Someone I dated a while back has communicated that they want another chance.
It was one of those relationships that had a lot of challenges
and wasn't the healthiest, since we weren't the healthiest.
I said that I don't want anything at this time.
Maybe not in the future, either.
I'm like "If you hurt me once, you might hurt me again."
That is why I don't like going back to that,
and very wary of trying again.
Also, I don't know what their real reasons are
for wanting another chance with me.
I appreciate them telling me that they regret how it ended,
but I'm really trying to heal before I start anything at all.
Before I even think about that. I was really, really hurt.
I don't talk a lot about that stuff, I tend to keep it to myself.
It was just interesting that he communicated that. Wasn't expecting that.
I just keep wondering if they are saying what they are saying
just to try to get me back or if they mean it.
Like I want to believe that they mean it and that it's not a ploy.
But even if it was a ploy, it's not going to work.
I have work to do and I don't want anyone to end up saying:
"What's more important? Your work or me?"
This is a very important time for me.
And I don't expect anyone to understand. I have a chance
to lay a foundation for myself for like the next 20 - 30 years.
Which isn't the easiest for someone who isn't used to laying a foundation.
I've needed a solid foundation in my life. Inner stability.
I've needed inner strength. This sort of thing. So my focus is on that.
Every time I focus on that, someone comes in
and starts falling in love with me. Because I'm not focused on love.
Whenever I try to focus on love, everything just... I don't even know what to say.
Anyway, the truth came out that they were lonely. I get that.
I've been lonely. I've been so lonely that my heart ached. Literally.
People keep leaving. Coming into my life, then leaving.
People kept pushing me away. Either because they don't want me
or can't decide if they want me. Now they are trying to come in
and I'm not even ready for that. It could take a long time.
It's not like I'll never love again, but I loved when I thought
that I was ready to open my heart.
I loved because I had a chance to love.
And I thought that if I didn't take the chance, I wouldn't get another.
I had ideas and concepts about love that aren't realistic.
I don't want to get into a relationship just because I'm lonely.
Those never end up working out as I have discovered.
They loved me in and so much that I was there
so that they were no longer lonely.
I don't want to get into a relationship just because someone finds me attractive.
I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I'd rather it be for more that just that.
Like it's nice that you think I'm "cute" or whatever,
but I'm so much more on such deeper levels than my physical appearance.
I'm not some prize where a guy can just go "look at my girlfriend."
I'd rather people see what's in my heart and in my soul,
I would rather people see me on the deepest levels. And be attracted to that.
But they so rarely see me on those levels.
It's like they start seeing me on those level AFTER we break up.
Because they're lonely and they miss BEING with me.
Then they'll talk to me, maybe, or start reading my blog for the first time
and they'll realize that there was always
so much more to me than they ever knew.
Not that I'm like the best person in the world or anything,
there's just more going on below the surface.
That I tend to keep hidden and people can know me for years
without ever truly knowing me. It surprises people.
Like "I never knew her like this when we were together."
They might even think I was holding back from them.
The truth is, that there are parts of me that I can rarely access.
Let alone express. Especially verbally.
These parts have to be opened up, awakened, stimulated.
I find a lot of myself through writing.
I pour my heart out and soul out sometimes. When I can,
but writing is one of the only ways that I can.
So often people think I'm dull or that I have nothing to say or whatever.
I let others do the talking. I let others take the lead.
Then they get tired of talking and tired of taking the lead.
Then when they let me do it, they tell me I'm not letting them do it.
So they get an idea about me when we're together.
Which may not be entirely accurate.
I tend to connect better online, through writing.
Like I met the last two guys I dated in a chat room.
And we communicated in writing, and then they realized it was so much different
when we spoke on the phone and even different yet in person.
Like my ex once said that when we communicated in writing
on a private message thing after we broke up,
that it was literally night and day. He saw another side of me.
And this was before he started reading my blog.
Anyway, I'd rather someone want me for me, the real me.
The below the surface me. Not because they think I'm "cute"
and not because they're lonely.
But I guess none of that matters since I'm not ready for anything, anyway.
It was one of those relationships that had a lot of challenges
and wasn't the healthiest, since we weren't the healthiest.
I said that I don't want anything at this time.
Maybe not in the future, either.
I'm like "If you hurt me once, you might hurt me again."
That is why I don't like going back to that,
and very wary of trying again.
Also, I don't know what their real reasons are
for wanting another chance with me.
I appreciate them telling me that they regret how it ended,
but I'm really trying to heal before I start anything at all.
Before I even think about that. I was really, really hurt.
I don't talk a lot about that stuff, I tend to keep it to myself.
It was just interesting that he communicated that. Wasn't expecting that.
I just keep wondering if they are saying what they are saying
just to try to get me back or if they mean it.
Like I want to believe that they mean it and that it's not a ploy.
But even if it was a ploy, it's not going to work.
I have work to do and I don't want anyone to end up saying:
"What's more important? Your work or me?"
This is a very important time for me.
And I don't expect anyone to understand. I have a chance
to lay a foundation for myself for like the next 20 - 30 years.
Which isn't the easiest for someone who isn't used to laying a foundation.
I've needed a solid foundation in my life. Inner stability.
I've needed inner strength. This sort of thing. So my focus is on that.
Every time I focus on that, someone comes in
and starts falling in love with me. Because I'm not focused on love.
Whenever I try to focus on love, everything just... I don't even know what to say.
Anyway, the truth came out that they were lonely. I get that.
I've been lonely. I've been so lonely that my heart ached. Literally.
People keep leaving. Coming into my life, then leaving.
People kept pushing me away. Either because they don't want me
or can't decide if they want me. Now they are trying to come in
and I'm not even ready for that. It could take a long time.
It's not like I'll never love again, but I loved when I thought
that I was ready to open my heart.
I loved because I had a chance to love.
And I thought that if I didn't take the chance, I wouldn't get another.
I had ideas and concepts about love that aren't realistic.
I don't want to get into a relationship just because I'm lonely.
Those never end up working out as I have discovered.
They loved me in and so much that I was there
so that they were no longer lonely.
I don't want to get into a relationship just because someone finds me attractive.
I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I'd rather it be for more that just that.
Like it's nice that you think I'm "cute" or whatever,
but I'm so much more on such deeper levels than my physical appearance.
I'm not some prize where a guy can just go "look at my girlfriend."
I'd rather people see what's in my heart and in my soul,
I would rather people see me on the deepest levels. And be attracted to that.
But they so rarely see me on those levels.
It's like they start seeing me on those level AFTER we break up.
Because they're lonely and they miss BEING with me.
Then they'll talk to me, maybe, or start reading my blog for the first time
and they'll realize that there was always
so much more to me than they ever knew.
Not that I'm like the best person in the world or anything,
there's just more going on below the surface.
That I tend to keep hidden and people can know me for years
without ever truly knowing me. It surprises people.
Like "I never knew her like this when we were together."
They might even think I was holding back from them.
The truth is, that there are parts of me that I can rarely access.
Let alone express. Especially verbally.
These parts have to be opened up, awakened, stimulated.
I find a lot of myself through writing.
I pour my heart out and soul out sometimes. When I can,
but writing is one of the only ways that I can.
So often people think I'm dull or that I have nothing to say or whatever.
I let others do the talking. I let others take the lead.
Then they get tired of talking and tired of taking the lead.
Then when they let me do it, they tell me I'm not letting them do it.
So they get an idea about me when we're together.
Which may not be entirely accurate.
I tend to connect better online, through writing.
Like I met the last two guys I dated in a chat room.
And we communicated in writing, and then they realized it was so much different
when we spoke on the phone and even different yet in person.
Like my ex once said that when we communicated in writing
on a private message thing after we broke up,
that it was literally night and day. He saw another side of me.
And this was before he started reading my blog.
Anyway, I'd rather someone want me for me, the real me.
The below the surface me. Not because they think I'm "cute"
and not because they're lonely.
But I guess none of that matters since I'm not ready for anything, anyway.
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