Respectfully

I'm sitting here watching the Halifax Comedy fest on t.v. It's hilarious. There's nothing like a good joke, or laughing, or just having fun. I'm trying to do a lot more of that and it makes me feel better.

One comedian was doing his bit on soccer and it was really funny. He compared Paris Hilton's vagina to a soccer net. He said there was no way balls couldn't go in there. I didn't catch his name, but he was f*cking funny.

I saw footage of Paris Hilton hanging out with Avril. And if those two hang out then it makes me wonder if she's into the same sh*t as Paris. There is a reason that her and Nicole split ways. And Nicole has since changed her image, and had a baby. But Paris went to jail, and has that taught her anything? Probably not. Because she probably wasn't treated like other inmates, regular inmates.

Right now, everyone is at the BBQ and I'm sitting at home. Oh well. The thing that I realized is that even if I went, the only person I'd know there would be the guy who invited me and it would only have to take a hot blond chick to walk in and he would totally ignore me. It seems like he gets distracted because he didn't call me to see if I was still going or if I needed a ride or what. When he had invited me, I wrote him an email explaining that I needed a ride out there. He asked for my number saying he WOULD call me and put my name on a car pooling list. Obviously my name didn't make a list of any sort, not even his list of people to call.

So therefore, I'm not going to bother until he shows some genuine interest in me. It's so easy for people to claim to be your friends and when push comes to shove, they forget about you. That's what real friends do? No, real friends don't leave friends sitting at home after inviting them to a damn BBQ. I was looking forward to going. I had told him so. I told him that I wanted to see him again. But who wants to see me again? He doesn't realize that my hair has grown back and I've lost weight. I haven't told him because I wanted to surprise him. But instead I got the surprise. But really it shouldn't be a surprise because I shouldn't have got excited about something that I probably couldn't go to anyway. Maybe the idea of getting out, enjoying myself, meeting new people excited me more than seeing him again. Because I knew I wasn't the only one he invited. And he probably only called those who mattered to him. Made sure that THEY got rides.

After all, he doesn't really know me. Because people are always too busy to get to know me. Too busy to even remember about me. That's why they don't think of me. I fall way too far under the radar. That's because I'm quiet. I listen. When I need someone to listen, I just write. It helps because I find that nobody really listens to me. If they did, maybe they would understand some of the things I was talking about. Instead they get it all wrong, they get me all wrong. It frustrates me that I can't really relate to others and others can't really relate to me. For the most part, I want to be alone. Because I'm used to being alone. Then other times I HATE being alone and NEED to be with SOMEBODY. It's a split personality thing. When I NEED companionship, others push me away, but when they want my companionship, I tend to push them away. I think that it is easier being alone because I don't have to worry about living up to expectations, but it is hardest emotionally.

In a relationship, I can be very affectionate, passionate, intimate...
But in a relationship, I want my partner to be the same. In the right ways.

But I'm not sure how we got from friendship to companionship to relationships. I could do with the first two but the third is absurd. I don't even want to have a boyfriend right now. Guys have never 'gotten' me. Ever. It is simple this way, better off. And if I look away from things I wish I never saw, like couples making out in public places, or the 'look of love', then I can pretend I never saw anything of the sort. I can pretend that it's not happening. I can just start thinking of something else. It's better for me to think of other things because I have a lot of thinking to do. I have to make some goals and plan the steps I have to take to get to where I'd like to be in my life. I want a good job, but to have that job, I need a few things first. I need my driver's license. I need to quit smoking so much. That starts by cutting back gradually. And I still have so nicorette I put somewhere away from a little boy who is curious.

The other day we made a bird house out of sticks and string. We hung it on the balcony with his little bird feeder he made out of a coconut shell. I have yet to see any birds around it. If I was a bird, I'd think to myself: "That's one comfy looking nest. Maybe they think it belongs to another bird and won't go near it.

Maybe I'll just go to bed early tonight, or start reading another one of my books. I was supposed to go to the library today because the books were due today. I rarely, if ever, return the books on time. I end up renting books instead of borrowing them. it's pretty sad. Today, I was just too tired to go to the library. I don't have one in my neighborhood. There's one near the Carlingwood Mall, and there's one in Centrepointe. But not in Bayshore. I think there might be a book mobile that comes out here sometimes. I have no idea when. Or where it goes. But maybe if I can meet up with it, I could return my books that way instead of going on the bus to the library. If I had a bus pass, I wouldn't mind going anywhere. But I never have enough money to get one, and I have to use my tickets sparingly. I'd like to get one valid for a whole year, but I'd never be able to afford one of those. Public transportation is getting costly. I'm wondering where all the money is really coming for for the transit expansions. It's kind of funny how they needed to make 4 different options to figure out that we needed transportation in Orleans and Kanata. Why make urban expansions and not transit expansions to accommodate them? Like they really needed to do all that to figure THAT out?

What they need is a direct route from Bayshore to Baseline. A connection route. If they had kept the tracks from the street cars we used to have, then they could have been revamped for a subway type train. Ottawa is the only major Canadian city without a real train system. I think that the current O-Train track is useless. Nobody has any reason to go to South Keys unless they live there or have to go to Carleton U. That's the only people it is good for. College Students. I've only been on it a few times. I'm pretty sure they meant for the transit way that goes from Lebreton Flats to Baseline station for the subway, especially the part from Lebreton to Dominion. If they just put the f*cking train there, then there wouldn't be a problem. That's where it was supposed to go in the first place. Or else why would they have dug a trench for the transit way there? It's practically underground. Subway. But the stupid city planners are moronic f*ck-heads who just don't think of things like that. They wonder why we're experiencing as many problems as we are.

I was reading in the media about how there should be a single commission to deal with public transit. Duh! There can't be any accountability where there are departments that don't want to co-operate with each other. Because politics comes into play. I was on the bus this morning and I was talking to a buddy of mine I haven't seen for a while. He rung the bell and was at the door, waiting for the driver to stop at his stop. The bus driver missed his stop, kept going past the next stop and would have kept going if we didn't yell at him to stop.

There was a time that Ottawa had one of the best public transit systems in the country, but now we can't say that. Now we are saying the service is sh*tty and it needs to be better. What happens if one of these drivers is driving a train and forgets to stop or stops paying attention to what they are doing? I know missing a stop isn't as bad as failing to stop and causing an accident or something like that, but it is the principle of doing a job, which isn't very hard.

One time I was at Baseline station and a woman on a wheelchair was stuck on a bus because the driver apparently forgot to let her off the bus and got of the bus himself. I was appalled that this is the kind of service we are paying for.

Once, I was on the bus with my son when he was a baby. He was crying and I was trying everything I could of to get him to stop. The driver was getting annoyed by my son's crying and as I was getting off the bus he said to me: "You have no business having kids." I told my mother and she called the bus administration office and demanded an apology. I didn't push it. Even though I could have really done something about it. That has to be one of the rudest moments I had with a bus driver. I should have looked him right in the eye and said, "NO, YOUR PARENTS had no business having kids. Because obviously they never taught you respect."