It's Ridiculous

I haven't slept yet. This crap's been on my mind
because it kinda still grinds my gears. 

What bugged me was that it was a GAME.
AND I WAS SUPPOSED TO PLAY THAT.
LIKE I "WOULD" BECAUSE I WAS "SUPPOSED TO."

I'm glad I'm getting it all out, I guess.

Once it's all out, I might feel better. Maybe.

It's ridiculous how much it has bothered me...
But I was doing fine without him contacting me out of the blue.

AFTER HE TURNED HIS BACK ON ME.
THINKING HE WAS GOING TO GET SOMETHING.

HE CHOSE WHAT HE CHOSE, SO WHY LOOK BACK?

People don't know me, so how could they judge me accurately?

I'm glad that Mirror Smasher went to that jealous hoe.
Probably inflated his ego so big that he can't stand straight.
AND SHE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.
AND HE WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT.

IF THEY WANT TO DEAL WITH EACH OTHER....
THEY CAN GO AHEAD.
THEY CAN SEE HOW "FUN" THAT WILL BE.

I just didn't think about people moving in ways that I wouldn't.
They aren't me, so I can't expect them to move in ways that I would.

I can't expect people to think the way I think.
To be on the page I'm on.

To "speak the same language"
TO UNDERSTAND ME, FULLY.

DID I WANT TO GIVE PEOPLE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT? YEAH?
BUT HOW DID THAT GO?

THE ONLY REASON MOST PEOPLE WANT TO COME BACK
IS TO TRY TO GET SOMETHING FROM ME. 

THEY WANT TO KNOW WHAT I HAVE GOING ON.
THAT IS THE ONLY REASON THAT I CAN SEE WHY THEY WOULD.

IF SOMEONE DOESN'T KNOW
WHETHER THEY LOVE ME OR HATE ME....
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN TRUST THEM.

IF I GAVE THEM A REAL REASON TO HATE ME...
THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING...

BUT HATING ME BECAUSE THEY THINK SOMETHING ABOUT ME...
OR HEARD SOME BS FROM SOMEONE
AND WON'T COME TO ME WITH IT....

THAT'S SOMETHING ELSE.

WHY DO THEY "MISS ME" WHEN I'M NOT THERE?
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO TAKE FOR ME NOT TO BE AROUND
FOR ANYONE TO EVEN THINK ABOUT ME?

COULD THEY HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT ME
WHEN I WAS RIGHT THERE?

PART OF IT.... THEY ARE USED TO A CERTAIN KIND OF PERSON.
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF PERSON.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

I DON'T HAVE TO GAF IF THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THAT.

IT WASN'T WORKING.

THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL
ABOUT ME NOT BEING AROUND....

BECAUSE THEY GOT USED TO ME....

NOT BECAUSE THEY ACTED LIKE THEY GAF, THOUGH.

IT SEEMS THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAY WITH ME.

ALL THE CHANCES I GAVE... WERE JUST.... FOR WHAT?

EVERY TIME I LET ANYONE BACK IN....
IT WAS THE SAME SH*T.

AND WHEN I'M FINALLY DONE...
THEY ACT LIKE IT WAS "SUDDENLY."

NO, IT WASN'T. 
IT WAS ACCUMULATED.

AND EXPLAINING ANYTHING
FOR THE 300TH TIME....

WOULDN'T HAVE CHANGED ANYTHING.

EVEN VENTING ABOUT THIS CRAP....
DOESN'T REALLY CHANGE ANYTHING.

JUST GETS IT OUT OF MY SYSTEM.

AND IF PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANTED TO BE IN MY LIFE
THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN IN IT, FOR REAL.

THEY'LL GET TO SEE EVERYTHING ELSE
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

JUST BECAUSE I CARED....
DOESN'T MEAN I WILL BE THERE "FOREVER"
AND DOESN'T MEAN I'LL PUT UP WITH "ANYTHING."

OR "EVERYTHING."
OR "WHATEVER."

WHY WOULD THINGS GO BACK TO THE WAY THEY WERE?

AFTER DISCARDING ME AND XYZ?

TWICE, BY THE WAY....

WHAT THEY WANTED WAS THAT THEY LIKED THE WAY THEY FELT
WHEN I WAS AROUND.

THAT WAS IT.
BUT I NEVER EVEN GOT TO SAY HOW I FELT ABOUT THE BS....
UNTIL I STARTED WRITING ABOUT IT.

BECAUSE THOSE FKTARDS DID NOT WANT TO LISTEN.

WHEN I WAS AROUND MIRROR SMASHER, ONCE...
BEFORE WE HAD ANOTHER FIGHT...

I FELT SOMETHING EITHER IN THE ROOM...
OR COMING FROM HIM.

I COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS COMING FROM HIM...
OR IF IT WAS IN THE ROOM WITH US.

BUT I DEFINITELY FELT IT.

HADN'T FELT THAT AROUND HIM BEFORE...
OR SINCE THEN... BUT AT THAT TIME, YES.

THIS WAS BEFORE HE SMASHED MY MIRROR...

HE WASN'T ALWAYS IN THAT ENERGY, BUT THAT ENERGY....
I FELT THAT. 

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS, 
BUT WHATEVER IT WAS....
I DIDN'T LIKE IT.

I TOLD HIM ABOUT THAT, AFTER THAT...
HE SAID THAT SOMEONE ELSE FELT THAT, TOO.
AND THAT HE RAN OUT OF THE HOUSE...

CONFIRMATION THAT IT WAS VERY REAL.

BUT WHEN I FEEL THINGS LIKE THAT....
IT'S DEFINITELY NOT ME. 
I DON'T USUALLY FEEL THINGS LIKE THAT...
BUT WHEN I DO.... I REALLY FEEL IT.

MAYBE IT WAS AN "ATTACHMENT" OR SOMETHING...
OR... IT WAS ACTUALLY HIS ENERGY.

IT WAS... DARK.

BUT IT WAS WHEN HE HAD TOLD ME
THAT HE WAS TRYING TO TRIANGULATE ME
WITH HIS "EX."

OBVIOUSLY THAT P*SSED ME OFF.

AND HOW HE ACTED P*SSED ME OFF.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I GAVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE
AFTER THAT.

I WROTE ABOUT THAT NIGHT.
I KNOW THAT I DID BECAUSE I WAS SO P*SSED OFF.

YEARS AGO... 
WHEN IT HAPPENED.

IT'S THAT I DON'T LEAD AS MY "SWORDS" SIDE.
SO MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT I HAVE THAT SIDE.

WHEN I SHOW THAT SIDE...
THEY THINK: "A***'S BEING DIFFICULT"
OR "A***'S BEING TOXIC."

NOT... "I'M NOT BEING FAIR TO A***."

EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED...
AND I HAD TO CARRY ALL OF IT.

"ALONE."
ALL THE FKTARDERY.

"If A***'s the problem, I'm not."

ALL MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BEING TREATED LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!

EVEN BY MY FAMILY!

FKN SMEAR CAMPAIGNS.

AND WHEN I STOP DEFENDING MYSELF?

WHEN I AM NOT THERE ANYMORE....
WHO DO THEY HAVE TO BLAME?

STILL TRYING TO BLAME ME!

"I CAN'T BE WRONG, EVER."

YES, YOU FKN CAN!

I WAS SUPPOSED TO "BE THERE"

TO "GIVE GIVE GIVE GIVE"
TO BE RAILROADED CONSTANTLY.

EVEN BY MY OWN FAMILY!

SO NOW.... I DON'T REALLY TELL MANY PEOPLE
ANYTHING ABOUT WHAT I'M UP TO.

"HOW'S A*** DOING?"
NOBODY KNOWS!

HOW WOULD THEY?

A LOT OF PEOPLE RUN FROM THEIR REALITY
BY CREATING NARRATIVES ETC.

SURE, PAIN EXPLAINS SOME THINGS.
BUT IT'S NOT AN EXCUSE TO XYZ... 

THEY THINK THAT "NOT NEEDING PERMISSION"
TO WALK AWAY OR HAVE BOUNDARIES...
IS "BEING COLD."

IT'S STRENGTH.

MY MOM SEEMS TO THINK
THAT HER VERSION OF GIVING A FK...
IS SENDING ME A VIDEO
OF SOMETHING SHE WANTS ME TO MAKE FOR HER
AND SAYING "HINT HINT."

LITERALLY THE ONLY THING SHE SAID TO ME
IN MONTHS.

WHEN I STOP TALKING TO HER...
SHE DOES THINGS LIKE THIS.

EVERYTHING SHE DID WAS ON PURPOSE.
EVERYTHING EVERYONE DID WAS ON PURPOSE.
INCLUDING HER.

PEOPLE TAKE ME FOR GRANTED!
ALL THE FKN TIME!

LIKE IF THEY TRASHED ME ENOUGH
I WOULD FIGHT FOR MY NAME.

RIGHT?
WANTING ME TO REACT! RIGHT?

NOT JUST MY MOM, THOUGH!

12 YEAR DISCARD, MIRROR SMASHER, 
HEAD PUNCHER,
A FEW OTHERS WHO DON'T HAVE NICKNAMES YET...

NOT SURE WHAT TO CALL THAT COND0M GUY...
I need a good one for him. 
I "could" call him Cond0m Guy....
But he needs a name that reflects his level of fktardery.

I don't know how I contain myself sometimes.

I already vented about him.
As bad as that was...
He's not the one who disappointed me the most.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN ONE THING...
IF I SPECIFICALLY WENT THERE TO HOOK UP WITH HIM.
YEAH?

BUT THAT WAS NOT DISCUSSED!
AND I HAD ALREADY SHOWN DISINTEREST.

IT WAS STRATEGY. 
I DIDN'T LIKE THAT SH*T.

MAKES MY STOMACH FEEL WEIRD.
JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.
BECAUSE I REMEMBER HOW ANGRY I WAS.
AND WHAT DUDES USUALLY DO
WHEN I'M ANGRY.

THEY DON'T SEEM TO "UNDERSTAND"
WHY I WOULD BE!

HMMM!

LIKE HE WAS SOMEHOW GOING TO
TRICK ME INTO IT
OR MAGICALLY CONVINCE ME
JUST BY DOING THAT.

"I'M SO USED TO GETTING MY WAY...."
"I'LL JUST DO THIS...."

FK NO!

I'M NOT HERE TO MAKE ANYONE
"COMFORTABLE."

IF A FKTARD NEEDS TO BE TOLD...
THEY NEED TO BE TOLD!

BECAUSE THIS SH*T IS????? 
OLD!

GAMES ARE????? OLD!

SHOW ME SOMETHING "NEW."
IT'S TIME. 

WOULD YOU NOT BE TIRED OF THIS SH*T?
WOULD YOU NOT BE EXHAUSTED?

IF THAT MEETING WENT WAY BETTER THAN THAT.....
HE MIGHT HAVE HAD A CHANCE!

RIGHT?
BUT? HOW DID THAT GO?

LIKE HOW EXHAUSTING IT IS.....
FOR SOMEONE TO BE COLD TO ME...
THEN WAIT 12 YEARS...
SAYING NOTHING.....
BEING NOWHERE....

TO JUST "POP" UP.

"WHAT SHOULD BE."
VS 
"WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN."

AND IF THEY STILL CAN'T FKN SEE.... ME....
AND ACT LIKE THEY JUST WANTED SOMETHING...
AND ACT LIKE MY FEELINGS NEVER MATTERED, AGAIN...

ARE THEY READY TO EVEN FKN TALK TO ME AGAIN?
NO?

BECAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT SH*T?
NEVER DID?

NEVER DID!!!!!

THOUGHT I WOULD WAIT!
12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOULD YOU NOT BE INSULTED?

*"I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU IN MY LIFE"*
 - 12 YEAR DISCARD.

*SARCASM*

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN TOTALLY DIFFERENT,
THOUGH....

DEPENDING ON HOW WE SPLIT, RIGHT?

IF WE HAD LOST CONTACT....
IF THINGS HAD ENDED WELL...
IF HE HADN'T BEEN LIKE THAT TO ME...

I WOULD HAVE WELCOMED HIM BACK!
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO RECONNECT!

INITIALLY THINGS WERE GREAT!

BUT THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

COULDN'T TALK AND GOT GASLIT? YEAH?
ABOUT MY FEELINGS GETTING DISMISSED? YEAH?

REPEATEDLY? YEAH?

THEN? "HERE I AM!"

NOTHING SAYS: "I TRULY APPRECIATE YOU, A***"
LIKE WHATEVER TF HE THOUGHT THAT BS WAS.

SURPRISED HE "WANTED" ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME....
RIGHT?

SINCE WHAT? HE DIDN'T!

HAD TO DO ME LIKE THAT? REALLY?

HE COULD HAVE JUST... NOT DONE ME LIKE THAT.
JUST THAT.

AT THE LEAST. RIGHT?

COULD HAVE????
WISHED ME WELL????

YEAH?

IF PEOPLE DO THAT SH*T TO ME....
THEY ARE PROBABLY DOING THIS SH*T
TO OTHER PEOPLE.

"HAND TO GOD, (LIE)."
REALLY THAT BAD!

WELP, "GOD" KNOWS THE TRUTH!
BEEN WATCHING AND TAKING NOTES!

KNOWS THE TRUTH ABOUT ALL OF IT.
EVERYONE.

EVEN ME.

KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT WAS DONE, 
CHOSEN BY WHOM.

SAID BY WHOM.
WHY IT WAS SAID, TOO.

ALL OF IT.

I DON'T HAVE TO "GET OVER IT"
JUST BECAUSE HE WANTED ME TO!

WHY SHOULD I MAKE IT "EASY" FOR HIM?
HE MADE IT HARD FOR ME FOR NO REASON!

AT LEAST I HAVE A REASON!
BECAUSE HE WAS DOING THAT SH*T.
AND? HE DIDN'T HAVE TO!

THAT'S WHY!

PEOPLE CAN TALK A LOT OF SH*T ABOUT ME, TOO, EH?
BUT WHO HAS THE B@LLS TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT ME?
ANYONE?

WHO EVEN KNOWS ME, EH?
ANYONE?

WHY DON'T THEY?
MAYBE A REASON FOR THAT?

BECAUSE THEY'D RATHER TALK SH*T ABOUT ME?
PROBABLY BECAUSE OF THAT!

IMAGINE PEOPLE WHO NEVER KNEW YOU
HAVING SO MUCH SH*T TO TALK ABOUT YOU.
EH?

STILL GOING 12 YEARS LATER LIKE:
"LET'S TRY THIS SH*T AGAIN."

LIKE THAT SH*T WAS "OKAY."
BECAUSE: "A***'S XYZ!"

WTF IS THAT SH*T? TO DO TO ME?

THEN I'M PUSHED TO SAY IT?
IN A WAY THAT ISN'T "NICE"
BECAUSE WHY SHOULD I BE "NICE" ABOUT IT?

WAS HE "NICE" ABOUT HIS BS?
TRYING TO GASLIGHT ME?
ABOUT WHAT HE KNOWS THAT I REMEMBER?

BECAUSE I LITERALLY TOLD HIM!

BUT TRY TO GASLIGHT ME ABOUT IT ANYWAY!

INSULTING!

YES.... BEING INSULTED P*SSES ME OFF.
BECAUSE HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO IT....
AND KEEP DOING IT...
AND EXPECT ME TO BE "NICE" TO YOU?

Audacity

I think what another thing was....
THEY COULD HAVE JUST BEEN HONEST!!!!!!!!
JUST THAT!

HAD THEY JUST BEEN HONEST....
I WOULDN'T HAVE ANY OF THAT SH*T.

HONEST TO ME.
HONEST ABOUT ME.
HONEST ABOUT WHAT THEY WERE ACTUALLY DOING!
TO ME!
AND WHY!

MY SIDE OF IT!
NOT WHAT THEY WANTED PEOPLE TO THINK!


That is what bugged me.
And apparently when it is OVER....
THEY TRY TO COME BACK?

IF I HAD DONE THAT????
HOW WOULD IT HAVE LOOKED?

IF I DID THE FKN UPTMOST.....
AND HAD THE AUDACITY....

AFTER THAT?

ISN'T THAT IN ITSELF...
ENOUGH TO BE UPSET ABOUT?

AND WHEN I'M IN A DIFFERENT PLACE?

BEEN UP ALL NIGHT.

I NEED TO TRY TO SLEEP SOON.

MY BRO IS STOPPING BY TODAY.
NOT SURE WHEN.
TALKED TO HIM YESTERDAY.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I GAVE MY BRO CHANCES TOO.
I'M NOT FULL OF CHANCES.

THE NEXT TIME ANYONE SHOWS ME
ANY SH*T....

THEY WILL NOT GET FK ALL FROM ME.
NO FAVORS... NOTHING.

12 YEAR DISCARD ALREADY SHOWED ME.
THIS YEAR. 

MIRROR SMASHER ALREADY SHOWED ME.

EVERYONE WHO HAS ALREADY SHOWED ME....

THEY SHOWED ME.

ALREADY.

WHAT IS THERE LEFT TO SAY?

ANYTHING?

TO THEM?

I ALREADY GAVE THEM CHANCES. RIGHT?

I ALREADY PUT MY LIFE ASIDE
FOR ALL THOSE FKTARDS.

WHO ALL HAD SH*T TO SAY ABOUT ME.

RIGHT?

EVEN 12 YEARS LATER?
COULDN'T HAVE JUST LEFT ME BE?

THAT IS WHAT BUGS ME.
THAT.

AND DID I SAY ANYTHING TO HIM
SINCE HE GHOSTED ME? NO?

HE CAME AT ME? YEAH?

SUPPOSED TO TURN THE OTHER CHEEK?
THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT
BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO USED TO
ME BEING IN THE BACKGROUND
OF MY OWN LIFE....

I'M NOT ANYMORE!

THEY KNOW THEY ARE "BETTER OFF"
BEING ON MY "GOOD SIDE"
THAN MY "BAD SIDE."

BECAUSE WHEN I AM DONE, I AM DONE.
THAT IS WHY HE DIDN'T HEAR FROM ME
FOR 12 YEARS!!!!!!!!!!

THAT IS WHY!!!!!!!!

STILL TALKING ABOUT ME?
12 YEARS LATER?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THAT SH*T?
COULDN'T JUST RESPECT ME
BECAUSE HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE XYZ.....
BECAUSE I AM A HUMAN?
A PERSON?

GEEZ!

I WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT UP WITH THAT?
WHATEVER HE WANTED FROM ME....

NO!!!!!!

WHY WOULD HE HEAR FROM ME?
ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS SH*T?

Exclusion

Like I said.... Been kept on the OUTSIDE.... Most of my life.
It used to feel PERSONAL.
It was supposed to.... 

Didn't have to... Never had to...
But realizing it was intentional... 
HELPED ME REALIZE....
THAT I HAVE MY OWN CHOICES.

Being kept on the outside.
MADE ME REALIZE THAT I PREFER IT.

I can only be on the outside so long
until I started to like it.

Pushed away... REPEATEDLY.

To the point that I WOULD RATHER STAY AWAY!

BECAUSE I CAN'T KEEP TRYING.... ALL THE TIME...
BEING AVAILABLE ETC.

WHY DO THEY ONLY NOTICE.... WHEN I STOP TRYING?
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND?

WHEN I STOP WANTING TO BE CLOSE TO ANYONE?

THAT'S WHAT I WANTED TO KNOW!

WHEN I TRIED..... THEY DIDN'T WANT ME! RIGHT?

CARING ABOUT SOMEONE
AND CARING ABOUT HAVING ACCESS TO THEM...

ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

WHAT BUGGED ME...
IS WHEN THEY WANTED MY CARE....
THEY MADE ME THINK THERE WAS A REASON
TO BE "CLOSE"
AND WHEN I RESPONDED TO THAT "CLOSENESS"
THEY ACTED LIKE I WAS AN ISSUE.

WANTING ME WHEN THEY MISS ME....
THEN PUSHING ME AWAY RIGHT AFTER THAT....

WHAT WAS THAT DOING TO ME?
WAS THAT FAIR TO ME?

IT WASN'T THAT THEY "NEED SPACE"
SPACE IS SOMETHING I UNDERSTAND.

IT WAS DISMISSING HOW I FELT
ABOUT BEING PUSHED AWAY
LIKE I DIDN'T FKN MEAN ANYTHING...

AND BEING EXPECTED TO BE THERE
WHEN THEY WANTED ME TO BE.

HOW CAN SOMEONE WANT MY WARMTH.....
AND THEN BE FKN COLD TO ME?

LIKE I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO FEEL ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT.

IF I DID THAT TO THEM... HOW WOULD THEY FEEL?
LIKE I DID? ABOUT THAT?

THEY EXPECTED...
WARMTH, KINDNESS, SUPPORT, UNDERSTANDING, FORGIVENESS...
ALL KINDS OF THINGS.... 
FROM ME.

AND WHEN I JUST WANTED TO FEEL LIKE I FKN MATTERED TO THEM....
HOW DID THEY ACT?

HOW DID THEY TREAT ME WHEN I JUST WANTED THAT?
FROM THEM?

WHENEVER THEY WERE UNCERTAIN ABOUT ME...
THEY CREATED "DISTANCE."

BUT???? THEY DID IT IN THE COLDEST WAY POSSIBLE!

HOW CAN SOMEONE WANT AFFECTION FROM ME....
AND NOT WANT TO GIVE ME ANY?

OUT OF FEAR? THEN TALK ABOUT IT.

WHY PLAY GAMES LIKE THAT?

BECAUSE THEY "FORGOT" THAT I WAS A PERSON?

UNTIL THEY STOPPED GETTING ANYTHING FROM ME?
UNTIL I COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED?

BECAUSE I "WANTED TOO MUCH"?

MY PATIENCE WAS NOT PERMISSION TO AVOID ME.
IF THEY WANTED TO AVOID ME...
THEY NEVER HAD TO BE IN MY LIFE AT ALL!

RIGHT?

WHY TRY TO PUSH ME TO... "REASSURE" THEM....
AND "MAKING" ME PROVE MYSELF....

WHEN I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE EXHAUSTED?
FRUSTRATED?
ANGRY?
HURT?

TIRED OF BEING FKN RAILROADED....
AS "UNSTABLE"
WITHOUT GETTING TO FKN SAY
WHAT I WAS EVEN UPSET ABOUT!!!!!!!!

WHY DID I HAVE TO "DEFEND" MYSELF CONSTANTLY????
WHY DO I EVEN FEEL THE WAY I DO???!!!!!!!

AND EVERY TIME THEY TOLD THEIR "VERSION"
WHAT WERE THEY "OMITTING"?
WHAT DIDN'T I GET TO SAY FOR MYSELF?
DID I GET TO SAY ANYTHING?
ABOUT HOW I WAS BEING TREATED?

NO? I NEVER GOT TO SAY ANYTHING?
ABOUT HOW I FELT AND WHY?

AND WHEN I TRIED TO?
HOW DID THEY ACT?

LIKE I MATTERED?
LIKE HOW I FELT MATTERED?

NO? 

IT WAS "OKAY" TO BE EVERYONE'S EMOTIONAL 
"PUNCHING BAG"

AND ANY TIME I EXPRESSED HOW I FELT????
AND WHY????

HOW DID THEY ACT?????

WHAT DID THEY EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT?

TO BE JUDGED AND DEMEANED 
BECAUSE I "REACTED"?
TO SOME BS?

I WAS EXPECTED TO ACCEPT THAT.

WHEN I STOPPED ACCEPTING THAT?
HOW DID THEY ACT?

"A***'S UNSTABLE!"
WAS A "JUSTIFICATION" TO DO XYZ.....

ACCUSATIONS ABOUT MY CHARACTER...
AREN'T FACTS ABOUT MY CHARACTER.

NEITHER ARE ANY ASSUMPTIONS.

IF SOMEONE'S JUDGING YOU UNFAIRLY....
WOULD THAT P*SS YOU OFF?

I DIDN'T NEED ANYTHING FROM HIM....
12 YEARS LATER!!!!!!!!!

OR AT ALL! 

I ALREADY CLOSED THAT CHAPTER OF MY LIFE!
RIGHT?

BECAUSE THERE WAS NO POINT
IN KEEPING IT OPEN!

NO POINT TRYING ANYMORE!
NO POINT CARING ANYMORE!

WHY DEFEND MYSELF
TO ANYONE WHO WON'T LISTEN TO ME?

CONSTANTLY!

IS THERE ANY POINT IN DOING THAT? NO?

JUST BECAUSE I'M EXPECTED TO?

FK EVERYONE FOR EXPECTING SO DAMN MUCH FROM ME!!!!!!

WHEN DO I GET TO "EXPECT" ANYTHING?
OTHER THAN THAT BS?

FKN GASLIT ME!
AND EVERYONE ABOUT ME!

WHY THOUGH?
BECAUSE THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO TELL THE TRUTH!

"IF A***'S CRAZY.... NOBODY WILL LISTEN TO HER!"
"THEY'LL BELIEVE ME! NOT HER!"

THEN TRY TO COME BACK 12 YEARS LATER?
LIKE THEY NEVER DID ANY OF THAT SH*T?

JUST TO INSULT ME SOME MORE?
TO "MAKE" ME "SNAP" AT THEM?

"SEE! THAT'S WHY I WAS A FKN @SSHOLE TO YOU!"
"WATCH ME BE AN @SSHOLE YET AGAIN!"

CAN I EXPECT ANYTHING BETTER THAN THIS?
NOT FROM HIM!

NOT FROM ANY OF THE FKTARDS!
RIGHT?

WHO WITNESSED THOSE "CONVERSATIONS"?
ONLY HIM AND I?

AND WHO WAS READING MY MESSAGES 
TO AND FROM MIRROR SMASHER?

HIS "EX"! AND WHOEVER ELSE!

THEY WEREN'T "PRIVATE"
LIKE I THOUGHT THEY WERE!

RIGHT?

AND WHAT IF MY "EX" WAS DOING THAT SH*T?
AND THREATENING HIM?

JUST FOR TALKING TO ME?

FOR BEING A "THREAT" TO HER?
AND WHAT SHE WANTED FROM HIM!!!!!

AND.... HERE'S SOMETHING THAT P*SSED ME OFF.
SHE WAS TRYING TO ACT LIKE ME....

BECAUSE THE ONLY THINGS SHE KNEW
ABOUT ME
WAS THROUGH THOSE MESSAGES
AND WHATEVER TF HE TOLD HER ABOUT ME.

RIGHT?

SHE KNEW FK ALL ABOUT ME.
AND DECIDED SHE NEEDED TO "KNOW"
AND WHAT DID SHE DO WITH IT?

AND WHY?

WHEN SHE COULD HAVE????
MINDED HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS!

BUT EVERYONE WANTED TO "TALK ABOUT" ME
AND MY CHARACTER....

BUT DID ANYONE KNOW ME????

WAS ANY OF THAT SH*T FAIR TO ME?

WAS I UPSET THAT A BUNCH OF SH*T WASN'T FAIR TO ME?

IS THAT A REASONABLE THING TO BE UPSET ABOUT?

AND WAS THERE ANYTHING I COULD "REASONABLY" 
DO ABOUT IT?

OTHER THAN JUST WALK TF AWAY?
AND WHEN I DID..... HOW DID THEY ACT?

LIKE I DID IT BECAUSE I NEVER GAF!!!!!!!!!
THAT IS HOW THEY ACTED!!!!!!!

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN PROVING MYSELF!!!!!!
CONSTANTLY!!!!!!!
TO EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!
ALL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

WERE THEY LISTENING ANYWAY?????????

OR WERE THEY QUESTIONING MY CHARACTER??????

NOBODY WAS LISTENING!
TO ANYTHING I WAS SAYING!!!!!!!!!!

SO THERE WAS NO FKN POINT!!!!!!!!!!!
IN SAYING ANYTHING!!!!!!!!

BECAUSE????? WHEN I DID??????
WHAT HAPPENED WHEN I DID?

DID ANYTHING CHANGE?
OR GET BETTER?

NO?

WERE THEY GOING TO? NO?

I WAS NOT GOING TO BE "HAPPY"
BEING FKN DISMISSED AND DISREGARDED!
I WASN'T!

WHY WOULD I HAVE WANTED TO FIGHT?
FK! WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER....

IF YOU TOLD ME EXACTLY WHAT TO FKN EXPECT!
INSTEAD OF FINDING OUT?????

FFS!

BUT WHEN I HAVE A POINT....
IT'S "EMASCULATING"!

OR I'M TRYING TO "MANIPULATE" THEM!

INTO WHAT? FOR WHAT?

FOR THEM TO FKN REALIZE?
WHAT I'M EVEN SAYING?????

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN COOL!
IF I WANTED ANYTHING....
IT WAS FOR THEM TO UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!
WHY SOMETHING WOULD BE UNFAIR!!!!!!!
AND WHY I MIGHT BE UPSET ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT ALL THAT "EXPLAINING"
WAS ABOUT!

MANIPULATION! 

WHY SHOULD I HAVE EXPLAINED THAT????

HOW MANY TIMES?
HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS?

AND THEN BE "MAD" THAT I DON'T TRUST THEM?
ENOUGH TO WANT TO WORK WITH THEM?

12 YEARS LATER?

OR WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
BECAUSE OF HOW BRUTALLY UNFAIR SOMETHING WAS?

SO BRUTALLY UNFAIR....
THAT I HAD LEFT IT BEHIND
12 YEARS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!

TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME!!!!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!!!

WHY IS HE NOT OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT I LET GO?
HE WAS THE ONE WHO FKN WANTED ME TO!
WHEN HE GAVE ME NO FKN CHOICE!

I ACCEPTED IT.
WHICH WAS THE HEALTHY THING TO DO.

HE SEEMS TO HAVE ZERO SELF-AWARENESS.

ANYWAY... IT WAS JUST FKN UNFAIR.

I DON'T WANT HIM IN MY ENERGY ANYMORE.
I FEEL HIM STILL IN IT. 

LIKE HE'S MAD THAT I ALREADY ACCEPTED IT.
AND I DID.... BECAUSE OF HOW HE TREATED ME.

AND IF HE HAD ACCEPTED THAT I ACCEPTED IT....
HE WOULDN'T HAVE TRIED ME AGAIN
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

LIKE REALITY DOESN'T EXIST.
HIS REALITY MAYBE.

BUT NOT THE REALITY THAT I LET GO 12 YEARS AGO.
HE LITERALLY FORCED ME TO DO IT!

THE THING OF IT ALL...
IF HE WANTED SOMEONE JUST LIKE HIM....
BECAUSE I WAS SO XYZ.....
WHAT WAS THE POINT....
IN DEALING WITH ME AT ALL?

WHY WASTE MY TIME?

AND THEN? WHY WASTE MY TIME AGAIN?

WHAT WAS THE POINT IN THAT?
IN ANY OF THAT?

IF HE HAD ZERO INTEREST IN ME AT ALL?

WHY FKN DO IT AT ALL?

MOSTLY JUST THAT.

ESPECIALLY AFTER I'D MOVED ON.
THAT PART.

THAT WAS WHAT BUGGED ME.
AND BEING MANIPULATED INTO TREATING ME
LIKE THAT.

BY WHO? EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SEE US TOGETHER?

AND WHY'D THEY BE IN HIS EAR?
AND HE LISTENED TO THEM!

BUT "WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?"

I FEEL A FEW PEOPLE'S ENERGIES ON ME.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY THEY WOULD BE!

DID ANYONE FKN CARE ENOUGH AT THE TIME?
NO?

SO WHY NOW?

IF THEY DID, WOULD I HAVE GONE THROUGH THAT?
NO?

THE SUN'S COMING UP. I'M TIRED.

I Chose To!

One reason why some people "intentionally" leave me out...
WAS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT
LEAVING ME OUT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL "INFERIOR."

BEING LEFT OUT... WOULD MAKE THEM FEEL THAT WAY.
SO THEY THINK IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH BEING LEFT OUT OF
THINGS I DON'T NEED TO BE A PART OF.

Initially.... It stung... Like mostly family stuff...

BUT I SAW IT FOR WHAT IT WAS.
IT DIDN'T MAKE ME WANT TO BE INCLUDED.

IF SOMEONE IS TRYING TO USE SOMETHING AGAINST ME...
LIKE A "FEAR OF MISSING OUT"

THEY ARE TRYING TO DO THAT.

WHATEVER REASONS THEY ARE DOING IT....
THEY DID THAT.

THE THING IS.... I DON'T HAVE FOMO.
TRYING TO USE FOMO AGAINST ME...
DOES NOT WORK ON ME.

THEY CAN TRY THAT... BUT IT DOES NOT WORK.

IF THEY COULD "MAKE" ME FEEL INFERIOR...
THEY COULD "MAKE" THEMSELVES FEEL "SUPERIOR."

AND SOMEHOW THAT WOULD BE "DISABLING."

BECAUSE???? THEY WOULD FEEL LIKE THAT.
SO THEY THINK THAT I WOULD.
BUT I DON'T.

LEAVING ME OUT WAS SUPPOSED TO "KEEP ME DOWN."
BUT??? WHAT WERE THEY LEAVING ME OUT OF?

SOMETHING I DON'T CARE TO BE A PART OF?

IF PEOPLE KEEP ME ON THE OUTSIDE....
I'D RATHER BE ON THE OUTSIDE!

SO HOW CAN IT BE "DISABLING" TO ME?
IT'S NOT.

BUT.... I SAW IT.

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE.

IT'S THAT I DON'T LOOK LIKE WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH.

THAT MAKES THEM FEEL A TYPE OF WAY.

IT SHOULDN'T.... BUT THEY DO.
EVEN THOUGH HOW THEY FEEL
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH ME.

THE THING IS THAT LEAVING ME OUT....
OF THAT BS...

GAVE ME THE TIME I NEEDED FOR MYSELF.
TO DO THE THINGS I NEEDED TO DO.

IT DIDN'T DISABLE ME... 
IT ENABLED ME IN MANY WAYS.

THEY WANTED ME ON THE OUTSIDE
SO THAT I WOULD BE "INVESTED"
IN WANTING TO BE ACCEPTED AND INCLUDED.

I COULD CARE LESS WHAT THEY ARE DOING
OR TRYING TO DO....
AND IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME
TO EVEN FIGURE OUT WHY THEY WERE DOING IT.

THEY WANTED ME TO FEEL THE WAY THAT THEY WOULD FEEL....
IF I DID THAT SH*T TO THEM.

JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO FEEL BETTER!
ABOUT THEMSELVES AND THEIR OWN LIVES!

BUT THE ONLY WAY TO FEEL BETTER....
IS NOT TO ACT LIKE THAT.

TOO BUSY "JUDGING" ME...
TO REALIZE THAT I STOPPED GIVING A FK
A VERY LONG TIME AGO....

AND I'VE BEEN FOCUSED ON OTHER THINGS.

CHOICES THEY COULD HAVE MADE...
AND DIDN'T.

COULD HAVE! BUT DIDN'T!

THEY HAD THE SAME CHOICES! RIGHT?

WHY BE "JEALOUS" OF ANYTHING I "HAVE"
THAT I HAD TO "DIG" FOR?

IF THEY WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ME....
WHO IS INFERIOR? ME?

DO I WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN ANYONE? NO?

I WANT TO BE BETTER THAN WHO I USED TO BE.
THAT'S ALL I HAVE TO BE "BETTER" THAN.

THEY WANTED ME TO BE "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE"
BECAUSE THEY ARE.

IF THEY CAN'T SEE THAT... THERE ARE MORE THINGS
THAT THEY AREN'T SEEING...

MAYBE BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SEE IT.... IDK.

AND IF I WAS "EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE"
I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO XYZ.... RIGHT?

THAT IS WHY. 

BECAUSE IF I ACHIEVED MORE THAN THEY COULD....
THAT WOULD "MAKE" THEM FEEL A TYPE OF WAY...
EVEN THOUGH WHAT I ACHIEVE IS FOR ME. NOT THEM.
HAS FK ALL TO DO WITH THEM.

NO MATTER HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT IT.

I ALREADY TRIED. I WAS THERE.
BUT? WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THAT?

HERE'S SOMETHING....
THE ONLY ONES WHO WANT YOU TO "MISS YOUR MOMENT"
ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE AFRAID OF MISSING THEIRS.
OR WHO HAVE MISSED THEIRS.

BUT THE ONLY WAY THAT YOU CAN....
IS TO WORRY ABOUT MISSING IT.

BECAUSE??? ANY MOMENT....
CAN BE YOUR MOMENT.

DO YOU KNOW IN ADVANCE? NO?
SO???? ANY MOMENT.

IT'S NOT LIKE I WANT TO WASTE TIME
TRYING TO RIDE SOMEONE ELSE'S WAVE.

IF IT ISN'T MY WAVE... WHY WOULD I WANT TO RIDE IT?

IF MY WAVE IS COMING...
AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS WAIT FOR IT....
THEN???? WHY SHOULD I BE "BOTHERED"
WITH OR BY ANYONE ELSE'S WAVE?

SHOULD I CONCERN MYSELF
WITH ANYONE ELSE'S WAVE?

NO?

JUST BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO WAIT FOR MINE?

I'M FINE WAITING FOR IT.
BECAUSE I WILL KNOW THAT IT WAS MEANT FOR ME.

OTHER PEOPLE'S WAVES WERE MEANT FOR THEM.
RIGHT?

SO SHOULD I CONCERN MYSELF WITH ANY OF THAT? NO?

THEIR WAVE ISN'T MY WAVE. I CAN BE OKAY WITH THAT.

NOT SURE WHY THEY THINK I WOULDN'T BE...
BUT THEY SEEM TO ACT LIKE I WOULDN'T BE.

LIKE HOW AM I A "THREAT" FOR JUST BEING MYSELF?

CAN THEY BE THEMSELVES? YEAH?

IT DOES P*SS THEM OFF... WHEN THEY TRY TO ICE ME OUT...
AND I SEE THEM DOING IT...
BUT ACTUALLY NO LONGER GAF THAT THEY ARE DOING IT.

BUT..... I SEE THEM DOING IT.

IT'S BEEN DONE TO ME SINCE I WAS A KID!

EVEN BY RELATIVES FFS.

THINKING ABOUT WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
HAD THEY NOT DONE THAT...

THAT USED TO STING... BUT?
KNOWING WHAT IT IS...

SAVED ME ANY "GRIEF" ABOUT IT.

IF THEY DO THAT.... FOR "VALIDATION"
THEY'LL DO OTHER THINGS.

SO THEN? WHY BOTHER?

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR...
FEEL INFERIOR!

OR THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR!
RIGHT?

BUT IMAGINE MOST PEOPLE YOU MEET....
DOING THAT SH*T?

"IF WE CAN'T BEAT HER, WE'LL TRY TO JOIN HER."
NOPE. HAD THE CHANCE TO JOIN ME.

BUT? YOU TRIED TO "DISABLE" ME?

PEOPLE GIVE ME SUCH DIRTY LOOKS!
AND THEY THINK I DON'T SEE IT!

YES, I HAVE RBF. OKAY?
BECAUSE? WHEN I'M THINKING...
I'M TOO BUSY THINKING
TO KNOW WHAT MY FACE IS DOING.
MOST OF THE TIME... I DON'T KNOW
WHAT MY FACE IS DOING.

BECAUSE WHAT MY FACE IS DOING...
ISN'T SOMETHING I REALLY CARE ABOUT LOL.

TRUTHFULLY, THEY NEVER KNEW ME....
ENOUGH TO THINK I WAS TRYING TO BE "BETTER" THAN THEM!
I WANT TO BE "BETTER" THAN WHO I WAS!

IS THAT SOMETHING SO WRONG TO WANT?
DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
NEVER HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH THEM?
THEN WHY MAKE IT ABOUT THEMSELVES?

HARD TO EXPLAIN ALL OF THE BS I'VE EXPERIENCED.
THROUGHOUT MY LIFE.

IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL GOOD TO EXPLAIN IT, EITHER.
IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD TO HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.

THAT IS WHY I BECAME VERY PRIVATE.

I ISOLATE A LOT BECAUSE IT FEELS BETTER
TO BE ON MY OWN. IN MY OWN ENERGY.

IT FEELS BETTER THAN BEING AROUND PEOPLE
WHO NEVER ACTUALLY WANTED ME AROUND!

RIGHT?

AND IF THEY ACT LIKE THEY DON'T WANT ME AROUND...
THEY DON'T!!!!!!!!!!! SIMPLY PUT!

AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW ME....
THAT HAS MORE TO DO WITH THEM THAN ME!

STILL DOESN'T FEEL "GOOD" BUT????

BEING "ALONE" FEELS BETTER!!!!!!!!
A LOT BETTER!!!!!!!!!

THAN WISHING MY OWN FKN FAMILY
ACTUALLY LIKED ME!

WISHING THEY'D TREATED ME BETTER!
RIGHT?

WISHING THEY GAF ABOUT ME!

SO I DON'T WISH ANYTHING BAD ON THEM....
WHY WOULD I?

I WISH THEM ALL WELL....
I JUST DON'T HAVE TO WANT TO BE AROUND THEM!

IF THEY WANTED ME AROUND... COOL!

WE COULD HAVE ENJOYED EACH OTHER'S COMPANY!
RIGHT?

LEARNED THINGS FROM EACH OTHER!
ALL KINDS OF THINGS!

BUT????

SO I KEEP TO MYSELF NOW.
AND I'M OKAY WITH THAT.

I'M OKAY WITH THE FACT THAT THEY DON'T KNOW ME.
THEY HAD THE CHANCE TO, RIGHT?

THEY COULD HAVE HAD ME IN THEIR LIVES
IF THEY WANTED ME TO BE THERE.

BUT? 

THEY DIDN'T, AND THAT IS OKAY WITH ME!
BECAUSE? I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THEM IN MINE.

EVERYONE WHO COULD HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE.
EVEN TO A SMALL DEGREE....
COULD HAVE BEEN IN IT.

RIGHT?

AND THE PEOPLE I'VE BEEN THERE FOR...
WHO I SHOWED UP FOR... THEY MISS THAT FROM ME.

BUT I WAS NEVER OBLIGATED TO!
I CHOSE TO!