It's Showing Me Something

So these emotions that keep coming up are trying to show me something.
Also these thoughts that I keep thinking...
I think it points to my insecurity.
There are these desires that I keep having
that are only bringing me suffering. They always have.
I know this, yet I still want what I want.
Even though it's killing me on the inside.
Like pursuing someone who isn't pursuing me. Which is often the case.
Like if someone was interested, they'd tell me and show me.
Instead of leaving me hanging constantly, wondering.
Thinking if they really wanted me, there'd be no doubt about it.
I'd know it because they would let me know it.
And we'd just go forth instead of them holding back all the time.
I wouldn't meet ANY resistance there, if they wanted me.
If they even felt the same way,
but it's clear to me that they do not and that I'm wasting my time.
So no need to go where I am not wanted.
I've tried, I've made my attempts. No reciprocation. No point.

I guess the point being that I don't have to keep trying.
The point is if someone really wanted to be in my life,
they'd make the effort to be in my life.
Otherwise, they sure as hell can't blame me for not trying anymore.

If you want to be in someone's life, tell them! Show them!
Don't leave them wondering or guessing.
Don't leave things unsaid and undone.
Otherwise you will miss your chance.
People can only give so many chances.
And so many f*cks, right?

They don't want to bribe anyone to want to be in their lives.
I don't want to bribe anyone to be in my life.
I shouldn't. I shouldn't even think about that, either.
It's either they want to be or they do not. Their choice.
I can't make their choices for them.
No matter how much I wish they wanted me in their life.
The truth is they don't have to have me.
Someone else will want me.
And if they wait until someone else wants me, then it'll be too late.
Then it won't be my fault because I'm not going to wait forever
for someone to make up their mind and decided once and for all what they want.
I've already waited long enough.
I can be patient and be understanding,
but I'm not going to waste my time waiting for something
that's just not going to happen.
I already decided. A long time ago.

And the Universe... Although I'm tempted to be upset...
It's probably saying: "You can't have this because it's not right for you."
"If you let go of this, I can redirect you to something better."
And it is an exercise in trust.
It's either I trust the Universe and what is being planned for me
or I continue to think that I know what's best and what I want is what's right
when I so obviously don't know what's best
and what I want and have wanted for so long obviously isn't what's right.

There are reasons that I keep giving up on what I want.
But a part of me still f*cking wants it
and keeps holding onto dreams that will not f*cking come true.
Like dreaming people will wake the f*ck up and SEE ME.
No matter how many times I wave my arms in front of their faces
they just look right past me like everything else is so much more...
I don't even know how to even finish that sentence...

It's not like I think I'm so important or special or whatever,
but I've felt like NOTHING for so long that I don't want to see myself
as NOTHING anymore. I'm something. I have some worth.
Whether others see it or don't, that's not my f*cking problem.
It's totally their problem. I have other stuff to think about.
Especially over the next four months.

It's showing me that the effort I'm putting into trying to be recognized,
or wanting to be apppreciated, or having my feelings returned,
or whatever the f*ck I think I want, but don't actually need...
If I put that effort into supporting myself, in all ways...
I could set myself up for something so much better than
whatever the f*ck I think I want right now.
Because the right guy wouldn't ignore me.
Wouldn't just jump into the conversation at the times it suits him.
To get something he wants from me.
He'd be there because he wants to be there. WITH ME.

But the Universe is saying: "Screw this guy! There's someone for you!
When you walk away, you'll find someone new, someone better. You'll see!"

I get that some guys have a hard time expressing how they feel
so they just don't express it. I get that.
But they could at least try.
Certain chances they get do not and will not last forever!