The more I reflect, the more I realize.
I feel like I'm hitting a huge growth spurt. It actually feels good.
Most of my growth spurts felt extremely uncomfortable.
I now know why they were uncomfortable, though.
It's because of the uncertainty that I feared.
I feared it because it seemed like a huge risk. In a way, it was.
Because it made me extremely vulnerable.
It made me vulnerable because I was at the mercy of the outcome.
I'm working on releasing the outcome so that it doesn't matter as much.
When it doesn't matter as much, it has a better chance of being good.
Also there's less resistance there. Because there isn't an expectation
of it turning out in any particular way, because the desire isn't there.
De-sire. To sire is to produce. It's basically going against our own wishes.
Which took me a long time to realize.
Because I still have desires. Deep burning desires.
Wants, needs, hopes, wishes etc.
Because I want those things to be a certain way.
I want to have some control over my life, well, more control.
The only way I can have more control over my own life
is to have more control over myself.
Starting with my mind and my emotions.
The conversation I had tonight about my lifestyle...
It started with: "Do you feel worthless?"
When I said that I did, he said "Good!"
He wanted me to feel worthless because he believed I should feel that way.
Interesting, right? It's something I've been doing lately...
Instead of forming an opinion on my observations...
I just call them interesting.
What an interesting way to start a conversation, eh?
By basically telling someone how they should feel
because we believe they ought to feel the way we believe they should feel...
But I don't have to even form an opinion on anyone's opinions...
That's the beauty of this. When we break this habit,
there's so much freedom. It's unreal.
We stop becoming affected by our own opinions.
It's a beautiful thing. It really is.
People form their opinions subconsciously.
They aren't even aware of how their opinions affect them.
They just see it as a way to enforce their own belief.
They might not even be THAT aware to the point they see THAT.
One way to become aware is to make observations.
Just to watch ourselves do what we do while we do those things.
Most of us won't do that. Most of us 'wish' we were aware,
want to be more 'in control' but remain unaware.
To become aware they have to commit to becoming aware.
From my observations, people prefer their own ignorance.
Because it's comfortable and known, even if it causes problems.
The thing is that they are unaware that being unaware is causing problems.
They may not know what the cause of the problem is
and they blame things or other people for causing the problem.
Because they'd rather do that than take resposibility
for their awareness or accountability for their lack of awareness.
I'm not saying I'm completely aware. I'm becoming more aware.
I'm starting from where I am.
I don't have to start from where I was, I'm not there anymore.
Also, I don't have to go back to where I was.
Something off topic... I just want to record this before I forget.
I had a dream about a fancy high end Chinese restarant.
They had two ends, one end had the kitchen, the other the dining room...
The dining room looked like a paradise.
Both had big doors with chinese characters in gold on them.
A fair size, too. I forget if I asked, or if she just told me...
What the characters were.
The one on the kitchen door was "Hell"
and the one on the dining room door was "Heaven."
I guess the kitchen made me think of "Hell's Kitchen."
And that the dining area had this opulence and ambiance to it.
They wanted the diners to have the optimal experience.
Anyway, I know that was off topic. I just didn't want to forget that.
There's an orchestra show thing that has stories about ancient China.
I forget what the show is called, but it is beautiful.
The guy was telling me about it. The guy selling tickets to it.
He showed me that the character for "music"
is very similar to the character for "medicine."
I found that pretty interesting.
I also found the dream interesting.
I so rarely dream about Chinese anything.
Just rarely ever comes up in my dreams.
The concept for the restaurant was pretty cool, though.
I feel like I'm hitting a huge growth spurt. It actually feels good.
Most of my growth spurts felt extremely uncomfortable.
I now know why they were uncomfortable, though.
It's because of the uncertainty that I feared.
I feared it because it seemed like a huge risk. In a way, it was.
Because it made me extremely vulnerable.
It made me vulnerable because I was at the mercy of the outcome.
I'm working on releasing the outcome so that it doesn't matter as much.
When it doesn't matter as much, it has a better chance of being good.
Also there's less resistance there. Because there isn't an expectation
of it turning out in any particular way, because the desire isn't there.
De-sire. To sire is to produce. It's basically going against our own wishes.
Which took me a long time to realize.
Because I still have desires. Deep burning desires.
Wants, needs, hopes, wishes etc.
Because I want those things to be a certain way.
I want to have some control over my life, well, more control.
The only way I can have more control over my own life
is to have more control over myself.
Starting with my mind and my emotions.
The conversation I had tonight about my lifestyle...
It started with: "Do you feel worthless?"
When I said that I did, he said "Good!"
He wanted me to feel worthless because he believed I should feel that way.
Interesting, right? It's something I've been doing lately...
Instead of forming an opinion on my observations...
I just call them interesting.
What an interesting way to start a conversation, eh?
By basically telling someone how they should feel
because we believe they ought to feel the way we believe they should feel...
But I don't have to even form an opinion on anyone's opinions...
That's the beauty of this. When we break this habit,
there's so much freedom. It's unreal.
We stop becoming affected by our own opinions.
It's a beautiful thing. It really is.
People form their opinions subconsciously.
They aren't even aware of how their opinions affect them.
They just see it as a way to enforce their own belief.
They might not even be THAT aware to the point they see THAT.
One way to become aware is to make observations.
Just to watch ourselves do what we do while we do those things.
Most of us won't do that. Most of us 'wish' we were aware,
want to be more 'in control' but remain unaware.
To become aware they have to commit to becoming aware.
From my observations, people prefer their own ignorance.
Because it's comfortable and known, even if it causes problems.
The thing is that they are unaware that being unaware is causing problems.
They may not know what the cause of the problem is
and they blame things or other people for causing the problem.
Because they'd rather do that than take resposibility
for their awareness or accountability for their lack of awareness.
I'm not saying I'm completely aware. I'm becoming more aware.
I'm starting from where I am.
I don't have to start from where I was, I'm not there anymore.
Also, I don't have to go back to where I was.
Something off topic... I just want to record this before I forget.
I had a dream about a fancy high end Chinese restarant.
They had two ends, one end had the kitchen, the other the dining room...
The dining room looked like a paradise.
Both had big doors with chinese characters in gold on them.
A fair size, too. I forget if I asked, or if she just told me...
What the characters were.
The one on the kitchen door was "Hell"
and the one on the dining room door was "Heaven."
I guess the kitchen made me think of "Hell's Kitchen."
And that the dining area had this opulence and ambiance to it.
They wanted the diners to have the optimal experience.
Anyway, I know that was off topic. I just didn't want to forget that.
There's an orchestra show thing that has stories about ancient China.
I forget what the show is called, but it is beautiful.
The guy was telling me about it. The guy selling tickets to it.
He showed me that the character for "music"
is very similar to the character for "medicine."
I found that pretty interesting.
I also found the dream interesting.
I so rarely dream about Chinese anything.
Just rarely ever comes up in my dreams.
The concept for the restaurant was pretty cool, though.
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