I don't really know how to describe it.
It usually follows a chill that I get. A shiver.
It's a sensation. I feel it all through my body.
Not really a numbness, a tingling feeling.
I feel it in my legs, in my feet, all through my body.
I wish I could feel that all the time, but it's rare. It feels nice.
It's nice to know that I can feel that way.
I'm in the middle of a 'coffee crash.' Went and had a coffee today.
Coffee buzz is nice, but then I crash and it makes me feel all jittery and sick.
It's weird. I know I shouldn't consume caffeine, but I still do it.
I don't consume it as much as I used to, though.
I used to drink tea daily, but not as much anymore.
I try not to drink coffee very often, it's more a social thing
and a winter thing. Other than that, I try to stay away.
So I met up with that guy today.
First of all, he's too young for me. Secondly, I'm not interested.
We can hang out as friends, but that is as far as it goes.
He was telling me he's suing some guy who hit him with his truck
when he was crossing the road. He ended up on the ground
and the truck broke his wheelchair. So he is getting an x-ray this week.
Said it was his first time suing anyone. I never have.
He had to get his wheelchair fixed. Salt gets into the wheels.
The mechanic didn't bring the bearings for the wheels
and just sprayed them with WD-40. Which cost $50! That's nuts.
Then he was talking to a guy he knew who was telling us some stories.
About frostbite and about some monk who burned himself to death.
The guy swore a lot. Not that I haven't heard it all before.
Just an observation. They are both from Lebanon.
Not that they swear a lot, just a fact is all.
Anyway, about this sensation thing. I rarely feel it around others.
When I feel it, I'm usually by myself.
And it's when I have released all resistance.
But I haven't been able to just switch it on when I want to.
It just comes over me after a shiver and lasts maybe a few minutes.
We gotta reach for certain feelings by moving towards them.
With our thoughts. Continually thinking thoughts
that move us towards certain feelings. Like satisfaction.
And yes, it can be hard to feel satisfied when we're not used to it.
So we look for satisfaction in having thing
that we think will bring us satisfaction
then wonder why they haven't brought it to us.
Because it doesn't work that way.
We can be satisfied without having anything, or getting anything.
It's not about 'things' it's just about reaching for that feeling,
knowing how it actually feels and just reaching for it.
And practicing reaching for it so that it becomes easier to
actually reach it. Without having to try so hard to get there.
I think the sensation is sensing the vibration.
Like a higher vibration that I'm not used to feeling, or sensing.
I also feel it when the wind is blowing. It's kind of funny, but it's true.
When I'm outside and a gust of wind comes, I feel it.
Almost like it's blowing through me and waking up something inside me.
That's the only way I can describe it.
But that's when I'm not resisting it. I let it in.
Otherwise wind will just feel like wind,
and rain will just feel like rain. Etc.
And shivers will just feel like shivers.
But I know there's more to it than this...
It's just hard to explain it and describe it
because I don't understand all of it, yet.
I'm still new to experiencing IT.
And I don't feel IT all the time. Just the odd time.
It's about practicing it, reaching for it, finding it, realizing it.
It's also about allowing it, not resisting it.
And we're in resistance most of the time. If not all the time.
Because we're used to being dissatisfied. Even digusted.
We're used to certain feelings that we practice every day.
Which are the opposite of how we actually want to feel.
It's about being aware how we feel and why.
So that we can use those reasons to get out of it.
Yes, we base our feelings off having reasons to feel that way.
Using reasons to feel happy, like conduits.
Which makes our happiness conditional. Which it doesn't have to be.
But we've practiced that. So that is what we know and what we do.
Until we STOP doing it.
We STOP it by STARTING something else.
Like to stop drinking, I had to start other things.
To take my mind of wanting alcohol.
Until I realized that I didn't need it anymore.
Until I realized I was using the state of drunkeness
as a path of least resistance when it really wasn't.
Because the frame of mind I got into wasn't moving me closer
to how I actually wanted to feel.
I couldn't think clearly. So I wasn't thinking clearly.
At times, it is still hard to think clearly,
but only because I'm still trying to get used to clarity, sobriety,
my newness, my new life, my new state.
But I'm still in a state of transitioning.
I'm not fully in this new state, only partially, at times.
But I had to go through so much bullsh*t to get to this.
Through so much of my own bullsh*t. I'm still going through it.
Learning how not to get pulled into other people's bullsh*t
by being affected by it. Which is hard.
Because we all have these automatic reactions, constantly.
Which is fine. It's not the end of the world,
but it just pushes us further from where we actually want to be,
and actually want to get to. Even closer to.
Like how people tell me things that bother them
to try to get a reaction from me that is close to theirs
for some sort of validation or something.
It's not that I don't care how they feel.
It's that I do not have to feel the same way that they do.
So it kind of pisses them off and they think I don't care.
Which is fine. They can think whatever they want to.
Because they don't understand that I don't want to share their misery.
I don't want to join them at the vibration they are at
when they are thinking and feeling along the lines that they are.
And I can't just say to them: "You don't have to react to that."
Or "You don't have to have an opinion about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your opinion about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your thoughts about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your feelings about that."
Because 1) They are not used to hearing that from anyone.
2) They don't understand because they haven't come to that realization, yet.
3) Who am I to wake them up from their habitual patterns?
People tend to get pissed off when you try to wake them up.
When they are not ready to wake up.
When they want to be asleep. I know this. I've been there.
It goes for more than actual sleep, though.
It goes for awareness, too.
We can't force people into awareness or jolt them into it.
They need to be ready for it. And I'll tell you something...
It usually clashes so much to what they currently believe,
that they'll resist it with everything in them.
Also, it'll shock them to their core
and people usually want to protect themselves
from the 'painful' truth. That it never was the way they thought it was.
It never was the way they wanted to believe it was.
Or the way they were taught that it was.
But society wants that from us, wants us to believe in that stuff.
Because that's what holds it together and has held it together
just the way it has been for all this time.
The more we 'see' (realize) the less power it has over us.
We stop caring so much about things that ultimately have little value.
All those things that have no place in the biggest picture of all.
But in all honesty, they actually do fit in there, stepping stones.
They allow us to reach the next level.
Because when we see it all for what it really is,
we see it for all it has ever been
and all it ever will be. All at the same time.
And that is when we know that we are free of it.
The thing is that it's so hard to see it for what it really is
because we keep looking at it the way we have been taught to.
The way most people keep looking at it.
So we get pulled into that. Because others want as much validation as we do.
But when we stop looking for that, we get it in a better way.
A more solid kind of validation.
That we don't have to look to anyone for or anything for.
It just comes directly from how we feel,
from our own vibration. Because it's higher than it has ever been.
That's all the validation we actually need.
Not from feeling 'worthy' just because someone 'makes' us feel 'worthy.'
But feeling 'worthy' just from that feeling of satisafaction
that takes us by surprise again and again and again
until it's no longer a surprise.
Until it's no longer unexpected. It just becomes the natural state.
It usually follows a chill that I get. A shiver.
It's a sensation. I feel it all through my body.
Not really a numbness, a tingling feeling.
I feel it in my legs, in my feet, all through my body.
I wish I could feel that all the time, but it's rare. It feels nice.
It's nice to know that I can feel that way.
I'm in the middle of a 'coffee crash.' Went and had a coffee today.
Coffee buzz is nice, but then I crash and it makes me feel all jittery and sick.
It's weird. I know I shouldn't consume caffeine, but I still do it.
I don't consume it as much as I used to, though.
I used to drink tea daily, but not as much anymore.
I try not to drink coffee very often, it's more a social thing
and a winter thing. Other than that, I try to stay away.
So I met up with that guy today.
First of all, he's too young for me. Secondly, I'm not interested.
We can hang out as friends, but that is as far as it goes.
He was telling me he's suing some guy who hit him with his truck
when he was crossing the road. He ended up on the ground
and the truck broke his wheelchair. So he is getting an x-ray this week.
Said it was his first time suing anyone. I never have.
He had to get his wheelchair fixed. Salt gets into the wheels.
The mechanic didn't bring the bearings for the wheels
and just sprayed them with WD-40. Which cost $50! That's nuts.
Then he was talking to a guy he knew who was telling us some stories.
About frostbite and about some monk who burned himself to death.
The guy swore a lot. Not that I haven't heard it all before.
Just an observation. They are both from Lebanon.
Not that they swear a lot, just a fact is all.
Anyway, about this sensation thing. I rarely feel it around others.
When I feel it, I'm usually by myself.
And it's when I have released all resistance.
But I haven't been able to just switch it on when I want to.
It just comes over me after a shiver and lasts maybe a few minutes.
We gotta reach for certain feelings by moving towards them.
With our thoughts. Continually thinking thoughts
that move us towards certain feelings. Like satisfaction.
And yes, it can be hard to feel satisfied when we're not used to it.
So we look for satisfaction in having thing
that we think will bring us satisfaction
then wonder why they haven't brought it to us.
Because it doesn't work that way.
We can be satisfied without having anything, or getting anything.
It's not about 'things' it's just about reaching for that feeling,
knowing how it actually feels and just reaching for it.
And practicing reaching for it so that it becomes easier to
actually reach it. Without having to try so hard to get there.
I think the sensation is sensing the vibration.
Like a higher vibration that I'm not used to feeling, or sensing.
I also feel it when the wind is blowing. It's kind of funny, but it's true.
When I'm outside and a gust of wind comes, I feel it.
Almost like it's blowing through me and waking up something inside me.
That's the only way I can describe it.
But that's when I'm not resisting it. I let it in.
Otherwise wind will just feel like wind,
and rain will just feel like rain. Etc.
And shivers will just feel like shivers.
But I know there's more to it than this...
It's just hard to explain it and describe it
because I don't understand all of it, yet.
I'm still new to experiencing IT.
And I don't feel IT all the time. Just the odd time.
It's about practicing it, reaching for it, finding it, realizing it.
It's also about allowing it, not resisting it.
And we're in resistance most of the time. If not all the time.
Because we're used to being dissatisfied. Even digusted.
We're used to certain feelings that we practice every day.
Which are the opposite of how we actually want to feel.
It's about being aware how we feel and why.
So that we can use those reasons to get out of it.
Yes, we base our feelings off having reasons to feel that way.
Using reasons to feel happy, like conduits.
Which makes our happiness conditional. Which it doesn't have to be.
But we've practiced that. So that is what we know and what we do.
Until we STOP doing it.
We STOP it by STARTING something else.
Like to stop drinking, I had to start other things.
To take my mind of wanting alcohol.
Until I realized that I didn't need it anymore.
Until I realized I was using the state of drunkeness
as a path of least resistance when it really wasn't.
Because the frame of mind I got into wasn't moving me closer
to how I actually wanted to feel.
I couldn't think clearly. So I wasn't thinking clearly.
At times, it is still hard to think clearly,
but only because I'm still trying to get used to clarity, sobriety,
my newness, my new life, my new state.
But I'm still in a state of transitioning.
I'm not fully in this new state, only partially, at times.
But I had to go through so much bullsh*t to get to this.
Through so much of my own bullsh*t. I'm still going through it.
Learning how not to get pulled into other people's bullsh*t
by being affected by it. Which is hard.
Because we all have these automatic reactions, constantly.
Which is fine. It's not the end of the world,
but it just pushes us further from where we actually want to be,
and actually want to get to. Even closer to.
Like how people tell me things that bother them
to try to get a reaction from me that is close to theirs
for some sort of validation or something.
It's not that I don't care how they feel.
It's that I do not have to feel the same way that they do.
So it kind of pisses them off and they think I don't care.
Which is fine. They can think whatever they want to.
Because they don't understand that I don't want to share their misery.
I don't want to join them at the vibration they are at
when they are thinking and feeling along the lines that they are.
And I can't just say to them: "You don't have to react to that."
Or "You don't have to have an opinion about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your opinion about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your thoughts about that."
Or "You don't have to react to your feelings about that."
Because 1) They are not used to hearing that from anyone.
2) They don't understand because they haven't come to that realization, yet.
3) Who am I to wake them up from their habitual patterns?
People tend to get pissed off when you try to wake them up.
When they are not ready to wake up.
When they want to be asleep. I know this. I've been there.
It goes for more than actual sleep, though.
It goes for awareness, too.
We can't force people into awareness or jolt them into it.
They need to be ready for it. And I'll tell you something...
It usually clashes so much to what they currently believe,
that they'll resist it with everything in them.
Also, it'll shock them to their core
and people usually want to protect themselves
from the 'painful' truth. That it never was the way they thought it was.
It never was the way they wanted to believe it was.
Or the way they were taught that it was.
But society wants that from us, wants us to believe in that stuff.
Because that's what holds it together and has held it together
just the way it has been for all this time.
The more we 'see' (realize) the less power it has over us.
We stop caring so much about things that ultimately have little value.
All those things that have no place in the biggest picture of all.
But in all honesty, they actually do fit in there, stepping stones.
They allow us to reach the next level.
Because when we see it all for what it really is,
we see it for all it has ever been
and all it ever will be. All at the same time.
And that is when we know that we are free of it.
The thing is that it's so hard to see it for what it really is
because we keep looking at it the way we have been taught to.
The way most people keep looking at it.
So we get pulled into that. Because others want as much validation as we do.
But when we stop looking for that, we get it in a better way.
A more solid kind of validation.
That we don't have to look to anyone for or anything for.
It just comes directly from how we feel,
from our own vibration. Because it's higher than it has ever been.
That's all the validation we actually need.
Not from feeling 'worthy' just because someone 'makes' us feel 'worthy.'
But feeling 'worthy' just from that feeling of satisafaction
that takes us by surprise again and again and again
until it's no longer a surprise.
Until it's no longer unexpected. It just becomes the natural state.
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