Spoke When Spoken To

Today, I went to the kitchen for my shift.
I didn't go out of my way to speak to anyone, really.
If they spoke to me, then I spoke to them,
but if they had nothing to say to me, then I didn't say anything.
Was pretty much the same. Except they are noticing that I don't like G****.
And they seem to not like me even more because I don't.
"She's so likeable, how could you not like her?"
Just because she's the favorite
and I'm practically non-existent since she's been there,
doesn't mean she has to be my favorite person.

Anyway, someone asked me today:
"Are you honestly happy?" I was smiling, but I guess my eyes don't lie.
So I said, "Sometimes!" Because sometimes I am. That's honest.

So I lost myself in whatever I was doing, and in my thoughts.
(Thought about some pretty good stuff, actually.)

Like how I don't have to compare myself to anyone.
Because only I get to be me. Not that I'm the best or so wonderful,
but I'm not so bad. I'm really not.
So what? I haven't 'gotten' it, but I'm 'getting' it.
In more ways than one.
Anyway, nobody has to compare themselves to anyone.
Only we get to be us. Nobody else does.

Also, I realized that I've been having a hard time
being able to tell the difference between
when it's about me and when it's about them.
I do know that it's not always about me
and not always about them.

And that the things I've wanted aren't even possible.
And just because I wanted those things,
doesn't mean that I have to still want those things.
I can spend some time trying to figure out why I wanted those things.
I'm learning towards the fact that they mattered a lot to me.
Just because certain things mattered to me,
doesn't meant they still have to.

Like how it doesn't have to matter what people think of me.
They'll just look at me whichever way they decide to.
And it doesn't say anything about me.

I've determined that the reason most people feel uncomfortable around me
is because they don't know how to read me.
Like I must be fake or something or hiding something
because they can't read me easily.
I kind of prefer it that way. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve.
I have in the recent past. Actually.
Whenever I do, it works against me.
Either I'm too real or I'm presumed to be fake.
Or I'm so real that they think I'm being fake.
They can think whatever they want. It's not up to me.

Like I could show someone where to look,
but it's not up to me to tell them what to see,
and it's not up to me whether they see anything at all.
If they don't see anything, it's not my problem.
Yet, they don't have to get mad at me for seeing something that they don't.
Or seeing something that they can't.
They don't ask me what I see. They don't care to see what I see.
They can see whatever they want to see.
I can see whatever it is that I'm meant to see.
Whatever is meant for me.

And just allow the rest to see whatever they will, be whatever they will etc.
Just allow things to go however they will, because they will.

Putting conditions on things prevent the energy from flowing.
And I thought about conditions today.
That conditions are just circumstance and circumstances are circumstantial.
So I started thinking about circumstantial versus substantial.
Not all circumstances are substantial.
Or have to be substantial.
I was also thinking about circumstantial evidence versus hard evidence.

That all these circumstances are only like circumstantial evidence.

Anyway, I've been thinking. A lot. About a lot of stuff.
Thinking that the busier I am, the happier I will be.
Especially if I'm busy doing things that I enjoy.

Also, if I stop worrying about certain things
and stop caring too much, and just let everything be.
So that it can just be whatever it is.

I need to find something to lose myself in.
Things are going to change and soon, but I get impatient sometimes.
It's always when we least expect things to change that they do.
In some pretty big ways, too.