people.

Like they put up hundreds of new homes
in an area that still has 1 lane traffic. 

First of all, O-Town wasn't really built to be a city.
The city is trying to "spread out" more.
But the areas it's spreading out to
DON'T HAVE WHAT THEY NEED
TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES

SO THOSE PEOPLE COME INTO THE CORE PARTS
OF THE CITY.

THAT'S WHY IT GETS MORE AND MORE CONGESTED. 
THAT'S WHY THEY NEED A NEW HOSPITAL
IN THE WEST END. 

LEAVE THE CENTRAL HOSPITALS
FOR THE CENTRAL PARTS OF THE CITY...

INSTEAD OF WHY? FLOODING THEM!!!
THEY ARE HOSPITALS, 
NOT SKATING RINKS.

Anyway, it's that if we are taking millions
of NEW CANADIANS... EACH YEAR, 
AND THEY ARE GETTING THE HOMES ECT,

AND EVEN THE NURSES AND DOCTORS
COMING FROM OTHER COUNTRIES, 
THEY MAKE IT SO HARD
TO BECOME A DOCTOR HERE
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE A DOCTOR
IN THEIR OWN COUNTRY...

And if it weren't for immigrants, 
someone was saying, 
that we wouldn't even have as many doctors, here.

Because less and less Canadians are getting trained. 
Maybe because fewer and fewer Canadians
can even keep going the way they already are.

My dream, so far, is just paying my debt back.
NOT HAVING THAT HANGING OVER MY HEAD FOREVER.

Would it be cool to own a home, one day? Yeah. 
Most people see it as unattainable. 

One lady helps people with their taxes.
She sees a lot of people working 2 jobs sometimes 3.

Working pretty much around the clock
just to be able to "afford" a comfortable life.

One of the ladies said she thinks that having
a "food bank" is demeaning. 

IF WE DIDN'T, A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD
GO WITHOUT. 

I still have to ration what I have. I hate it, 
but if I didn't, I'd be starving all the time.

So it's nice to think about being able to afford
certain luxuries ect.

Live vicariously through others' stories...

BUT I THINK... PEOPLE
PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON
LUXURY THINGS.

How much money would they save
NOT GOING ON THAT ONE TRIP?

I guess we only live once...

It's just crazy to me.
To even justify spending thousands of dollars
ON SOMETHING 'NICE TO HAVE.'

It will be crazy to me to even have that kind of money
where I don't have to think twice about having whatever.

Probably won't change a whole lot, 
because I don't want a whole lot, 

and not the best at saving, but not the worst at it.

I'm not a shopaholic and can say no to buying stuff. 
Looking around, that's fine.

BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BUY IT.
I CAN JUST LOOK AT IT.

Anyway, back to the politics, 
I just let them talk about it and listen.

To their views. 
Like they seem to agree with certain things
that the conservatives do...

They don't go overboard with the budget.
They are more fiscally responsible. 

WHICH IS WHAT WE NEED
JUST IN TRYING TO GET US ON TRACK.

OUR ECONOMY IS F*CKED.

It's the top 5% of the population
who go on these fancy trips, 
own their homes, who can afford food etc...

THEY ARE LIVING IN A BUBBLE.

OF COURSE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW
ANYONE LIVING ON LESS THAN $1K/MONTH
ACTUALLY LIVES...

It's like this:
After paying all your bills and rent, 
you have around $250/month
for food and whatever else.

So you have to budget for food, 
and I ration tf out of my food. 
I'd love to just eat whatever, whenever.

Just go into my "mansion kitchen"
and just have everything "on hand"
to cook or bake whatever, whenever...

Y'know? Just like some get to do.
AND THOSE WHO GET TO DO THAT
TAKE GETTING TO DO THAT
FOR GRANTED.

EVEN HAVING YOUR OWN WASHER AND DRYER,
AND DISHWASHER...

But those aren't cheap anymore either.
And they are mostly computerized ones.

I guess every new modern machine
is computerized in some way nowadays.

But I'm just saying is that when someone
LIVES IN COMFORT
THEY GET USED TO THAT COMFORT
AND THEY DON'T THINK
ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE
WITHOUT IT.

And it seems like they would almost go to
any lengths not to have to.

I remember a case where a really rich guy
was losing his fortune ect.
He did a murd*r su*cide on his family. 

As though he'd rather them die
than to 'experience' 'poverty'?

Or blame him for losing their luxury?
Like life was just somehow not worth living?
If it meant they'd be "poor"?

WITHOUT THE STUFF AND THINGS!
OH NO! NOT WITHOUT THE STUFF AND THINGS!
*SARCASM*
HOW CAN WE LIVE WITHOUT THEM?!

HOW CAN I LIVE WITHOUT MY STARBUX 8 TIMES A DAY?!

There was a dude who told me, he went there
at least 4 times, daily. 

First, that stuff costs more than a coffee at Tim's. 
I've tried some of it, doesn't do it for me.
It adds up.

Even a $2/every day for 30 days.
That's $60 just on coffee.
In a month. 

Not hard to see where your money goes
if you're keeping track of it.

Sometimes "that coffee" is nice.
But all the "things" that are "nice."
ADD UP.

How much could people save if they just...
Got some tea or whatever to have at home?

If they skip on the whim and put the money
that would have gone on a whim, away.

That's kind of something I've been seeing.

I'm saving up "pop tabs" for art type idea stuff. 

So, each time I had a "pop" I saved the tab in a cup.
For over a year now.

Just to see how many I've drank in that time span....
It's not really something someone thinks about. 

Like people who smoke, they don't think how much they
could save if they quit smoking. 

Cigarettes are over $18/pack now.
HOW CAN ANYONE AFFORD
TO SMOKE A F*CKING PACK A DAY?!

Imagine, like $20/day for 30 days...
That's $600/month. 
ON F*CKING CIGARETTES!!!!!!

SOME PEOPLE CAN'T AFFORD
$600/MONTH ON FOOD FFS.

What irks me about drug addicts
IS SPENDING AS MUCH MONEY
ON DRUGS AS THEY DO
WHEN THEY COULD BE
PUTTING THAT AWAY
OR TOWARDS SOMETHING ELSE.

And I want to be like that towards it, 
but knowing I spent money on alcohol
WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T NEED IT,
I CAN'T SAY I NEVER WASTED MY OWN MONEY.

Sometimes I actually feel guilty getting something
that I wanted just because.

I'm not one of those girls who puts emphasis
on designer whatever...

I was in college and a girl in my class
was talking about how she spent $800 on a purse.
ON A PURSE FFS.

That was back in 2004ish...
That was like my rent, at the time.

Let's just say that I'm not that kind of girl. 

My birthday gift to myself is a bag I designed and made. 

I like having something not everyone can or will have.
Because you can't just go to a store
and buy one of mine. 

MINE ARE HANDMADE.
One of a kind. 

But I couldn't justify spending $800 on a purse!!!
Or some "brand label" whatever.

Sometimes, in my dreams, I'm an artist, 
making money off my art...

But could I justify selling something I made
at an artist price point?

$800 has always been quite a bit of money, to me.
But to live on for a month, it's challenging. 

Ever see that show called "Secret Millionaire"?
The millionaire CEO of the company
spends the duration of the show
undercover as just another worker
at the company
and they get to see what it's like
from the workers' perspectives ect.

And near the end of the show, they give money away.

And that's the part that gets me teared up.
BECAUSE I'M F*CKING HAPPY FOR THEM.
AND ALSO I KNOW HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO THEM. 

BECAUSE THAT'S HOW MUCH IT SHOULD MEAN, 
AND MORE, Y'KNOW?

Anyway, I watched that show with my mother
and it's not like I can explain those feelings to her
because it's as though she doesn't get those feelings.

OR I WOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN IT.
OR HOW I FELT, EVER.
SHE WOULD KNOW.

She was just kind of having those
jealous pangs because
"nobody's giving ME money."

WHEN THE SHOW ISN'T ABOUT THAT.
IT'S ABOUT RECOGNITION
FOR DEDICATION.

Partly, but it's also for the millionaire
to see HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES.


I've been in the other half...
There were times that I was doing better, financially.

And someone put it to me this way,
"just because you've struggled most of your life,
DOESN'T MEAN YOU MUST STRUGGLE
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."


I was told:
"If it had been different THEN, it'd be different NOW."

That applies in many ways:
Different doesn't always mean better.
But it doesn't always mean worse.

When I was in group homes and foster homes,
I didn't know if the next place
would be better or worse than the last place.

When I was trying to date,
I didn't know if the next relationship
would be better or worse than the last one.

ALL I KNEW IS IT WOULD BE DIFFERENT
THAN THE LAST PLACE, 
DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST ONE.

That's all I knew going into anything. 

Someone was saying that about this year...
We're coming into it not knowing
if it'll be better or worse than last year.

But, the only things that will be any different
ARE WHAT WE CHOOSE TO MAKE DIFFERENT.

We can all say the economy is sh*t, everyone's
becoming poor because of XYZ....

It's 1) Most people are taught that the only way
they can make money or be ahead is to have a typical career.

And how many people spent all kinds of money
and years and years into getting degrees, 

IF THEY KNEW OTHER WAYS OF MAKING MONEY, 
THEY PROBABLY WOULD. 

BUT THEY 'HAVE TO' JUST TAKE WHATEVER JOB
THEY CAN GET...

BECAUSE WE ARE TAUGHT THAT'S A GUARANTEED WAY.
OF EARNING MONEY.

It's a generational thing, too. 

Because at least two dudes I went to school with, 
their dads are cops. 

Anyway, IT'S HARD TO LOOK AT IT
IN ANY OTHER KIND OF WAY
THAN THE WAY YOU WERE TAUGHT TO LOOK AT IT.

I KNOW THIS, BECAUSE IT'S HARD FOR ME
STILL TRYING TO LOOK AT ASPECTS
OF MY OWN LIFE DIFFERENTLY.

FROM HOW I WAS TAUGHT TO LOOK AT THINGS.
FROM HOW PEOPLE AROUND ME'S BEEN LOOKING
AT THINGS AND WANTS ME TO
LOOK AT THINGS...

I know they want me to look at things the way they do. 
Because they want me to agree with them. 

THAT IS WHY I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT
ABOUT POLITICS.

Around people who are die-hard libs. 
Because when it comes to BELIEFS
THEY WANT ME TO BELIEVE 
WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

BECAUSE IF THEY WEREN'T 
OF THE BELIEF, 
THEY WOULD BE OF ANOTHER.

AND PEOPLE LIKE TO TRY TO
VALIDATE THEIR BELIEFS
TO OTHERS AND THEMSELVES, 
BY TRYING TO GET 'EVERYONE'
TO SEE THINGS ACCORDING TO WHAT THEY BELIEVE.

I get why they do that. To affirm their belief...

But guess what? Isn't the belief in the belief
enough to affirm it regardless
of whatever whoever believes?

If they agree or not?

Take a classic "cult" as an example.
They believe whatever the cult leader
"puts it in their heads to believe."

But the belief in the belief itself
IS ENOUGH TO SUSTAIN IT.

That kind of goes for politics, in a way.
Because some people think Ford is evil.
And certain corruption ect...

The beliefs, any, are enough to sustain themselves
WITHOUT HAVING TO TRY TO
JUSTIFY IT TO THEMSELVES
OR TO ANYONE ELSE.

Because if you are trying to convince someone, 
WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE, 
THEM OR YOU?

I gave up on trying to lead horses to water.
THEY KEPT SHOWING ME
THEY DIDN'T WANT THE WATER.
I WAS OFFERING
UNTIL I STOP OFFERING IT.

A THIRSTY HORSE WILL DRINK.


Cults always make me think of the Jonestown Massacre. 
AND SOME GURUS TRYING TO SAY
THEY WANTED TO HELP ME
"BE LIKE THEM"
WHEN I NEVER WANTED TO "BE LIKE THEM."

Because maybe they assumed that I haven't
actually progressed as far as I have.

AND HOW WOULD THEY EVEN KNOW
WHAT I ALREADY KNOW AND WHAT I DON'T?
DO I TALK ABOUT THE THINGS I KNOW?
DO I TALK ABOUT MY BELIEFS?
DO I EVEN OPEN UP ANYMORE?

SO HOW WOULD ANYONE KNOW?
ENOUGH TO JUST AUTOMATICALLY
PLACE THEMSELVES ABOVE ME
INTELLECTUALLY?

I'm not saying that I do that, think I'm smarter etc.
I'm saying that a lot of the time
most people tend to treat me like that.

I don't mind learning things. 
I'm aware of the fact that there are many things
I'm not yet aware of. 

Becoming aware of social politics is f*cked up.
That some people think the way they do. 

Being aware of how things get deep and f*cked up...
DUE TO BETRAYALS ETC,
PEOPLE BEING TOO IMMATURE
NOT TO JUST... NOT.

There's a book called The Anatomy Of Motive.
It was written by a guy who worked for the FBI.

It's a psychological look into motive.

But the way people think! To think like that!

And people who don't think like that
have to be aware that some people DO think like that.

Did it take me a while to change my thinking?
Yeah, the longer I was focused on stuff
THAT I'VE BEEN P*SSED OFF ABOUT
THE LESS TIME I HAD TO PUT ON OTHER THINGS.

BEING AND STAYING P*SSED OFF DOES WHAT?

And what was it that was actually p*ssing me off?
A BELIEF I HAVE ABOUT THE THING
THAT WAS P*SSING ME OFF. 

THE LONGER I HELD ONTO THE BELIEF
THE LONGER I WAS STAYING P*SSED OFF.

A few things to know about beliefs...

1) You don't have to believe what everyone wants you to
2) Beliefs are okay to have, but you don't have to live and die by them. 

AND OTHERS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO LIVE AND DIE
BY BELIEFS.

What is the point in persecution where there isn't any?
Where there's a point, there's a point, 
but where there's none, there's none.

And sometimes when you fail to see a point in something,
it could be one of a couple of things.

It could be that there isn't a point.
Or it could just be a "you thing"

by that I mean something about YOUR perspective.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME, 
FACTS ARE FACTS AND CAN GO BOTH WAYS WITH THAT.

EITHER DENY THEM, OR ACCEPT.

A perfect way of putting it was seeing those two
people in the parking lot. 

She was saying: "I said sorry! That's enough!"
She wanted him to just accept her "sorry"
and stop talking about it.

He was saying: "I wasn't asking for an apology, 
I'm asking you to UNDERSTAND."

It bugs me being DISMISSED
WHEN I HAVE A POINT TO MAKE
AND THEY KNOW I HAVE A POINT
THEY'D RATHER DISMISS ME
THAN ADMIT I HAVE A POINT.

That p*sses me off so much.

But HOW I AM TO EXPECT ADULTS
CAN ACTUALLY LOOK AT THINGS
FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S VIEW POINTS?

AND UNDERSTAND WHY
SOMEONE MIGHT BE UPSET
ABOUT XYZ.

In a perfect world, we could have a CONVERSATION
ABOUT IT, EVEN AFTER "SORRY."

BECAUSE WHAT'S HAVING A CONVERSATION
ABOUT IT?
ANY SWEAT OFF OUR BACKS?
TO TALK ABOUT IT?
TO SHOW WE ARE ACTUALLY
UNDERSTANDING.

Sure, as "understanding" as I am, 
doesn't mean I give a billion more f*cks 
than I should be giving, this year
and any other year henceforth. 

BECAUSE THERE IS BEING 'UNDERSTANDING'
AND THERE'S 'I'M NOT COOL WITH YOUR BS.'

AND TO THE TUNE OF 'TAKE YOUR BS TF AWAY FROM ME."

One thing many people are mistaken about me...
I CAN STILL CARE ABOUT YOU, 
WISH YOU ALL THE BEST ETC,
BUT I DON'T HAVE TO BE IN YOUR LIFE.

IF YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE, 
SHOW ME.

OTHERWISE, I AM OKAY.

NO GAMES. NOTHING.
WALK AWAY? KEEP GOING.
BECAUSE IF YOU TURN AROUND
AND COME LOOKING FOR ME
BECAUSE WHATEVER YOU RAN TO
WAS WORSE LOL
I WON'T BE THE SAME GIRL
WHO GAVE YOU THE FIRST CHANCE.

That's what kind of happened with a guy I used to talk with. 
We used to have some real, deep conversations. 
FELT SAFE TO OPEN UP, TO HIM. 
TO TELL HIM VERY PERSONAL THINGS.

AND HE WALKED AWAY FROM ME, TWICE.

THE FIRST TIME HE CAME BACK AROUND, 
HE ADMITTED HE MISSED OUR TALKS.

WOULDN'T SAY HE MISSED ME, OUR TALKS.

AND I REALIZED THAT I WAS THE ONE
WHO MISSED HIM. 

NOT JUST OUR TALKS. 

AND HE JUST EASILY WALKED AWAY
TWICE.

THEN WHAT WAS IT ABOUT OUR TALKS??!!

BECAUSE, TO ME, THE TALKS WERE NICE.
SINCE THAT'S ALL WE PROBABLY
EVER COULD HAVE HAD...

BUT IT WASN'T JUST THAT, TO ME.

REAL FEELINGS THERE.
REAL PERSON, HE DROPPED, TWICE.

AND AFTER THE FIRST F*CKING TIME...
I F*CKINNG GRIEVED HIM. 
THE LOSS OF HIM FROM MY LIFE.

WISHING THAT HE'D JUST F*CKING TALK TO ME.
WAS ALL WE WERE GOING TO HAVE, ANYWAY, 
BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS SOMEONE

HE COULD SEE HAVING ANYTHING WITH
OR MAYBE HE WOULDN'T HAVE BOUNCED?
TWICE?

And even though he did, again, if he did reach out, 
I would talk with him. 

WOULDN'T MAKE UP FOR THE TIME LOST,

But at the same time, I can't blame anyone for their assumptions.
LIKE ASSUMING I'D JUST BE A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.

OR WHATEVER THEY THINK OF ME.

But to me, I woke up HAPPY to the thought.
Going from that to just a ghost in someone's "life."

Gotta admit that hurt. Hurt enough the first time...
BUT THE SECOND TIME?

WHEN I THOUGHT THAT WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
BECAUSE HE MISSED OUR TALKS, RIGHT?

AS MUCH AS I DID?
JUST TO GRIEVE HIM AGAIN.

LIKE IT WASN'T HARD ENOUGH
THE FIRST TIME.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THAT HAS HAPPENED?
THEY MISS SOMETHING, NOT ME, 
SOMETHING. 

WHATEVER IT WAS. 

THEY TRY LOOKING FOR IT IN OTHERS.
CAN'T. FIND. IT.

And what should I even say if he did contact me?
Randomly, for my birthday, 

"Thanks for ditching me, ironheart."

But if he comes back IN, it would be the last time
BECAUSE GRIEVING PEOPLE
WHO ARE STILL ALIVE...

WHAT IF I F*CKING DID THAT TO HIM?
WHAT IF I DID ALL THE SH*T
PEOPLE DID TO ME, TO THEM?

Would they "understand"?
That quite possibly the guy stopped talking to me
because he let his pride get in the way?
Just a little?
Just a tad?

But thanks for the memories, ironheart.

If he even reads this, he probably knows it's about him. 

Only mentioned it because
1) It meant more, to me
2) they miss something, not me
3) my birthday's coming up (hint)

I'M NOT P*SSED AT HIM FOR DOING IT, AGAIN.
I'VE BEEN SAD BECAUSE I ACTUALLY MISS HIM.

SURE, THE TALKS...
BUT THE TALKS WERE WITH HIM.

MAYBE SLIGHTLY MIFFED
BECAUSE HOW ELSE WAS I GOING TO FEEL ABOUT THAT?
AGAIN?


but maybe, I'll just be happy about the memories?
The times I felt it was more than that, maybe.

But I was fooling myself to think that, eh?
It really makes me question myself, y'know?

It makes me question myself because it seems like
every little thing that means anything to me just...
Why? Because I wanted it to?

That's what I ask myself, now.

BECAUSE IT'S SO EASY TO JUST... TO ME.
WHY? TO ME?

I CAN SAY ONE THING, 
I WOULDN'T HAVE DONE TO HIM, WHAT HE DID TWICE.

And it wasn't because I KNEW THAT I WOULD MISS THOSE TALKS.
IT WAS BECAUSE I WAS HAVING THOSE TALKS
WITH HIM.

I used to go back and read our old conversations.
Part of me wants to do that.

The other part of me is still trying to grieve, again. 

I have to keep trying to tell myself that it was what it was
for as long as it was
and while it was, it was nice.

Just like I can miss someone, still care about them, 
still wish good things for them, 
but I don't need to be in anyone's life.

It was his choice to ditch me, again.
Didn't have a choice but to let him, right?
Regardless how it felt at the time, 
and still feels... Sometimes...

But... What I get to do, though, 
is just hope he's healthy and happy in his life.
And just wish good things for him.

My point was that if he were to want to come back, again, 
he would have to make that known. 

And I'd hope it'd be because he missed more
than our talks...

LIKE I HAD BEEN THE WHOLE TIME
HE JUST WOULDN'T TALK TO ME.

But what else were we supposed to have, right?

Not everyone you wish would have stayed, does.
NOT EVEN IF THEY MEAN SOMETHING TO YOU.
SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST A TALK.

That's as far as that goes. I'll leave that there.
It was about those 3 points.


Not throwing myself "I'm so sad xyz party"
Had to accept it the first time, right?
Had to accept a lot....

Gets easier to do, I guess.

What would be ridiculous though, 
is to think I WOULD DO IT TO HIM
TO SPITE HIM FOR DOING IT TO ME.

That would be ridiculous.

Many times I entertained the thought of
having another "talk" with him...

Thinking back to how it was...

Then thinking back to things I was having issues with. 
THAT ARE CLEARLY NOT HIS.
NEVER THOUGHT OR SAID THEY WERE.
WAS ALWAYS AWARE THEY'RE MINE.

Would be ridiculous to think I ever thought that.
Would be ridiculous to think I ever thought
a lot of things...

Both good and bad...

I think a lot of things I never say
or even know how to say...

But a lot of things I don't think
because I'm aware of things it'd be cool of
if they were aware of, too. 

But being aware of some stuff
OTHER PEOPLE HAVEN'T REALIZED YET,

IT KIND OF HAS THIS FEELING, 
LIKE YOU'RE JUST ADRIFT.

And let's put it this way...
I'd rather be ALONE THAN WITH
SOMEONE WHO'D DITCH ME.

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WISH
SOMEONE WOULD HAVE TREATED YOU RIGHT,
THEY COULD HAVE, THE FIRST TIME.

THEY WOULD TREAT THE FIRST CHANCE
LIKE IT'S THE ONLY AND LAST.

AND WITH SOME PEOPLE, THEY DO.

BUT WHEN THEY CHOOSE TO LEAVE, THEY CAN.
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I GO THROUGH THAT, AGAIN?

FOR THEM TO MISS SOMETHING?
SOMETHING GOOD ABOUT ME?
BUT NOT MISS ME?

"I miss your feet" ffs.
That dude's engaged now supposedly. 
Happy for him. 

It's not about being engaged. 
It's about I wouldn't want a man
who only missed my feet.
Or our talks....

PROBABLY NOT AS MUCH AS I DO.
IT SEEMS.

It was like transactional or something.
A pair of feet, a conversation...

It wasn't about me.

Like I was trying to tell mirror smasher
about his interjecting insecure "baby mamma"
IF IT WAS ABOUT HIM
SHE WOULDN'T HAVE CHEATED ON HIM.

BECAUSE THE PERSON WHO ACTUALLY WANTED
TO BE WITH YOU
THE WHOLE DAMN TIME

WOULD HAVE WHAT? BEEN FAITHFUL?
BECAUSE WHY? IT WAS ABOUT YOU.
THAT IS WHAT I JUST WANTED
HIM TO UNDERSTAND,

BUT YOU CAN'T FORCE ANYONE
TO UNDERSTAND ANYTHING.

But we seem to live in the day and age
where we're supposed to accept "sorry" and never talk about it?
Because talking about it feels like an "attack."
And it'd only feel that way if it's not understood
WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT.
WHAT? UNDERSTANDING.

which can't happen when certain things...

It's just that TO realize some things, 
we have to realize OTHER things first.

And until we do, it's like that secondary or whatever
realization is out of reach to be realized. 

Kind of like a puzzle, with some pieces only connecting
to some pieces.
And you have to find that one piece that it connects to.
Because if you don't find that piece it connects to, 
it can't connect.

That's how I realized that realizations go.
Realizations support each other. 

That's why it never pays to think you know everything. 
Because we're all one realization away from another and another.

7 degrees of separation. 

And what's a realization? A thought you never thought before.
Kind of hard to realize things while busy ruminating, 
says the one who kept ruminating 
to her own detriment, 
BUT DID I LEARN FROM THAT?
I'D LIKE TO THINK I DID.

AND IF IRONHEART HAS A HEART, 
MAYBE WE BOTH COULD LEARN A THING OR TWO
ABOUT FORGIVENESS.

I FORGAVE HIM THE FIRST TIME,
WHY WOULDN'T I THE SECOND TIME?

BUT THE THIRD TIME... THAT'S PUSHING IT.

And I didn't do that to him, even once.
But, yes, my head wasn't in the right place. 

At the same time, it'd be nice
to be thought of for more than xyz.