Going To Try To Sleep

From time to time, I think about some of the things
I've been through, in my life. 

When I realize I got this far BECAUSE
of everything I've been through... 

Sure, often, I do TRY to "help" people. 
BUT IF THEY WON'T RESPECT ME
EVEN FOR THAT ONE FACT, 

I WASN'T PUT HERE "FOR THEM."

I heard this today:
"The right doors won't open
until you're the version of yourself
that's meant to walk through that door."

This applies to everyone.

Even being in my life is an opportunity. 
The chance, itself IS the door. 

At that door there's a choice and a chance.

The choice to take the chance, 
and the choice to be who you should be, 
to even be in my life.

This goes for me, too. 

There were times I wasn't the version of myself
that should have been in anyone's life.

Even with the best of intentions.

The one thing that helps me sleep
IS KNOWING MY INTENTIONS WERE PURE.

REGARDLESS OF HOW ANYONE TRIES TO PAINT ME.

But one thing I had to learn is WHEN TO STOP DOING/GIVING/TRYING.

ESPECIALLY WHEN ANYONE TRIES TO UNDERMINE ME.
EMOTIONALLY ETC.

He had his choices and chances.

Sucks that if he ever realizes anything...
It'll be too late...

And he should have thought about that...

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LISTEN TO/BELIEVE
JEALOUS LIARS.

AND TELL THEM THINGS THAT AREN'T THEIR BUSINESS...

AND LET THEM SET THE "NARRATIVE."

Among other things... 

He let her use him against me.
REFUSED TO LISTEN TO ME ABOUT IT.
TOOK THAT CHANCE.
MADE THAT CHOICE,

But when you let someone take advantage of you... 
Don't set any boundaries with them...

LET THEM DO WHAT THEY WANTED TO...
INCLUDING RUINING SOMETHING
JUST BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO...

DON'T F*CKING BLAME ME FOR SH*T
THAT YOU ALLOWED!!!!

Because I could have believed a lot of sh*t.

AND I COULD HAVE LET THAT BE IN THE WAY.

HE TOOK THE BAIT, THOUGH!

AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?
GET SO MAD I RUIN MY OWN LIFE?

GO ON A RAMPAGE?
BECAUSE IT WASN'T FKN FAIR.

BECAUSE HAD IT BEEN FAIR...
I'D HAVE GOTTEN 100% BACK
WHAT I GAVE FROM THE START.

EVEN MEETING ME HALF WAY
WAS TOO MUCH OF A CHORE...

I was always worth at least half-way.

And I did myself no favors settling
for anything that didn't treat me like 
I was worth at least that much.

So why settle for anyone who'd treat that 
like a fkn chore?

When it's the least they can do
FOR ME AT LEAST MEETING THEM HALF WAY.

AND WHEN I PUT MY TRUST IN SOMEONE
TO AT LEAST DO
THE VERY LEAST THEY COULD DO
AND HOPEFULLY KNOW THEY SHOULD DO...

EVEN FOR BASIC RESPECT STUFF...

LIKE NOT PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD...

NOT DOING WHAT I TRUSTED THEM NOT TO DO...

I read a post about some dude, I forget his name...
He k!lled his gf because she didn't want to marry him
and buried her under her own house.

WHY WOULD ANY FEMALE
WANT TO MARRY ANYONE 
WHO'D ACT LIKE THAT WHEN THEY DIDN'T GET
WHAT THEY WANTED?

SHE HAD TRUSTED HIM, AT LEAST NOT TO DO THAT, RIGHT?

AND AFTER HE GOT OUT OF PRISON, FOR K!LLING HER, 
HE HORRIFICALLY @BUS3D HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND...

THE FACT THEY EVEN LET HIM OUT... 

But a life sentence, here, doesn't necessarily mean
"the rest of your life."

It's 25 years. That's it.

So people who have k!lled someone can get out.

When their sentence is up, it's up.

I knew someone who's relative pushed someone out a window
on the 13th floor.... And he got out after 25 years.

I know for a fact he got out. I spoke to the guy over the phone.
They lived together after he got out.

They've both died. 

The point was that he pushed a guy out the window
on the 13th floor... 

Went to prison for his sentence, did his sentence, got out.
Died a free man.

And the whole time he was a free man, 
he could have chosen to harm someone else etc...
He didn't. Didn't want to go back, but still....

If he had wanted to, he could have. 
He was free to have even tried to if he had wanted to.

I saw another post where a kid got arrested because he was acting like a threat.
He posted a video of himself rapping about k!lling people. 
They took it seriously and he's in custody.

AND SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE:
"BUT THAT'S WHAT RAP'S ABOUT, THOUGH..."
FOR REAL?! DOES RAP NEED TO BE ABOUT THAT?
DOES ANYTHING/ANYONE NEED TO BE ABOUT THAT?

I dated a dude who didn't want to marry me. Did I attack him?
No! I broke it off with him.

BECAUSE HE HAD HIS CHOICE, AND I HAD MINE.

And when two people are not a good fit, anyway, they aren't. 

I learned a lot more being on my own than with him.
He was actually holding me back in a lot of ways... 

Of course, I was holding myself back, too. I still do.
In a lot of ways... 

I don't know if I keep doing it because I got too used to it, 
or if it has something to do with not exactly knowing 
how not to... 

I think that in the past, some of it was that if I held myself back, 
I'd be available for everyone
who took me for granted in my life.

AND IN MY MIND, THE MORE I TRIED TO SHOW THEM
THAT I WAS WILLING TO SHOW UP FOR THEM
IN THE WAYS THEY COULD HAVE BEEN
SHOWING UP FOR ME...

THEY'D SEE THAT 1) I CARED ENOUGH TO XYZ...
2) ALL I WANTED WAS THE SAME IN RETURN. 

The same as in trust in each other to just fkn do
what we knew we should be doing, 
for each other... 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT CARING IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE...

AND THE SAME TRUST IN EACH OTHER
TO JUST FKN NOT DO
WHAT WE KNEW WE SHOULDN'T BE DOING.

Like the reason I was so p*ssed at my ex, at work... 
When we were working together... 

Was that I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO JUST TRUST HIM
TO JUST DO THE WORK HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING
WHILE I DID THE WORK I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

Because I was supposed to be able to trust him to do that...

I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING.

BUT IT WASN'T. 

And he got so comfortable just not doing it, 
that he thought he could just sit there, in front of me, 
and just get away with that. 

And I was supposed to trust him not to put his hands on me, period. 

Like that woman was, from that post. Even if she didn't want to marry that guy.

Him k!lling her because of that proves the point. 
You can't just do that and be like that.

TO SOMEONE YOU SAID YOU LOVED.

LOVED UNTIL THEY DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED?

And if you think I broke up with that one guy because he didn't want to get married, 
that was only part of it.

The point was, he was left to live his life, away from me.

I've been treated so damn harshly, that I know I don't deserve that sh*t.

At the same time, I'm not going to just accept less than half way.

Why should I be putting in the work for someone to sit on their @ss,
and get so comfortable doing it that they do it in my face
like that sh*t's okay?

And expect me not to say anything about it?

Yes, I did. 

Work's for working and getting the job done.
Not for watching me do the work
while you think it's okay not to do anything.

WOULD IT HAVE BEEN FAIR TO HIM
IF I GOT SO COMFORTABLE NOT WORKING
WHILE HE WAS WORKING
AND KEPT WATCHING HIM WORK?
WHILE I HAD WORK I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING?

And if anyone thinks I put work over our relationship, that's not it.

THE VERY LEAST THAT I WANTED WAS TO TRUST HIM
TO JUST BE DOING WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

There's a time to slack for a bit, but the work's there TO BE DONE.

IF HE HAD EYES ON HIM THE WHOLE TIME
HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN DOING IT.

IT WASN'T MY JOB TO BE EYES ON HIM. 
TO MAKE HIM DO HIS JOB.

I WAS BUSY DOING MY JOB. 

IF HE'D BEEN SLACKING "OUT OF MY SIGHT"

I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KEPT JUST TRUSTING
THAT HE WAS ACTUALLY DOING 

WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOING.

AND NOT DOING WHAT HE ACTUALLY CHOSE TO DO.

Work's not for f*cking around.

He didn't care about the job.
He cared about what he could get away with. 
Including with me. 

And that's what I had the issue with. 

It wasn't just about the work not getting done, or the job. 

It'd be like me only caring about what I could get away with... 
Including with him. 

When I was a lot younger, I did care about that.
So I can kind of understand that, but at the same time... 

Caring about that was bullsh*t. 

I was around a lot of people WHO ONLY CARED ABOUT THAT.
NOT ABOUT ME.

BECAUSE IF THEY CARED ABOUT ME, I WOULD HAVE MATTERED
TO THEM MORE THAN THAT.

But in my teens, I was more or less like that... In my 20s, too. 

BUT CERTAIN THINGS THAT I THOUGHT "MATTERED"
ACTUALLY DON'T. 

Recently, my neighbor asked me when the last time was that I had s3x.
I told him it doesn't matter.

He wasn't expecting me to say that.

BUT IT BUGGED ME THAT HE WANTED TO KNOW.

HE WOULDN'T HAVE ASKED THE GUYS...
BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATTER, RIGHT?

WHY WOULD HE EVEN WANT TO KNOW?

Just to bring it up? Somehow?
AFTER I SHUT HIM DOWN WHEN HE ASKED ME
IF I WANTED TO HAVE S3X?

"NO." SHOULD BE END OF "DISCUSSION."
EVEN ABOUT IT "IN GENERAL."

Like my "friend" should "realize" that I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want him bringing it up. 
I don't want him to put me on the spot.
I don't want to be put on the spot. 
I don't want to feel uncomfortable, at all. 
Around him or anyone else... 

So, "no" should just be "okay, I'll stop right here and now."

OUT OF RESPECT.

OUT OF RESPECT FOR EVEN THE FACT
THAT YOU WOULD WANT THEM TO STOP
RIGHT THERE AND THEN
ABOUT IT
IF YOU SAID NO.

RIGHT?

Even out of respect for THE FACTS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO RESPECT CERTAIN PEOPLE
TO HAVE RESPECT FOR FACTS.

And here's a fact:

Anyone who refused to "try to understand me" never "knew me"
like they "thought they knew me"

BECAUSE IT TAKES UNDERSTANDING ME
TO KNOW ME, PERIOD. 

UNDERSTANDING'S NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN FAKE.

IT'S EITHER YOU WANT TO, OR YOU DON'T. 
IT'S EITHER YOU DO, OR YOU DON'T. 

AND IS IT MY JOB
TO TRY TO FORCE ANYONE 
TO FKN UNDERSTAND ME?

NO!

Anyone trying to turn it into me trying to do a job
that's not even mine to do... 

IS WRONG ABOUT ME.

BUT WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO "FIGHT" CONSTANTLY
JUST TO BE UNDERSTOOD?

THE FACTS ARE ALL IN YOUR FACE.
SO IF YOU CHOOSE TO REFUSE TO LOOK AT THEM, 
HOW IS THAT MY FAULT?

HOW IS IT MY FAULT WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE
REFUSING TO LOOK AT THE FACTS?

If he did sit down with all the facts and talked to me about the facts...
AND REALIZED WHAT I WAS SAYING
AND WHY I WAS SAYING IT...

WE COULD HAVE HAD THAT CONVERSATION.
MANY TIMES OVER. 
MANY CHANCES WERE HAD 
JUST TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION. 

A FKN CONVERSATION!
SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN "THAT HAD" TO HAVE.
TO JUST HAVE, RIGHT?

BUT EVERYONE WHO KNEW THAT WE NEEDED
TO HAVE THAT CONVERSATION
DIDN'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN. 

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT TOOK. 
ALL THAT IT TOOK, JUST THAT.

AND EVEN IF HE WOKE TF UP AND REALIZED THAT...
DO I WANT TO HEAR WHAT HE HAS TO SAY, NOW?

AFTER EVERYTHING? WHY SHOULD IT MATTER?
I DIDN'T! NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO TELL FKN EVERYONE
WHO WAS EVER "IN HIS EAR ABOUT ME"
TO STFU. 

NOT ENOUGH FOR HIM TO WANT THE ONLY THING
THAT IT WOULD HAVE TAKEN, AND HE KNEW THIS... 
SO DID EVERYONE ELSE...

After years of just needing only that...

Whether everyone around him wanted him to be refusing, rude, resentful etc... 
To push me as far as he could push me...

KNOWING THAT AFTER XYZ I WOULDN'T WANT HIM ANYMORE...

BECAUSE I HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT AND STANDARDS. 

AND HAVING SELF-RESPECT AND STANDARDS ONLY BOTHERS PEOPLE
WHO WANT TO USE YOU.

Otherwise, why would having standards bother someone?
Shouldn't we have standards?

Should I be mad at someone for having standards? No?
Then why be mad at me for having standards?

Could have been loyal to me, yeah?
Could have chosen to be loyal to me, yeah?

Were they, though? 

AND THEN BE MAD AT ME ABOUT IT?

For having standards?!
I'm not sorry for having standards. 

OF COURSE I'M GOING TO WALK AWAY FROM THAT SH*T!
WHO FKN WOULDN'T?

ALL THAT SH*T WAS INTENTIONAL.

AND THEN TRY TO "INTIMIDATE" ME?
BECAUSE HAVING STANDARDS IS INTIMIDATING, I GUESS.

TRYING TO FKN ANTAGONIZE ME, EVEN.

THEN BLAME ME FOR MY "REACTION."
THE REACTION THEY WERE TRYING TO GET FROM ME... 

SO THEN WHY WOULD I WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T?
LET ALONE CONTINUE TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T?

JUST FOR THE "FUN" OF IT? OR WHAT?

But what bugs me is that they know what they were doing. 
Chose to do it anyway... 

AND THEN GET MAD THAT I DON'T WANT
TO DEAL WITH THAT SH*T.

WHO WOULD?
WOULD THEY?
FROM ME? NO?

THEN WHY WOULD I WANT TO?

Would my ex have spoken to me after I punched him in the head?
Probably not.

Could have had him charged. I didn't.
Could have fkn hurt him. I didn't. 

Why? I CHOSE NOT TO.

Could have chosen to, but did I? Nope.

Did I want to? Yes. But I didn't. 

What would be the point to physically hurt the guy?
He would have turned around and pressed charges on me. 
FOR ASSAULT. 

HAD I PUNCHED HIM IN THE HEAD
FOR PUNCHING ME IN THE HEAD...

He could have chosen to control himself. 
AND NOT PUNCH ME IN THE HEAD.

LIKE I CHOSE TO CONTROL MYSELF. 
AND NOT PUNCH HIM IN THE HEAD.

That was the point. 

The people WHO MADE THEIR CHOICES, MADE THEM. 

MIRROR BREAKER, HEAD PUNCHER, IRON HEART... 
AND WHOEVER ELSE.

COULD HAVE CHOSEN TO LISTEN
TO WHY I MIGHT HAVE BEEN UPSET
IN THE FIRST PLACE... 

AND REALIZED.... THEY HAD CHOICES.

AND REALIZED I COULD JUST BOUNCE
AS A RESULT OF THEIR CHOICES... 

AND IF THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO JUST BOUNCE....
THEY COULD HAVE JUST ACTED RIGHT.

Like they expected me to, right?!

Part of what bugged me is...
He said one thing and was one way with me...
IN THE BEGINNING. 

"WILD HORSES COULDN'T TEAR ME AWAY..."
SENT ME THAT SONG... 

SENT ME OTHER SONGS... 

BUT IT WAS ALL A FKN SHOW.

IT WAS A SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS A FKN GAME TO HIM. 
WASN'T A GAME TO ME. 

AND THE FAKE APOLOGIES?

"I WON'T TREAT YOU LIKE THAT ANYMORE..."|
YEAH? 

FK YOU forever for treating ME LIKE THAT.

So why would I? 
Why would I want to?

Why would I want to keep "being there"?

But it bugs me, too...
THAT THEY MISS WHAT'S GOOD ABOUT ME...
WHAT COULD HAVE JUST BEEN, 
BETWEEN US... 

IT WASN'T ME, THOUGH...
IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING ELSE.

THEY NEVER KNEW ME WELL ENOUGH TO MISS ME.
JUST THE THINGS I DID FOR THEM. 
OR SOMETHING I WAS OFFERING... 

But it's not ME they ever miss. 

AFTER THEY DO XYZ TO PUSH ME AWAY.
AFTER THEY SLAM THE DOOR IN THEIR FACE.

It bugs me because they realize too late
IF THEY EVER REALIZE AT ALL. 

THAT'S WHAT BUGS ME.

People can't PUSH me and expect me to 
JUST ALWAYS KEEP BEING THERE....

WHEN I'M NOT THERE, ANYMORE, 
BECAUSE OF THEIR FKN BS... 

THEN THEY WANT TO TURN AROUND?

WELL, YA CAN'T!
NOT LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.... 

ESPECIALLY WHEN A WHOLE LOT HAPPENED.... 

They want me to be the way I used to be... 
I've changed. 

When they realize being immature didn't get them anywhere...
Won't get them anywhere with me... 

Not into it, not with it... 

I never signed up for any of that bs. Why would I?

So yeah, I'm freaking tired. 

TIRED OF TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SO I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WASTE MY TIME?????!!!!!

I'm going to try to sleep soon.