Twice on Christmas Day I was offered alcohol and I turned it down.
The first time someone I was passing on the street turned around
and asked me if I drank alcohol. Just randomly, unexpectedly.
Was kind of an odd situation. I mean even if I did,
I'm not sure how I feel about accepting offers from strangers.
Then my ex offered me a beer. It's been almost 5 years since my last drink.
So when I can turn it down twice in one day,
I can confidently say that I've kicked that habit.
It's coming up to almost 10 years without a cigarette, too.
So there is hope with kicking other habits.
Like the emotional and mental habits I've formed.
Stuff like that. Those are also addictions.
Because my body is used to the neurochemicals associated with those
so they produce more to get more of those neurochemicals.
I keep forgetting that.
That's probably why I'm used to feeling a certain way at night.
Like "This is the time you usually feed your addiction."
"It's time for my injection of (the emotion)."
"Which I can only get when you feel this way
so start feeling those feelings you usually feel
and start thinking those thoughts you usually think. I need my drug."
People do not realize that it is a chemical addiction
to neurochemicals. Which is why it is really hard to get over depression.
But there is a 'new normal' that I can work on creating and I am doing that.
Slowly. Someone said "Trust the process."
I said that I'm in the process of trusting the process.
The mind is very powerful. So powerful that we don't realize its full power.
The ability to recognize its full power and to use it makes us powerful.
There's so much power inside us that is waiting to be claimed.
But we don't know how to claim it!
I spent my whole life knowing that there was something out of reach,
but I didn't know what it was. Nobody told me.
I had to figure out all this stuff on my own. Which is hard.
I'm still trying to figure the rest out on my own.
Because nobody is telling me "To do this, you have to do that."
Or "To do that, you have to do this."
"This means this. That means that."
"This is how you do that. That is how you do this."
There's no AA for breaking mental and emotional habits.
I think there is one for emotions, actually, but... You know what I mean.
There's no group that supports you through breaking those addictions.
Sometimes I worry that I'm just going to end up trading one addiction for another.
Like becoming successful only to get addicted to certain other things.
Not drugs, though. I just meant something else.
I'm pretty sure I'm done with drugs. I'm dealing with other 'drugs.'
Emotional and mental 'drugs.' Been drugging myself for years and years
without ever realizing it. It's an addiction.
Addictions take people's power away.
I know this, mine took mine away. Not that I ever had my full power.
Or my full strength, or my full anything.
Just was full of my own bullsh*t, if anything.
I finally remember the name of the groundhog... It was Hogan.
I thought it started with a G so I was wracking my brain for a while.
Interesting that things come up when you least expect them to....
But anyway.... There's so much going on these days...
Lots of opportunities coming up. Lots of choices.
Just lots coming at me in all kinds of directions.
It's like when I finally let go of wanting anything, it just all floods me.
All at the same time. It's so weird and feel very weird.
Like "Hey, I know you've been waiting a while... Here ya go."
Then BOOM! It's like a huge box o' stuff arrives.
And I'm like "What's with all the stuff all of a sudden?!
Where'd this box o' stuff come from?
Why couldn't it have arrived a little at a time?!"
But then something says: "But you weren't ready for your box o' stuff."
"We received your order, but it took a while to organize your stuff."
"Such and such and such and such had to happen before you got your stuff."
I'm still all like "Thank you for my box o' stuff, but what do I do with all this?!"
"I can't just give this all away because it was meant for me
and it's stuff that cannot be given away. People have their own stuff."
I still keep wondering: Why so much all at the same time?!
Yeah, I wanted some stuff to keep me busy... But.... It's ridiculous!
Be careful what you wish for!
The first time someone I was passing on the street turned around
and asked me if I drank alcohol. Just randomly, unexpectedly.
Was kind of an odd situation. I mean even if I did,
I'm not sure how I feel about accepting offers from strangers.
Then my ex offered me a beer. It's been almost 5 years since my last drink.
So when I can turn it down twice in one day,
I can confidently say that I've kicked that habit.
It's coming up to almost 10 years without a cigarette, too.
So there is hope with kicking other habits.
Like the emotional and mental habits I've formed.
Stuff like that. Those are also addictions.
Because my body is used to the neurochemicals associated with those
so they produce more to get more of those neurochemicals.
I keep forgetting that.
That's probably why I'm used to feeling a certain way at night.
Like "This is the time you usually feed your addiction."
"It's time for my injection of (the emotion)."
"Which I can only get when you feel this way
so start feeling those feelings you usually feel
and start thinking those thoughts you usually think. I need my drug."
People do not realize that it is a chemical addiction
to neurochemicals. Which is why it is really hard to get over depression.
But there is a 'new normal' that I can work on creating and I am doing that.
Slowly. Someone said "Trust the process."
I said that I'm in the process of trusting the process.
The mind is very powerful. So powerful that we don't realize its full power.
The ability to recognize its full power and to use it makes us powerful.
There's so much power inside us that is waiting to be claimed.
But we don't know how to claim it!
I spent my whole life knowing that there was something out of reach,
but I didn't know what it was. Nobody told me.
I had to figure out all this stuff on my own. Which is hard.
I'm still trying to figure the rest out on my own.
Because nobody is telling me "To do this, you have to do that."
Or "To do that, you have to do this."
"This means this. That means that."
"This is how you do that. That is how you do this."
There's no AA for breaking mental and emotional habits.
I think there is one for emotions, actually, but... You know what I mean.
There's no group that supports you through breaking those addictions.
Sometimes I worry that I'm just going to end up trading one addiction for another.
Like becoming successful only to get addicted to certain other things.
Not drugs, though. I just meant something else.
I'm pretty sure I'm done with drugs. I'm dealing with other 'drugs.'
Emotional and mental 'drugs.' Been drugging myself for years and years
without ever realizing it. It's an addiction.
Addictions take people's power away.
I know this, mine took mine away. Not that I ever had my full power.
Or my full strength, or my full anything.
Just was full of my own bullsh*t, if anything.
I finally remember the name of the groundhog... It was Hogan.
I thought it started with a G so I was wracking my brain for a while.
Interesting that things come up when you least expect them to....
But anyway.... There's so much going on these days...
Lots of opportunities coming up. Lots of choices.
Just lots coming at me in all kinds of directions.
It's like when I finally let go of wanting anything, it just all floods me.
All at the same time. It's so weird and feel very weird.
Like "Hey, I know you've been waiting a while... Here ya go."
Then BOOM! It's like a huge box o' stuff arrives.
And I'm like "What's with all the stuff all of a sudden?!
Where'd this box o' stuff come from?
Why couldn't it have arrived a little at a time?!"
But then something says: "But you weren't ready for your box o' stuff."
"We received your order, but it took a while to organize your stuff."
"Such and such and such and such had to happen before you got your stuff."
I'm still all like "Thank you for my box o' stuff, but what do I do with all this?!"
"I can't just give this all away because it was meant for me
and it's stuff that cannot be given away. People have their own stuff."
I still keep wondering: Why so much all at the same time?!
Yeah, I wanted some stuff to keep me busy... But.... It's ridiculous!
Be careful what you wish for!
No comments:
Post a Comment