I honestly cannot remember ever hearing "I love you" from my mother. Ever.
My Grandmother and I used to say it to each other.
It was somehow easier to say it to her than to my mother, too.
Probably because I don't hear it from my mother.
It's not that I don't love my mother, I do.
It's just hard to tell someone who never tells you that they love you
that you love them. Maybe that's why she is that way, I don't know.
When my Grandmother was in the hospital, dying,
I told her that I loved her and she told me she loved me, too.
As best as she could, she could barely talk anymore.
My mother had the chance to tell her then, but she didn't
and it was pretty much her last chance to tell her and to hear it.
But she couldn't bring herself to do it. Lost opportunities.
Just makes me wonder if she does love me sometimes. If she ever did.
It's something that shouldn't be hard to say. To your own child.
A guess this is why I have some issues with love.
Wondering if they really mean it when they say it
or if they are just saying it to say it.
Never heard it from either of my parents, actually. Only my Grandmother.
Something tells me I'll never hear it from my mother.
I sometimes hear it from my son, but I tell him all the time.
So he is used to saying it back. I guess that makes it easier to say.
If I had never told him, he'd be wondering like I have been.
I guess it created a wound inside of me that has been there for a really long time.
Feeling like I'm somehow unworthy of love or something.
Like my inner child wanting and needing to hear "I love you" from my mother
feels like nobody could or can love her if her own mother doesn't.
Feeling like she wouldn't have abandoned me if she loved me.
Then this repeating throughout my life. Because we learn relationship stuff
from seeing others role model relationship stuff.
I learned a lot of co-dependant stuff, pretty much. Which I know isn't healthy.
I might have felt different about myself if I had a healthy relationship
with my mother growing up.
Like kids need to hear "I love you" from their parents.
They need to know without a doubt that their parents love them.
So they know what it feels like to feel loved and wanted, and cared for.
It does screw with our psychology as we grow. It's important.
Because that wound doesn't just go away by itself, it has to heal.
Part of the break I'm taking from my family is to heal that
and to heal a lot of self-esteem issues I've had
that I acquired as a result of their reactions to me, constantly.
"None of that shit tonight." Among other things.
"Feel how you feel some other time."
"I don't want to hear it." All these other things.
On top of not asking me how I'm doing. Or telling me they love me.
And my self-esteem doesn't really have to have to do with anyone.
But these things have an affect over time.
Especially when we don't realize for so long that we don't have to build
our self-image or our concepts of ourselves
based on anyone's image of us or concepts of us.
Or their reactions to us, etc.
We just do this by default because we aren't taught that we don't have to.
We're taught all kinds of rules to live by,
but not taught the rules not to live by.
Like not hearing "I love you" from my parents
doesn't mean I'm unworthy of love. It just speaks to their inability to express it.
Maybe they are unsure how they feel about me
or unsure how they feel in general.
But I guess it kind of closed off a part of my heart for a long time.
And I'm just starting to love myself. It is really hard. Not sure why.
Probably because there's resistance there.
From all that time I've wondered whether or not I'm actually worth it.
Like "If my mom loved me, she'd tell me." Sort of thing.
But I didn't get used to telling her because I didn't hear it from her.
Anyway, that is a part of the self-esteem stuff I've been struggling with.
For a really long time, on top of how people act and react towards me.
Like am I not worth better actions and reactions?
But it's not whether or not I'm worth the effort, it's their capacity
to make the effort in the first place.
Which I really struggled to realize for a long time until someone pointed it out.
Like if someone's not used to making the effort,
how likely are they going to make the effort?
And if and when they do, how much of an effort will it be?
It used to get to my Grandmother a lot that my family just didn't seem to care.
Because if they had any shred of compassion, they'd show some for her.
Especially when she was in the hospital, dying.
Yeah, I get that it's not easy to watch someone dying. It was really f*cking hard.
But it is literally your LAST chance to show you care, at all.
It really irks me that so many people are so selfish
that they don't know what compassion means.
Even without my parents showing much compassion towards me,
I still learned to be compassionate somehow. I'm not a total Ice Queen.
Even though I did learn that I can be pretty cold,
from people who have been pretty cold with me.
And they are only cold because they don't know how to open their hearts.
It isn't that they have no heart at all. It's just closed and locked tight.
For whatever reason. Probably to protect themselves.
There were times I closed my heart. Firmly, purposely. Slammed it shut.
Only letting very few people in. People who take the time to know me.
People who show they want to take the time to know me.
Not people who already think they know me. They sure as hell don't.
People who have been reading my inner most thoughts and feelings
know me better than like 98% of people who actually know me.
Maybe they'll find it after I'm dead and gone, maybe they won't.
At any rate, I'd be a very different person today
if I didn't have my Grandmother in my life.
I think people resent me for the relationship I had with her,
but had they tried, they might have had a similar relationship with her.
She used to cry to me a lot because she wanted them in her life.
They probably never knew because she probably didn't tell them,
but she wanted them to know without having to be told.
Just like I wanted my mother to know certain things
without having to be told. Without me having to point things out.
And every time I tried telling her what I wanted and needed from her,
she'd get really defensive. Like "It's not my fault! Stop blaming me!"
She never wanted to take the responsibility for making our relationship
any semblance of a relationship.
My own son thought that my Grandmother was his Grandmother
and that my mother was his Aunt. For a long time. I saw how he saw that.
I never told him that was the case. I told him that my mother was my mother
and that she was his Grandmother,
but he never got those vibes from her because that's not what she put out.
She treats the kid across the hall like her Grandson even though she has one
and she hasn't really made much of an effort to see him in 3 years, nearly 4.
My son just gave up and doesn't want to be the one to go see her.
I don't blame him, really, I don't.
He even asked me why I still saw her. I told him because she's my mother.
She blames my ex for her lack of a relationship with my son.
She only has herself to blame for her lack of relationships with anyone.
But of course she doesn't want to hear that let alone realize that.
If she's not getting anything from anyone, she won't give.
But to get anything from anyone, she has to give.
She doesn't like to give for the sake of giving. She'd rather sulk for not getting.
I used to do that, actually, but I saw that in myself.
I saw the ways I was being exactly like my mother and I really hated it.
For a while I thought I was powerless to change so I didn't,
but I made little changes here and there and they added up over time.
My mother isn't all bad, but there are some qualities I really do not like about her.
Like how she's quick to judge and quick to react based on her judgments
and other things like this. I realize we all have faults. Nobody is perfect.
But I don't have to be like anyone just because I was taught to act like them
because they taught me through their actions.
I can learn other ways of being from other people. Even from my own intuition.
I don't have to be stuck in their ways or my own ways.
I can learn new ways and I have been.
It feels good just knowing that I have the option
to live my life differently than I have been.
My Grandmother and I used to say it to each other.
It was somehow easier to say it to her than to my mother, too.
Probably because I don't hear it from my mother.
It's not that I don't love my mother, I do.
It's just hard to tell someone who never tells you that they love you
that you love them. Maybe that's why she is that way, I don't know.
When my Grandmother was in the hospital, dying,
I told her that I loved her and she told me she loved me, too.
As best as she could, she could barely talk anymore.
My mother had the chance to tell her then, but she didn't
and it was pretty much her last chance to tell her and to hear it.
But she couldn't bring herself to do it. Lost opportunities.
Just makes me wonder if she does love me sometimes. If she ever did.
It's something that shouldn't be hard to say. To your own child.
A guess this is why I have some issues with love.
Wondering if they really mean it when they say it
or if they are just saying it to say it.
Never heard it from either of my parents, actually. Only my Grandmother.
Something tells me I'll never hear it from my mother.
I sometimes hear it from my son, but I tell him all the time.
So he is used to saying it back. I guess that makes it easier to say.
If I had never told him, he'd be wondering like I have been.
I guess it created a wound inside of me that has been there for a really long time.
Feeling like I'm somehow unworthy of love or something.
Like my inner child wanting and needing to hear "I love you" from my mother
feels like nobody could or can love her if her own mother doesn't.
Feeling like she wouldn't have abandoned me if she loved me.
Then this repeating throughout my life. Because we learn relationship stuff
from seeing others role model relationship stuff.
I learned a lot of co-dependant stuff, pretty much. Which I know isn't healthy.
I might have felt different about myself if I had a healthy relationship
with my mother growing up.
Like kids need to hear "I love you" from their parents.
They need to know without a doubt that their parents love them.
So they know what it feels like to feel loved and wanted, and cared for.
It does screw with our psychology as we grow. It's important.
Because that wound doesn't just go away by itself, it has to heal.
Part of the break I'm taking from my family is to heal that
and to heal a lot of self-esteem issues I've had
that I acquired as a result of their reactions to me, constantly.
"None of that shit tonight." Among other things.
"Feel how you feel some other time."
"I don't want to hear it." All these other things.
On top of not asking me how I'm doing. Or telling me they love me.
And my self-esteem doesn't really have to have to do with anyone.
But these things have an affect over time.
Especially when we don't realize for so long that we don't have to build
our self-image or our concepts of ourselves
based on anyone's image of us or concepts of us.
Or their reactions to us, etc.
We just do this by default because we aren't taught that we don't have to.
We're taught all kinds of rules to live by,
but not taught the rules not to live by.
Like not hearing "I love you" from my parents
doesn't mean I'm unworthy of love. It just speaks to their inability to express it.
Maybe they are unsure how they feel about me
or unsure how they feel in general.
But I guess it kind of closed off a part of my heart for a long time.
And I'm just starting to love myself. It is really hard. Not sure why.
Probably because there's resistance there.
From all that time I've wondered whether or not I'm actually worth it.
Like "If my mom loved me, she'd tell me." Sort of thing.
But I didn't get used to telling her because I didn't hear it from her.
Anyway, that is a part of the self-esteem stuff I've been struggling with.
For a really long time, on top of how people act and react towards me.
Like am I not worth better actions and reactions?
But it's not whether or not I'm worth the effort, it's their capacity
to make the effort in the first place.
Which I really struggled to realize for a long time until someone pointed it out.
Like if someone's not used to making the effort,
how likely are they going to make the effort?
And if and when they do, how much of an effort will it be?
It used to get to my Grandmother a lot that my family just didn't seem to care.
Because if they had any shred of compassion, they'd show some for her.
Especially when she was in the hospital, dying.
Yeah, I get that it's not easy to watch someone dying. It was really f*cking hard.
But it is literally your LAST chance to show you care, at all.
It really irks me that so many people are so selfish
that they don't know what compassion means.
Even without my parents showing much compassion towards me,
I still learned to be compassionate somehow. I'm not a total Ice Queen.
Even though I did learn that I can be pretty cold,
from people who have been pretty cold with me.
And they are only cold because they don't know how to open their hearts.
It isn't that they have no heart at all. It's just closed and locked tight.
For whatever reason. Probably to protect themselves.
There were times I closed my heart. Firmly, purposely. Slammed it shut.
Only letting very few people in. People who take the time to know me.
People who show they want to take the time to know me.
Not people who already think they know me. They sure as hell don't.
People who have been reading my inner most thoughts and feelings
know me better than like 98% of people who actually know me.
Maybe they'll find it after I'm dead and gone, maybe they won't.
At any rate, I'd be a very different person today
if I didn't have my Grandmother in my life.
I think people resent me for the relationship I had with her,
but had they tried, they might have had a similar relationship with her.
She used to cry to me a lot because she wanted them in her life.
They probably never knew because she probably didn't tell them,
but she wanted them to know without having to be told.
Just like I wanted my mother to know certain things
without having to be told. Without me having to point things out.
And every time I tried telling her what I wanted and needed from her,
she'd get really defensive. Like "It's not my fault! Stop blaming me!"
She never wanted to take the responsibility for making our relationship
any semblance of a relationship.
My own son thought that my Grandmother was his Grandmother
and that my mother was his Aunt. For a long time. I saw how he saw that.
I never told him that was the case. I told him that my mother was my mother
and that she was his Grandmother,
but he never got those vibes from her because that's not what she put out.
She treats the kid across the hall like her Grandson even though she has one
and she hasn't really made much of an effort to see him in 3 years, nearly 4.
My son just gave up and doesn't want to be the one to go see her.
I don't blame him, really, I don't.
He even asked me why I still saw her. I told him because she's my mother.
She blames my ex for her lack of a relationship with my son.
She only has herself to blame for her lack of relationships with anyone.
But of course she doesn't want to hear that let alone realize that.
If she's not getting anything from anyone, she won't give.
But to get anything from anyone, she has to give.
She doesn't like to give for the sake of giving. She'd rather sulk for not getting.
I used to do that, actually, but I saw that in myself.
I saw the ways I was being exactly like my mother and I really hated it.
For a while I thought I was powerless to change so I didn't,
but I made little changes here and there and they added up over time.
My mother isn't all bad, but there are some qualities I really do not like about her.
Like how she's quick to judge and quick to react based on her judgments
and other things like this. I realize we all have faults. Nobody is perfect.
But I don't have to be like anyone just because I was taught to act like them
because they taught me through their actions.
I can learn other ways of being from other people. Even from my own intuition.
I don't have to be stuck in their ways or my own ways.
I can learn new ways and I have been.
It feels good just knowing that I have the option
to live my life differently than I have been.
No comments:
Post a Comment