Interesting Times

It can be really hard to change your trajectory. It has been for me.
I let things affect me that never had to affect me.
But I didn't realize that those things didn't have to affect me.

I had a few of those this week. Where I felt less than whole.
Where I felt less than valued or valuable.
It can be hard not to take certain things personally,
and be unaffected by those things.
I was really tempted to have emotional reactions to those things.
I did get caught up in that for a bit, but I know that I can't
take those things to heart. If I did, it would be me letting those things hurt me.
They are just observations. That's all they are. Just experiences.
The only time they affect us is if we let them.
If we look at them a certain way.
I was tempted to look at them that way, and at first I did.
I was slightly offended when I could look at it like no offense was meant.
I don't have to take everything to heart. It'd break a thousand ways each day.

Anyway, it's about changing your mind about it.
It helps you change your trajectory. Because it helps you change your perception.
Been thinking about certain things. About being open to possibilities.
Been closing myself off so much because I'm scared.
Scared of the pain because nobody wants that. They don't. I don't.
But if I don't open up, even a little bit, I won't be able to feel better.

I have been feeling pretty good, since I got back. I really needed that trip.
There's something about being there that is really soulful.
I don't know how else to describe it. I love it. I really needed it.

This week is going well. I have some catering stuff to do on Saturday,
but I get Monday off and it will be good. I just have to make sure
that everything is going according to how it is supposed to go.
Like being on time, not forgetting to put my knife away,
being where I'm supposed to be and pushing through as best as I can,
and doing everything as best as I can.

I had to sit down today. I was feeling faint. I'm seeing my doctor on Friday,
but I don't expect it to go well since she has been less than helpful.
It's been super frustrating getting anything I need from her.
I need tests and referals. I still need the results from tests I already had.
Seems easy to get those, but it's not. Not with her.
It's like things are so damn hard for some reason.

I know it's not about all that stuff out there. Finally,
but it is hard to shift my focus sometimes.
All that stuff is a reflection of what's going on inside, too.
It's not all external, it's a lot of internal stuff.

There's more I want to write about, but I have to go to bed.