A Need To Open Up (Part 2)

I don't know where to start, I really don't.
There's a lot of intense emotions, but a lot of mixed emotions, too.
A lot of confusion and just... Confusion.
Because I keep thinking that I'm supposed to be making a fresh start.
But I keep feeling a connection I had with someone
who no longer wants to be in my life.
I had to respect that and I had to let him go.
Even with all the times memories have been flooding back.
A lot of good, some bad. But I want to remember the good.
I feel like he wants to start over but might be having some of these feelings, too.
I can't say how he feels or what he thinks. We haven't spoken for a long time.
I highly doubt that he'll contact me.
He told me not to contact him. Which signifies he wants a fresh start of his own.
Which I have to accept and respect.

I'm having a really hard time letting go of the past when it comes to him.
I keep thinking about the past.
When we broke up, I went even further back and it brought up
a lot of emotions that were unresolved from even further back.
In that sense, it's been confusing, too.

We had a pretty rough ending to a difficult relationship.
It being a long distance relationship, not being physically together for a long time.
Then being physically together but having a hard time connecting
in the ways we both wanted to connect.
Both feeling a lot of tension and pressure for certain reasons.
On my end, it was the pressure to be what he never had, ever.
To make up for all of that and I couldn't.
Partially because I wasn't even ready to be with anyone.
It wasn't that I wasn't ready to be with just him, I just wasn't ready to love again.
I tried, I wanted to, but I wasn't ready.

I think that since we've been apart, he's been able to see a different side of me.
Because I wasn't opening up to him in the ways we were communicating
while we were communicating and he wanted that from me.
He wanted us to come together in that way.
Because we initially came together in that way.
But things changed when we were physically together.
Which had a lot to do with my inability to open up and just tell him how I felt.
And I was having some issues with accepting a lot of things.
Because I wanted us to have the same values,
but we are clearly two different people who have some similarities,
we have a lot of differences, too.
We've had different lives and came from different worlds.

The synchronicity still gets to me, though. Not sure why.
I still think that everything that happened between us
was meant to teach us about each other and about ourselves.
Whether or not we ever talk to each other again, that has yet to be seen.
I keep thinking I should wait to see if he contacts me,
since he was the one who told me not to contact him.

I'm still struggling with the making a fresh start thing.
Maybe he already has. I don't know. I don't expect to hear from him again.

I'm just struggling to accept how everything played out. In the end.
How to even feel anymore. About anything. About everything.
About remembering so much all the time.
About what to do now.... I don't even know.

This is why I know I'm not ready.
Because of all kinds of residual emotions, but residual fears, too.
I feel it in my stomach a lot. That sinking feeling.
But I have to let him go because that's what he wants.
And when we were together, I was confused as to what I wanted.
Because I had all kinds of conflicting feelings.
I wanted my freedom and my independance, but I also wanted him.
I wanted to love and be loved, but I couldn't open up.

On here, it's easy. To tell someone how I feel is really hard.
And when you feel a lot of conflicting things, it's even harder.
Because you think that they are going to take it the wrong way,
and often they do take it in a way you didn't mean it,
because it comes out in the wrong way, at the wrong time.
And you can't unsay things, just like you can't undo things.

There's more I want to say, but I don't even know how right now.