Not ready to sleep yet, but unsure of what to write about.
I can get on a roll pretty easily, because my thoughts start flowing
as soon as I start writing. It's weird how that works, but at least it works.
I'm going back to the kitchen tomorrow. Haven't been in a couple of weeks.
It will be good to be back there, but I have to remember to ask about the program.
It's a cooking course and they teach everything. Even all the different cuts, etc.
Basically, it's like chef training. I hope they are patient
because I really lack the skills to even really get that far haha.
Which is why I want to take the course. I have to learn somehow.
B**** took it and he told me that if he can, that I can.
They offered him a chef position, but he had to go back to the pit temporarily.
With the chef training, those who pass the course can work at restaurants.
I can't see myself working in a restaurant. But they are still good skills to learn.
If only just to learn them and have them.
So I want to sign up for it and if it is already full, I can wait until next time.
This won't be the last course, it'll start again.
Also, there's some other stuff coming up soon.
Come to think of it, I think I missed some. I completely forgot!
This is what I mean by forgetting things. So wrapped up in thoughts
and other stuff, and the rest of this holiday crap. So glad it is over!
Been worrying about this trip, how to make it viable.
Thinking a lot about that and other things.
Just a lot happening at the same time.
Perhaps I can reschedule or sign up again. We'll see.
I know that "I forgot!" Seems like a lame excuse,
but when you actually forget...
Although it is supposed to be my job to remember things like this.
I really do not like forgetting things. It drives me crazy.
Anyway, there's going to be a lot of stuff going on.
It already started before the year ended. Things happening rapidly.
It's a big change of pace and thinking about all of it...
Plus whatever else comes up from time to time...
I'm feeling pretty anxious tonight, not in a bad way,
but in a "you're not getting much sleep tonight" kind of way.
My heart is bothering me tonight and it's hard to breathe, too.
I did eat today. I eat every day, just not a lot.
I ate a bit more today. I made a bean salad and had some rice.
That is in addition to what I ate earlier.
I think it's because I drank some tea pretty late,
I probably could have done without that, but too late now.
Sometimes I don't know what has more of an affect on me, tea or coffee.
I think tea does, actually. The stronger it is, especially.
I feel weird right now, and it's not just the tea. It's uncertainty stuff.
General anxiety about the unknown. Because this year just started.
There's a lot on my mind and it's just spinning...
There's this section about worrying.
How people can worry about worrying.
How people can become addicted to worrying obsessively.
Because it somehow "gets the credit for preventing the danger it obsesses about."
When I think things that we worry about constantly have a higher chance
of happening because that's what we've been focused on.
I'm not really worried about anything in particular,
or really worried at all. I just feel weird because I don't know
what's going to happen. I feel like this a lot
because I never know what's going to happen.
Which is why having plans is important to me.
Like I said, plans change, but knowing that something is supposed to happen
gives me something to look forward to and it feels better
than not knowing, even though I know plans don't always go as planned.
It just feels better knowing that something is supposed to happen.
It's like assurance that that thing will happen, but it often doesn't.
It's like having a little certainty. It helps. It feels better.
The thing about cycles is that we have to get out ahead of it,
before it starts, but we aren't usually prepared for them to start.
And telling someone to just stop doing something they do habitually
isn't going to make them just stop. It doesn't.
But if we can't get out ahead of it, catching it as close to the beginning as posible
is the ticket to breaking the cycling and prevent getting caught in it.
It's about learning to catch it earlier and earlier and earlier.
And recognize when it is happening
so that we give ourselves a choice to continue or change it up.
Sometimes we can change it up for a while and end up going back to it.
I find myself doing that. Being able to get out, but something pulls me back in.
And the second part is having a strategy in place for when you recognize it.
So we can use it when we need it the most.
I have a few strategies with my thoughts and stuff, I just haven't been able to
use them when I've needed them.
Maybe because I need to remind myself that I have them.
And that I have an option to use them, but it hasn't become a habit, yet.
I have to train myself TO train myself and I'm having a hard time with this.
Because it's not something I've done before.
I've tried to do it a few times, but I really struggled with it.
This year is just an opportunity to try again.
Maybe I'll even make some progress.
I can get on a roll pretty easily, because my thoughts start flowing
as soon as I start writing. It's weird how that works, but at least it works.
I'm going back to the kitchen tomorrow. Haven't been in a couple of weeks.
It will be good to be back there, but I have to remember to ask about the program.
It's a cooking course and they teach everything. Even all the different cuts, etc.
Basically, it's like chef training. I hope they are patient
because I really lack the skills to even really get that far haha.
Which is why I want to take the course. I have to learn somehow.
B**** took it and he told me that if he can, that I can.
They offered him a chef position, but he had to go back to the pit temporarily.
With the chef training, those who pass the course can work at restaurants.
I can't see myself working in a restaurant. But they are still good skills to learn.
If only just to learn them and have them.
So I want to sign up for it and if it is already full, I can wait until next time.
This won't be the last course, it'll start again.
Also, there's some other stuff coming up soon.
Come to think of it, I think I missed some. I completely forgot!
This is what I mean by forgetting things. So wrapped up in thoughts
and other stuff, and the rest of this holiday crap. So glad it is over!
Been worrying about this trip, how to make it viable.
Thinking a lot about that and other things.
Just a lot happening at the same time.
Perhaps I can reschedule or sign up again. We'll see.
I know that "I forgot!" Seems like a lame excuse,
but when you actually forget...
Although it is supposed to be my job to remember things like this.
I really do not like forgetting things. It drives me crazy.
Anyway, there's going to be a lot of stuff going on.
It already started before the year ended. Things happening rapidly.
It's a big change of pace and thinking about all of it...
Plus whatever else comes up from time to time...
I'm feeling pretty anxious tonight, not in a bad way,
but in a "you're not getting much sleep tonight" kind of way.
My heart is bothering me tonight and it's hard to breathe, too.
I did eat today. I eat every day, just not a lot.
I ate a bit more today. I made a bean salad and had some rice.
That is in addition to what I ate earlier.
I think it's because I drank some tea pretty late,
I probably could have done without that, but too late now.
Sometimes I don't know what has more of an affect on me, tea or coffee.
I think tea does, actually. The stronger it is, especially.
I feel weird right now, and it's not just the tea. It's uncertainty stuff.
General anxiety about the unknown. Because this year just started.
There's a lot on my mind and it's just spinning...
There's this section about worrying.
How people can worry about worrying.
How people can become addicted to worrying obsessively.
Because it somehow "gets the credit for preventing the danger it obsesses about."
When I think things that we worry about constantly have a higher chance
of happening because that's what we've been focused on.
I'm not really worried about anything in particular,
or really worried at all. I just feel weird because I don't know
what's going to happen. I feel like this a lot
because I never know what's going to happen.
Which is why having plans is important to me.
Like I said, plans change, but knowing that something is supposed to happen
gives me something to look forward to and it feels better
than not knowing, even though I know plans don't always go as planned.
It just feels better knowing that something is supposed to happen.
It's like assurance that that thing will happen, but it often doesn't.
It's like having a little certainty. It helps. It feels better.
The thing about cycles is that we have to get out ahead of it,
before it starts, but we aren't usually prepared for them to start.
And telling someone to just stop doing something they do habitually
isn't going to make them just stop. It doesn't.
But if we can't get out ahead of it, catching it as close to the beginning as posible
is the ticket to breaking the cycling and prevent getting caught in it.
It's about learning to catch it earlier and earlier and earlier.
And recognize when it is happening
so that we give ourselves a choice to continue or change it up.
Sometimes we can change it up for a while and end up going back to it.
I find myself doing that. Being able to get out, but something pulls me back in.
And the second part is having a strategy in place for when you recognize it.
So we can use it when we need it the most.
I have a few strategies with my thoughts and stuff, I just haven't been able to
use them when I've needed them.
Maybe because I need to remind myself that I have them.
And that I have an option to use them, but it hasn't become a habit, yet.
I have to train myself TO train myself and I'm having a hard time with this.
Because it's not something I've done before.
I've tried to do it a few times, but I really struggled with it.
This year is just an opportunity to try again.
Maybe I'll even make some progress.
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