Thinking about some things tonight. Drives me crazy.
Because I want things a certain way that they are not.
And it looks like they won't be that way.
But... At the same time... It's for a reason.
Because there's another plan and it has nothing to do with
what I think I want right now.
Because maybe what I want isn't going to make me happy.
Well, obviously things aren't going to 'make' me happy.
No conditions... It would be a conditional happiness and it doesn't last.
It would only last as long as the conditions were 'optimum'
and things change. All the time. For lots of reasons.
People change, too.
Hopefully for the better, but not always.
I was supposed to be studying tonight, but I started doing other things.
I have tomorrow morning to study, though.
I should have studied tonight, but I didn't.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself,
too in my head about a certain situation that I need to just drop.
Because it's getting to me, it really is.
And I'm having a hard time understanding why things are like this.
It's just screwing with my head, and with my heart.
And this is why I didn't want to go down this path again.
I've barely even gone down it, either.
And I already feel like crap. So why bother?
But I'm putting conditions on how I feel about it.
Like if the conditions were better, I'd feel better.
If I knew what was going on, I'd feel better.
I don't do well with being left in the dark. At all. It bothers me. A lot.
Even though I have so many other things to think about. So many!
I'm just distracted, very distracted.
But I'm letting myself be distracted. I'm letting it get to me.
I don't have to be. It doesn't have to. I know this.
Overall, it's been alright tonight. I had some fun.
But now I have to unwind and try to go to bed.
Because tomorrow is a busy day and it is important.
I want to do well. I really want to do well, but I'm scared
that I'll screw up. I'm scared that I'm going to make huge mistakes.
I'm scared that I'll fail. I'm scared I'll get kicked out.
There are a lot of things that I'm scared of.
But... I don't want to magnify any of it.
So I try not to pay attention to it much.
I try to think about things working out.
I try to think about things getting better and better.
About getting better and better, growing, evolving, changing for the better.
I'm trying really hard not to let my emotions get the better of me.
Or get the best of me. It's hard. Really hard.
And trying not to let them depend on things that I can't change.
I can only change the way I look at it.
Which will help me see it differently.
It should feel good that certain things are beyond my control
because often they would be too much to control.
The things that are within my control are hard enough to control.
Without some other stuff thrown into the mix.
Letting go is one thing, but allowing whatever that's going to happen
to just happen however it is supposed to happen is something else.
It's fine, whatever that has to happen can happen.
It totally has my permission, even if it's something different from what I want.
I'm okay with that. Even if it bothers me a bit.
Maybe it is supposed to bother me.
Maybe it's a test to see if I'm really okay with it
or if I'm really struggling to accept it.
Because, yes, I have been struggling with this.
For a really long time.
Maybe something better can happen. Something I'm not seeing
because I keep looking at this one things.
Not seeing the valley for the forest
is different from not seeing the forest for the trees.
There was something about how we have to work hard
to get our thinking clean enough to make things simple.
A quote from Steve Jobs.
I've been experimenting with thoughts lately.
Saying "Isn't it nice that...."
Then I fill it in with whatever I want to see in my life.
I also look for things that are already in my life
and fill in the blank with those, too.
Been generalizing with things
instead of going too specific in one direction
which I am prone to do. Too often.
So I look at things I'm thankful for.
Then I focus on those for a while to pull the energy away from some stuff.
"I'm thankful for pleasant surprises."
"I'm thankful for new opportunities."
All kinds of things to be thankful for. The list is too big to add here.
Things have to go the way they are going
because otherwise they would be going some other way.
And most of it, if not all of it is to teach us certain lessons.
Mostly about ourselves.
And how we can better relate to the world, to others,
to everything. Even to the Universe.
"Let the world unfold without always trying to figure it out."
"When expectations are shattered, practice allowing it
to be the way it is. Exactly the way it is."
"Recognize that some of your desires are about
how you think your world 'should' be."
"Nothing in the Universe is what it is named
and nothing is as we think it 'should' be."
Here's the thing... About the things that bother us.
There are reasons they bother us,
but we don't look at those reasons.
We just look at the thing that is bothering us.
When we understand the reasons.
It seems to bother us less. It's usually about our opinions about it.
Than the actual things. Things are just things.
I just have a feeling in my gut that I don't like.
That something is about to happen.
That I'm going to really get in trouble soon.
I don't like the feeling I'm getting.
Sometimes I get those.
But 40% of the things we worry about don't happen.
So is it among the 40% or is it among the 60%?
"Accept whatever comes."
Because I want things a certain way that they are not.
And it looks like they won't be that way.
But... At the same time... It's for a reason.
Because there's another plan and it has nothing to do with
what I think I want right now.
Because maybe what I want isn't going to make me happy.
Well, obviously things aren't going to 'make' me happy.
No conditions... It would be a conditional happiness and it doesn't last.
It would only last as long as the conditions were 'optimum'
and things change. All the time. For lots of reasons.
People change, too.
Hopefully for the better, but not always.
I was supposed to be studying tonight, but I started doing other things.
I have tomorrow morning to study, though.
I should have studied tonight, but I didn't.
I wasn't feeling very good about myself,
too in my head about a certain situation that I need to just drop.
Because it's getting to me, it really is.
And I'm having a hard time understanding why things are like this.
It's just screwing with my head, and with my heart.
And this is why I didn't want to go down this path again.
I've barely even gone down it, either.
And I already feel like crap. So why bother?
But I'm putting conditions on how I feel about it.
Like if the conditions were better, I'd feel better.
If I knew what was going on, I'd feel better.
I don't do well with being left in the dark. At all. It bothers me. A lot.
Even though I have so many other things to think about. So many!
I'm just distracted, very distracted.
But I'm letting myself be distracted. I'm letting it get to me.
I don't have to be. It doesn't have to. I know this.
Overall, it's been alright tonight. I had some fun.
But now I have to unwind and try to go to bed.
Because tomorrow is a busy day and it is important.
I want to do well. I really want to do well, but I'm scared
that I'll screw up. I'm scared that I'm going to make huge mistakes.
I'm scared that I'll fail. I'm scared I'll get kicked out.
There are a lot of things that I'm scared of.
But... I don't want to magnify any of it.
So I try not to pay attention to it much.
I try to think about things working out.
I try to think about things getting better and better.
About getting better and better, growing, evolving, changing for the better.
I'm trying really hard not to let my emotions get the better of me.
Or get the best of me. It's hard. Really hard.
And trying not to let them depend on things that I can't change.
I can only change the way I look at it.
Which will help me see it differently.
It should feel good that certain things are beyond my control
because often they would be too much to control.
The things that are within my control are hard enough to control.
Without some other stuff thrown into the mix.
Letting go is one thing, but allowing whatever that's going to happen
to just happen however it is supposed to happen is something else.
It's fine, whatever that has to happen can happen.
It totally has my permission, even if it's something different from what I want.
I'm okay with that. Even if it bothers me a bit.
Maybe it is supposed to bother me.
Maybe it's a test to see if I'm really okay with it
or if I'm really struggling to accept it.
Because, yes, I have been struggling with this.
For a really long time.
Maybe something better can happen. Something I'm not seeing
because I keep looking at this one things.
Not seeing the valley for the forest
is different from not seeing the forest for the trees.
There was something about how we have to work hard
to get our thinking clean enough to make things simple.
A quote from Steve Jobs.
I've been experimenting with thoughts lately.
Saying "Isn't it nice that...."
Then I fill it in with whatever I want to see in my life.
I also look for things that are already in my life
and fill in the blank with those, too.
Been generalizing with things
instead of going too specific in one direction
which I am prone to do. Too often.
So I look at things I'm thankful for.
Then I focus on those for a while to pull the energy away from some stuff.
"I'm thankful for pleasant surprises."
"I'm thankful for new opportunities."
All kinds of things to be thankful for. The list is too big to add here.
Things have to go the way they are going
because otherwise they would be going some other way.
And most of it, if not all of it is to teach us certain lessons.
Mostly about ourselves.
And how we can better relate to the world, to others,
to everything. Even to the Universe.
"Let the world unfold without always trying to figure it out."
"When expectations are shattered, practice allowing it
to be the way it is. Exactly the way it is."
"Recognize that some of your desires are about
how you think your world 'should' be."
"Nothing in the Universe is what it is named
and nothing is as we think it 'should' be."
Here's the thing... About the things that bother us.
There are reasons they bother us,
but we don't look at those reasons.
We just look at the thing that is bothering us.
When we understand the reasons.
It seems to bother us less. It's usually about our opinions about it.
Than the actual things. Things are just things.
I just have a feeling in my gut that I don't like.
That something is about to happen.
That I'm going to really get in trouble soon.
I don't like the feeling I'm getting.
Sometimes I get those.
But 40% of the things we worry about don't happen.
So is it among the 40% or is it among the 60%?
"Accept whatever comes."
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