Healing Hurts

Been resisting a lot. Change, healing, all kinds of stuff.
I've wrote about healing a few times, that I remember.
I remember writing a quote that has stuck with me:
"If we don't heal what hurt us,
we'll bleed on those who never cut us."

I'm not talking about physically bleeding,
I'm talking about emotionally, spiritually, even psychologically.
I've bled on lots of people, for a long time.
They didn't deserve it, but it happened.
I have to fogive myself because I wasn't aware that I was bleeding.
It was never my intention to bleed on them.

But bleeding... It's just a sign that we're wounded.
Otherwise, we might not know.
Like if someone gets shot, they don't feel it at first.
I've never been shot, but I heard that they don't feel it at first.
Then they see "Oh, sh*t, I'm bleeding..."
When we're emotionally bleeding and spiritually bleeding,
we don't see it. There's no physical blood to see.
There's 'blood' but it's not something we recognize as 'blood.'
Only physical blood is seen as blood.
So maybe we know we are wounded, but we don't realize
how deep the wound goes, we can't see if it's infected,
we don't know that it's still gaping, wide open.

Been thinking a lot about relationships lately.
Not that I want to start a new one or anything like that,
just relationships in general and my past experiences.

Probably because I've been doing a lot of reflecting
and I'm reading this section about relationships.
There are a lot of dynamics I couldn't see before.

But anyway, this healing stuff...
It takes time and it is painful.
Kind of like my physical healing that I'm doing right now.
Still have this hole in my mouth where my tooth used to be.
It's been painful. It's healing though. Slowly.

I guess I needed some time completely on my own
to look at the things I needed to look at, to reflect,
to come to some realizations about why I am the way I am,
why I was the way I was. So that I don't have to repeat that.
In every painful experience, there are lessons.
That's basically what this book I'm reading is about.
It's called "Wake-Up Calls." By Eric Allenbaugh.

Been thinking about relationships because I am seeing
others in relationships struggling with theirs.
A friend's boyfriend cheated on her recently,
and she's going through all those emotions.
It's easy to be affected by the choices other people make.
It's hard to release that, but when we do, we release the effects of it, too.

I used to call my ex after we broke up,
because I was hoping that we could still be in each other's lives.
I still cared about him, still do, but we aren't talking anymore.

I remember when he was trying to start a relationship with another girl
soon after we broke up and I really struggled with my emotions
regarding that. It was really hard to see him move on so fast.
Maybe he didn't realize that, maybe he did, but that isn't the point.
It was hard even though I knew we couldn't get back together
because I still had this huge wound that is only now starting to heal.

I don't even know why I'm writing about this.
Maybe because the topic is relationships
and I'm reflecting on my own experiences.
And possibly, people can relate to this sort of thing
having had similar experiences.
It's not to shame or scrutinize my ex. His choices are his.
I was just saying that I struggled with it emotionally
because I guess I didn't know how to react to it.
Since there were still feelings there that conflicted.

I struggled with my emotions in and out of relationships.
Being in ones where my needs weren't really regarded as important.
Not all of them, but the majority of them.

My sense of self worth really took a dive.
Because of how I view myself in conjunction with certain experiences.
I've spent all my life looking at myself a certain way,
which isn't the best way I could be looking at myself.
I don't totally hate myself like I used to,
but I guess there are some residual beliefs from when I used to.
From back in the past when I was going through a lot of sh*t.
When I was doing drugs and drinking etc.
When I was homeless and I just felt like I had no value whatsoever.

Anyway, there's a lot of pain there from way before I ever met my ex.
Way before I met anyone I ever dated.
Before I ever started dating. A lot of it from damaged I caused myself
from how I used to (and still sometimes) look at myself.
It wasn't just others hurting me, it was me hurting me.
But yeah, a lot of people were pretty cruel to me in the past.
Wayyyyyy in the past. I've still held onto that pain. Don't know why.
I don't need it and don't need to feed it.
It just all needs to heal. It's just so far in the past that it's subconscious pain.
It's so deep because it's wayyyy below the surface.
And I didn't deal with it because I didn't know how to deal with it.
That's why I turned to drugs and drinking. To escape pain
that I really have/had no f*cking clue as to how to deal with.

Even thinking about this stuff is giving me anxiety.
Even though it was so long ago. Soooo over now.
But that's just telling me that these unresolved emotions
are still lingering. These 'worms' are still there.
They've probably multiplied many times as worms do.
It's not as simple as taking a medication to get de-wormed.
There's a lot of inner work that I have to do
to deal with these inner struggles and inner conflicts that I have.
Otherwise I'm going to keep bleeding, and bleeding, and bleeding.
And hurting, and hurting, and hurting.
Even getting 'infections' that will manifest as actual disease.

Anyway, I'll leave it at that for now...