Free Your Mind

There's a song that goes.... Free your mind and the rest will follow!
Free from doubt. I was thinking about stuff yesterday...
About how I doubt myself so much and that doubt stops me
from doing the best I can because it affects my thinking.
And it's from not having enough faith in myself and my existing abilities.
A friend of mine told me that he believes in me. Was a first.

I decided to redirect my mind off the stuff I was thinking about today,
so that I can just feel better over all.
Been thinking about using my imagination to imagine things turning out.
So that I can use that to base my feelings off.
"How does it feel to achieve (whatever)?"
"How does it feel to get x y z done?"
"How does it feel to just be happy?"

I would have had to wake up in an hour. So I didn't sleep.
I just have to be very careful in the kitchen today
and really pay attention as best as I can.
I'll only be there for 4 hours and they will go by fast
as long as I'm busy and I will be. I'll just do as I am told.
I think they are more concerned about me being on time.
And as long as I don't do anything really off the wall,
I don't think they'll have a problem with me.
I'll be there with D*****. She's nice and she likes me. I like her, too.
I think she will put in a good word for me.
I have to be on time, that is literally half the battle.
And just doing whatever I need to do while I am there.
I'm happy that I got this chance, this opportunity.

I saw myself in the kitchen boiling a pot of water.
When I was meditating, and it was a nudge to go and do this.

The last thing I saw when I was meditating was a cave,
diving underwater, finding a treasure chest,
but also finding a shark that got in there somehow.
The shark is representing my resistance, my fear etc.
The cave... I think it is my mind.
The treasure chest was full of coins. Gold and silver coins.

The more tired I am, the less resistance I seem to have. Weird.
Like I already feel so much better than I did an hour or so ago.
I hope I won't have any issues getting there today
because it snowed a lot tonight. I hear the plows and traffic starting.
It's going to be great! That's the attitude I want to have today.
Why not? I will definitely feel so much better afterward.
Hopefully I will get to eat when I am there.
I did get to eat today, something, but I know I will be hungry again.

I really have to be careful this month, but I'll make it through.

When I went to my friend's place, we made some food.
We couldn't decide what food to make
so he said I'll throw both boxes to you and whichever one you catch
or try to catch will be the one we make.
So we did that and it was a fair choice. We decided that way.
We didn't know which one I'd catch or try to catch.
I didn't actually catch it, but it ended up being alright.

So we'll see what happens. I'm not worried anymore. I was,
but I don't want to attract the things I'm worried about.
I'd rather just let what has to happen just happen.
I can sell a few things if I really need to.
I don't need everything I have. I can let stuff go.
Not that I have a lot that most people would buy,
but there are a few things.
The most valuable things I have are too sentimental to sell.

I pulled a card from one of my boxes. I bought a couple sets for my birthday
a couple of years ago. I had wanted them for a long time.
It was about "now," the card... It says:

"Now is the closest approximation of eternity that this world has to offer.
It is in the reality of "now," without past or future,
that the beginning of the appreciation of eternity lies."

I don't have to think too far into the future.
Every day comes a day at a time. The future gets here a day at a time.

I feel better now though. A lot better. Really tired, but feeling better.
I think today will feel and seem like a dream
because I'm used to having a dream and haven't had one, yet
because I haven't slept yet.

The thing is... When I'm really tired, I have really crazy dreams.
Very vivid, as vivid as they already are...
I really wish I had slept though. This is crazy to do with no sleep.
Like my first shift as an assistant chef and I'm sleep deprived... Mistake!
It'll work out though and I'm looking forward to see what we are doing today.
I think I'll be doing prep work, nothing major.
Possibly serving, working the line. Not sure yet.
I just have to go in there with a 'can do' attitude and be on time.
I have a mind to leave early, just in case.
Because it's going to be slow getting there with all the snow.

Then I gotta send my resume, also. I forgot to do that last night.

The quote for yesterday is:
"If you keep doing what you've always done,
you'll keep getting what you've always gotten."

This is the kind of change that could change my life.
It'll be like going back to school for me. It kind of is.
They do use text books and everything. We'll use the chapel as a classroom.
That's what I was told. I haven't been in the chapel before.
That's where my friends probably had their funerals, but I missed them.
I didn't know they had died. Until much later.
I got off the streets and didn't go back very often after that.
They wanted that for me, to get off the streets and to stay in school.
I wish I had listened and got into computers when they told me to.
I am, now, but many years later. Not too late, I guess.
I'd say that I wish I had started much sooner but
there's not much sense in wishing for something like that.
Can't change what I did or didn't do in the past.
But I can work on changing how I feel about it.