When To Wait

When things show no sign of changing, that's when I get impatient.
I know things take time to change and people take time to change,
but when they show no signs of even wanting to change,
I start questioning why I keep waiting.

So I decided that I need to shift my focus.
Because I was too focused on what I wanted
and sometimes people want two different things.
Because their ideas are very different.

Security and certainty for instance...
Maybe they both mean something totally different to different people.
Maybe someone needs sincerity, honesty, openness...
Maybe someone needs healing, understanding, patience.

Maybe someone needs control over their situations.
Maybe someone needs control over how they interpret their situations.
Everyone is different so maybe they value different things.
It's okay, but sometimes people don't want to wait and keep waiting
when they feel like they aren't waiting for anything.
Like they need signs of hope here and there.
That things will progress and get better.
Even if it's going to take a while.
Things do take time.

For instance, my plant... It's been growing new leaves.
It hasn't been budding for a while, but it has 5 new buds on it.
I know it can grow flowers, but it wasn't,
but I kept watering it and talking to it. It surprised me. I like surprises.
I still had hope. I didn't give up on it.

I'm not really giving up on that, either.
I still have feelings, but it's been confusing.
It's also been painful because I've let it hurt.
I've let it affect me in that way.
But at the same time, I haven't been treating myself like that.
Maybe to some degree, but things could have gone so much better.
But they had to go this way. So we both could see.

So we could both see our own sides and the other side
and taking time to think about it.

I can't go in two different directions at the same time.
So I have to choose one and I had to choose the one that feels better.
Because thinking things... Doesn't feel good to me.
Wondering and being in the dark doesn't feel good to me. At all.
I don't have to get specific about the situation.
But I can be honest about how I feel about it.

I'm not angry, I'm sad. I'm disappointed.
I feel a bit better though like a sense of relief.
I've been waiting for a long time.
And now, I'm not waiting anymore.
Because I want to just deal with how I've been feeling about it.
I don't even want to let it influence how I feel anymore.
There were times I felt great, but other times I felt pretty low.
And I couldn't even talk about it until tonight.
I don't even know if I got my point across.
Maybe the point wasn't about getting my point across.
Maybe it was about being heard
and being able to just speak up, for once.

Maybe it was about not sweeping sh*t under the rug anymore.
Pretending like I was happy with that when I'm not.
But now it doesn't have to be painful or confusing.
It doesn't have to be anything.
Maybe it never was meant to be anything.

I have my areas to work on. Like I stated in my last few posts.
I don't know why I even think about this stuff anymore.
Like haven't I learned from past experiences?

There's something waiting for me.
Regardless of it involving anyone else.
I have to figure this out. What is the next degree?
Do I continue to go this way? Just because it feels somewhat better?
I resisted it while I was being resisted. I've been in limbo. Waiting.
Either way, I made a choice and it felt like the right one.
It's not like I left for good. I just stopped waiting.
I'm moving in another direction.