Music & Medicine

There's a Chinese show that comes to town every year.
I was at the mall and a man was talking to me about it,
showing me clips and the brochure and stuff.
He was explaining the show in great detail and it's definitely a magical experience.
He showed me that the Chinese character for music
is very similar for the Chinese character for medicine.
Since I've been playing the guitar more, I've been feeling better.
It's the vibrations of the notes, the strings, it vibrates through my body.
It's hard to explain it. I'm not a professional guitar player or anything like this.
I'd love to take actual lessons if I ever get the chance.
For now, I'm content to play the notes that I know and the harmonies I know.
I'd love to play classical guitar. I mess around with my own tunes.
Rock is great but I'm leaning more towards opera.
Also, I might look into joining a choir or something next year.
I've secretly wanted to learn to sing and sing opera style music.
So now you know one of my secrets.

Also, thought about going to the hospital and maybe bringing my guitar.
Just to have an audience and I know there are people dying in there.
Maybe to the hospice, also.
I know there's a piano at the hospital,
I used to play it when my Grandmother was there.
I forget how to get to that ward. I haven't been there in years.
And I'm pretty sure that they want people to just come and visit someone.
I mean have someone to visit opposed to just hanging out.

Overall, I've been feeling better the last couple of days.
Don't know why. Maybe my morning routine has something to do with it.
That and reading more, practicing things, working on myself, etc.
And going back to the kitchen to help out was great today.
It went so smoothly that we finished early. An hour early. It was great.

I still hear the guitar notes in my head after playing.
It puts me at ease. I want to practice more, actually,
but I've already practiced since I got home and I want to focus on reading a bit.
I just still hear guitar in my head as I read.

There was something I was reading about having the ability
to feel emotions ABOUT our emotions.
Which is pretty interesting. Something I haven't thought much about.

One of my friends is going through a really rough patch lately.
I really want to be there for her. To be a good friend to her.
A lot of the time I feel like I'm not consoling her well
and I feel sh*tty that I can't physically be there for her.
I really wish and want nothing but the best for her.
She really does deserve so much better.
She's worth so much more than the little value people place on her.
I wish she could see herself through my eyes, too.
She has such a great heart and it's breaking, I feel it.

I want to be that nurturing, supportive friend.
I'm glad that I have her in my life.
I just want to be more and do more for her.

I'm also glad that I read that part about having feelings
ABOUT our feelings. I wasn't looking at it that way
and I'm pretty sure it happens more often than we think it does
without us even realizing it.

I was reading someone's post about how they went through
an emotional episode and pulled themselves out of it.
It seems a lot of people are grieving around this time of year.
The card "Grief Work" came up for me for December.
With the Devil card and the Celebration cards in reverse.

Grieving has always been weird for me. I tend to repress my emotions so much.
There have been a few losses that I just haven't fully grieved, yet.
When that happens, I know it will be pretty intense,
but I just can't bring myself to do it because I know I am not strong enough
to handle the real intense, really deep emotions.
Basically, I've been running from the pain and running from a lot of stuff.
Feeling like I will eventually get to it, all of it, but I'm not ready, yet.
Like if I was strong enough, I could handle it.
But just feeling like I'm not and that I can't. Not yet.

Anyway... I wanted to write about something that I almost forgot.
I was on the bus and I happened to look out the window at the right time.
I saw something under one of the trees. I knew right away that it was an animal,
but it didn't register to me right away what animal it was, what I was seeing.
It was a fox! Curled up, sleeping under the tree by the side of the road.
It was one of those beautiful, rare moments.
I love catching glimpses like that.
Like "Look up! There's something you need to see!"
Then BOOM! Right there! Something so beautiful. A piece of peace on earth.
I feel that way when I see large masses of birds flying together.
That awe and wow! And that calm sensation that I'm witnessing something special.
It makes me feel that I'm in the right place, at the right time.
Even with everything that had to happen for me to get there.

I'm trying to make as much peace with where I'm at as I can.
It's not where or how I want to be, but it's where I am.
The more I make peace with it, the easier it is to make peace with myself.
And that's pretty much all I need. To make peace wit myself
and to make peace with where I'm at.
So that I can get closer and closer to feeling at peace, overall.
Once and for all.