THEIR WAY

Anyway, been looking at some other stuff 
to start to try to feel better.
The more I look at this stuff, the worse I feel...
I can't pretend that this isn't part of my life, 
but I can't pretend that it's the only part of my life...

Yes, it's a part of my life that I wish that I could change
and a part of my life that I feel like I can't. 
Because there are things that are beyond my control....

For an example.... I can't control how they run things 
at the hospital.... 
Or how counsellors operate...
Or how anyone operates. 
They have to figure out how to control themselves.
Just as I have to figure out how to control myself. 
The only control I have over anyone
is to not give them what they want....

Because I don't have to give them what they want.
They are not giving me what I want. 
And what I wanted was pretty simple.
I never really required a lot, 
but it seems that I wanted more than 
what they are capable of....

And I wanted more from myself, 
more than what I was capable of.....

And I have to have more control
over my own development.....

So being pushed away is just people
uncomplicating my life
even though the fact that I still have love
to give to them that I can't
complicates things, emotionally.

"Grief is love with nowhere to go."

A lot of the anger stuff was about expectation
like knowing that others expected better from me
and I expected better from myself
but I STILL am not at the level of comprehension. 
And others don't comprehend what I wanted from them.....

For them to understand what I wanted and needed. 
To the point where I didn't have to try to explain it to them.... 
To have to try to explain anything to them....

For them to just SEE...... 
WHAT I MEAN, WHY I'M UPSET....
WHAT IT'S LIKE FOR ME....
WHY I GET SO F*CKING FRUSTRATED.
TO THE POINT THAT I GET ANGRY.
BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT LISTENING.....
ONLY TRYING TO CONTROL ME....

WHEN I AM NOT TO HAVE ANY CONTROL
OVER THEM.
NOT EVEN TO MAKE THEM SEE.
LIKE THE MORE I TRY TO MAKE THEM SEE....
THE LESS THEY ARE WILLING TO SEE....

It's hard to explain.... In the first place....
When it seems like things are backwards....
And even trying to have a conversation
about things, seems impossible.

Like trying to get through to my mother, 
to my brothers, to my son....
To ANYONE......

When I was talking to C*****, 
it was different. Because he had his ways
of making points...

And sometimes, things he was trying to get through to me....
I didn't have the capacity to fully grasp
and I know that was frustrating for him....

And I wish I could MAKE POINTS
TO PEOPLE WHO REALIZED
THAT I HAVE A POINT TO MAKE....

BUT IT'S LIKE MOST PEOPLE
LOOK AT ME LIKE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS....
AND THAT THEY KNOW BETTER THAN ME.....

AND THEREFORE NOTHING I SAY EVER MATTERS....
WOULDN'T YOU GET FRUSTRATED?!
WHEN PEOPLE REFUSE TO LISTEN TO YOU?

WHEN THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF UNDERSTANDING?
LIKE I MAY AS WELL BE SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE....

And that is what it is like for C*****.
But he had his ways of making points
in ways that I could get the points.

He could have given up a long time ago.
He could have done so much more with his time
than trying to make points to me.
And he was doing it for my sake.
Not for his own. 
Because he was only trying to open my eyes
to things he already sees...

So that I could be better off for finally seeing it.

There are OTHER ways to do things....
Just like there are OTHER ways of seeing things
and looking at things....

Maybe even another way of looking at things
TO be ABLE to see them differently....

And to actually realize some things....

Like we can sometimes show people
how they can look at things differently
by making the points we make....

It's that my VERBAL communication
isn't the best and all I know
is to TRY to get through to people
in the ways that don't f*cking work
so that just leads to more frustration....

Like they can't see that I don't actually 
want to be treated like I'm stupid....
When I know what I am talking about.
THEY don't. Because they are not listening. 
So how would they know....

Are they capable of understanding
another person's point of view?

If not, they aren't capable....
And it seems that most people in my life
are not capable of seeing things from MY point of view....

Frustrating.... Yeah. It f*cking is....
Feels like they'll never f*cking understand me.
Or GET me or Get it.....
No matter how hard I try to explain something to them....

But I can't MAKE them understand. 
They either DO or they DON'T.

They might come to see things down the road....
They might not.....
But I can only make POINTS
and hope they GET the point I'm trying to make. 

And not being able to make points
to certain people means
that they are not likely to get the points....

So that is when and where I want to give up
because they are not getting me or getting it. 

If C***** had given up on me a long time ago....
Like "This is how she really thinks?!"
"F*ck this stupid chick...."

I wouldn't have been able to get the points
that he just never even tried to make to me.....

He asked questions in a way
that let me think about it
and answer it myself....
With my own thoughts about it, 
but I had to really think about it. 
And most people.....
DON'T even want to spend time
THINKING about things, reflecting....
Collecting other points of view. 
Even the POINT of view has a POINT.

But there are times that I don't even try
to make a point to people
who won't get it......
They just won't get it on their own....
They have to be TOLD some things
and for a long time, and maybe even STILL....
THEY DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD ANYTHING.
ESPECIALLY BY SOMEONE LIKE ME....

BUT THERE ARE POINTS I MISSED.....
AND I AM STILL LEARNING, TOO.
TO SEE THINGS I WASN'T SEEING
AND DIDN'T WANT TO SEE....

AND COULDN'T SEE.....
EITHER BECAUSE I REFUSED TO LOOK,
OR REFUSED TO OPEN MY EYES....
OR REFUSED TO OPEN MY MIND.....

OR REFUSED TO ADMIT 
THAT I DON'T F*CKING KNOW EVERYTHING.

When I get frustrated, I feel the anger coming on....
And I feel that the anger is going to produce
some angry reaction.
Like a reaction to the anger....
Yet, I still get angry anyway....

Because others 'shouldn't be' so f*cking stupid....
They should want to educate themselves....
And take the points from others' points of view....
But they are so stuck in their own 'ways'
that they are not looking for another way....

They 'shouldn't' be talking to me like I know nothing.
Maybe I do make some sense. If they'd listen.
Maybe that's all I actually wanted. To be HEARD.
Like if they'd just f*cking HEAR ME....
MAYBE THEY'D UNDERSTAND
WHAT THE F*CK I'M SAYING
INSTEAD OF THINKING THAT 
WHAT I HAVE TO SAY
DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
THAT THEY KNOW BETTER, ALWAYS....

JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DEGREE.

PEOPLE CAN HAVE AN 'EDUCATION'
AND STILL BE F*CKING IGNORANT.

And I'd be ignorant to say that I'm not ignorant, at times.
To not (refuse to) acknowledge my own ignorance....

It's ignorant to ASSUME you know everything.
Because there's a big, fat, f*cking chance
that we don't know everything.

Do we know what it's like?
Do we know how someone else FEELS?
If we don't care enough to know....
Then how will we know?!

So then, do we know everything? No.

But that doesn't stop people
from acting like they know everything.....

If I knew better, I could have done better.
But I f*cked up because I don't know better.

And yes, it is my own fault. 
Because I didn't ask someone who does know better
what they think about something.

And my fault for asking people
who don't know better
what they think....

So... It is my fault for not knowing better
and this is why I've been angry at myself.
For not knowing better....
For not doing better....

And for things I ruined
because I didn't know and do better....

Things that I can't fix. 
And a lot of it is thinking I can't fix it
because I don't have the control over some things
that I wish I had control over....

All I could have had is some influence....
That is all. Not outright control. 
People do not want to be restricted and controlled. 

But what I respect about C***** 
is that he never put me in a box.
He just told me how he sees things
and made the points he was able to make to me.
Without trying to force the point on me.
Or trying to force me to get the point....
He just made the point
and allowed me to get the point on my own.
But he made it in a way that I could get it.

And when he made a point that I was able to get,
I told him that he made a point.
That I got what he was saying....

If the people around me could see the points
that I've been trying to make....
For a long time....
Maybe they'd know
that there might be a bit of validity in what I'm saying.
Or what I've been saying....

BUT I DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING
OR ANYTHING.....
(According to some people).
I apparently have NO points to make....

If it's not going to be like:
"Point taken." 
They aren't getting it.

But it's my job to learn enough
to be able to make a point
Whether they get it or not, 
and to accept that they don't get it
because getting frustrated
is only getting me angry.
And getting angry does f*ck all.

Like "GTFOH with your rage."

Getting frustrated lost me things,
even opportunities I could have had....

Because all it did was get me
to my breaking point, 
to the point where I took more than enough.

Because people KNEW I was getting frustrated.
And they just expected me to just 
cooperate with THEM
when they were not cooperating with me. 
There was no compromise.

It was just ordering me to do what they wanted me to do
AND TO HELL WITH WHAT I WANTED THEM TO DO!!!!

Like: "Let go of my wrists!"
"Stop calling me names!"
"Look at how it looks to me!"
"Communicate with me!"
"Back off!"
"F*ck right off!"

But it never mattered what I WANTED.....
ONLY WHAT THEY WANTED!!!!

AND HOW IS THAT NOT FRUSTRATING!!!

BUT I CAN'T EVEN MAKE THEM
TAKE WHAT I WANT INTO CONSIDERATION
LET ALONE WHAT I DON'T WANT.....

BUT THEY JUST SEEM TO THINK
THEY HAVE THE RIGHT 
TO JUST DO WHATEVER THE F*CK THEY WANT TO
AND IT DOESN'T SEEM TO MATTER WHAT I WANT?!

AND I AM SUPPOSED TO LET THEM HAVE WHAT THEY WANT?!

TO GIVE ME SEDATIVES
JUST BECAUSE I GOT UPSET
WHEN I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE UPSET?!

TO RUN ME INTO THE GROUND
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO?!

TO TEAR ME UP
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANT TO?!

AND HOW IS THAT NOT FRUSTRATING!!!

But when I don't want to talk to them
and they demand that I do....
And I can't get through to them....

And they get frustrated with ME,
because I don't want to let them have THEIR way....

Because I'm trying to teach them
that they can't just have whatever THEY want all the time....
Just because they think they can control me
or dominate me.... Or medicate me....

THEY STILL DON'T GET IT!!!!