I Don't Have To Be Sure

A friend told me that I don't have to be sure about everything.
Yeah, it feels better and it is easier when we are absolutely sure.
There is a full moon coming soon, in a matter of days.
The moon card in Tarot is about uncertainty
and the impulse to make a decision to end the uncertainty.
I don't like making decisions unless I'm sure.
But the thing is that the outcome can always go either way.
And I keep thinking that the safest wager is none at all.

Then this comes to mind:
"A ship is always safe at shore,
but that is not what a ship's built for."

When we don't open ourselves up to the opportunity,
we don't get to see what else could happen as a result.
Lots of good things have happened because I took the chance
to let them happen.
And none of them would have happened
had I not taken the chance to let them happen.

Obviously things haven't worked out the way I wanted them to.
Obviously not everything can work out the way I want it to.
Because things were not meant to just 'work out'
I had a lot to do with why they didn't.
So did others, not just me.
And the things themselves, just go however they go.

So yeah, I still have an issue with just being optimistic.
Because although I want to hope for the best,
I know that just hoping for the best won't just 'make' things 'work out.'
But should that be the reason that I just stop being optimistic?
Probably not. They probably would have a better chance if I was.

It's usually when I least expect anything to happen that something does.
And it usually is the last thing I expect to happen.
But this goes both ways. Good things can happen like this, too.
Not everything that happens has to be bad.
But not everything that happens has to be certain, either.
Which was basically what my friend was telling me.
He has a way of saying things that I need to hear when I need to hear it.
What are friends for? Right?

Today is a friend's birthday. I wished him a happy birthday.
I stopped trying to see him because I've wanted to see him for months now.
And he has my number. Plans aren't that hard to make if he wants to make some.
If he wanted to see me, (he lives a block away from me) he could see me.
He knows this. He hasn't tried.

I get to a point where I stop trying and then people wonder why.
There are only so many times I will say "I want to see you."
I so rarely hear it from anyone that yeah, I go see them.
Even when they cancel on me twice in the same week.

So yeah, I get to a point where I stop trying if I'm the only one trying.
But I can do my own thing. I don't have to wait for anyone
to "want to see me" although, yeah it's nice.

Anyway, I looked at the meaning of the grief work card.
It says tht my heart needs healing from one or more losses. True.
And that I need to do grief work as a way of moving forward in my life.
"Unhealed grief is compounded by each subsequent loss.
Loss is one of the more painful processes of change,
yet it can also help us develop compassion
and more appreciation for life."

I was thinking about the word resentment today.
Thinking that it could possibly be the opposite of appreciation.
Someone told me they resented me.
At the time, I just accepted that it was the way they felt.
And I guess it's better to know than not to know, to some degree.
It did kind of hurt a bit, but really, all I can do is just accept it.
People are allowed to feel however they decide to feel.
Some people will say that they don't 'decide' to feel a certain way.
That they can't help but to feel a certain way.
That others 'made' them feel a certain way.
I used to think this. Because I was more at the mercy of my emotions
than I am today. My feelings literally controlled me all the time.

Yes, I still have emotional moments, but they come more
when I'm really focused on something in particular.
Like when I used to get really mad, I kept thinking certain things that fueled it.
When I get really sad, I kept thinking certain things that fueled it.

Today I was thinking some things and having some emotions.
Because something happened recently that I had been wanting to experience
for a really long time. A very long time.
So long that I literally had to give up on it ever happening
because I was convinced that it just wouldn't.
Because it hadn't. I knew it happened to other people,
but it was something that just wasn't happening to me or for me.

I kept thinking about how long it took. Questioning my worth etc.
Like it was so simple and so easy to do, why hadn't it happened sooner?
But I guess I should be happy and thankful it happened at all.
Or I'd still be waiting for it to happen and still questioning my worth
and still wondering why it happened to others and not to me.

So anyway, I had an emotional reaction to it
because although I wanted it to happen,
I'm not used to things like that happening to me.
And I reacted the way I did because I don't really know how to react.
But I don't really have to have a reaction.
It's just one of those things where you wait for so long,
and then what you wanted to happen actually happens
and first you want to know why it took so long
and if it could just happen like that, why did it have to take so long?
Things like this. It's just been one of those days.
I really need a cup of tea and to get some reading done.

I didn't go to the library today, I think I should pick a day of the week
and just go consistently on that day at a certain time.