Sacrificial Substitutes

I know I've been writing a lot about 'The Work.'
It's been on my mind for some time. I'm leaning towards it pretty heavily.
Not only does it make sense to me, but been trying to substitute other things for it.
Which is what I've been doing trying to find my happiness on the outside.

Lately I've wanted to retreat. More than ever.
Not just because it's getting colder and I'm in hibernation mode.
It's more than this. I'm having connection issues with people.
Sometimes I think I have a connection and it turns out that it isn't.
That it never was what I wanted it to be.
People can seem super interested and then not.
It gets super confusing and frustrating. Yet I'm not allowed to talk about it.
I have to let it just be whatever it is and I'm never sure of what it is.
Which makes me want to disconnect. Become completely detached.
Be just as cold as some people are to me.
But I won't. I will try. I keep trying.

Anyway, this is why I keep writing about 'The Work.'
Because I'm still resisting this frozen state I'm in.
The reactions I keep getting from people and the reactions I'm having to people.
I don't know what to make of it.
There's no accounting for them being the way they are.
In general and towards me. I'll admit it has been confusing this past week.

I get it, I'm boring. I don't talk about the things you wished I talked about.
I'm not outgoing or social or any of that. People get bored easily. Of me. I get it.
I'm not the best conversationalist or the best at expressing myself.
Or have the most interesting things to say. I'm just me.
People seem to want and/or need a lot of stimulation that I can't provide.

This is why I write about the things I write about.
Because that is the path that I'm on. You don't have to take it.
You have your own paths. Everyone does.
I feel like I'm walking alone. I often do. Which is fine.
Maybe it's this way because it was meant to be this way.
Maybe there's someone out there who's been looking for me, waiting for me.
Maybe we'll find each other. I hope we do. It will be amazing!
But the point is to be happy no matter what is going on.
No matter who finds me or doesn't. No matter who blows me off, etc.
Rejection? Bah, that's nothing. Shouldn't be.
Something's only something if it means something.

I would love to mean something. I feel like I do not.
Have felt this way for as long as I can remember.
Not that I want to be the most significant person on earth,
just significant to someone.
But my happiness cannot depend on conditions.
Or else it isn't true happiness. Conditions change. Rapidly.
One day you feel like you're something, the next... Not so much.
And I don't even know why I feel like this.
Why mattering matters to me. Why does it? Because it feels nice when I think I do.
For that moment, for that night, for that time? Temporary.
Like I'm good enough in the moment, but... Whatever.

This is why I wish people would figure out what they want.
And tell me what they want. So I don't feel like I'm being strung along all the time.
So I'm not wondering wtf I said or did to cause such a huge change.
Practically overnight. But there's no accounting for people.
So they still get to do whatever they want.
I don't even want to be affected anymore. I don't.
Because it's highs and lows. When you're happy to talk,
and then they change their minds or something. I don't know what happens.
But whatever it is, it keeps happening, and it just plain sucks.
So my happiness can't depend on whether or not that happens.
Because if I let it ride on that, I'll never be happy.
Which is why I keep saying I need to take a step back.
Because I'm feeling pretty disatisfied with the external.
Not that I feel all that satisfied with the internal.
But the reason I'm feeling disatisfied with the external
is because I haven't been doing much of 'The Work'
Just thinking about it, writing about it, reading about it. It's time. For me.

Otherwise I'm going to keep having these reactions to getting blown off.
Reactions to how people have been treating me lately.
Like I only matter sometimes, if at all.
People don't like being treated the way they treat me. It is a fact.
If I was as cold to them as they are to me, they'd legit hate me.
I'd be 'the b*tch.' For leading people on, teasing them, blowing them off.
I don't get how people can be so nice, friendly, even intimate one day
and then act so distant and expect me not to even notice. I don't get it.

I don't want a substitute for the real f*cking thing. It won't do.
Either people are in or out. I don't do well with the hot cold sh*t. Never have.
If they think they can do better, go ahead. Do better.
But when you miss me, don't just come back to do it all over again.

Anyway, this is the quandary I'm at. This junction I've been at.
Explore this or explore that. But this is part of that.
Because these reactions I keep getting, these feelings that keep coming up
are part of a larger issue. Because I'm not happy about it. I'm really not.
There are reasons I'm not happy about it and I have to figure out
what this is actually about because it's been driving me crazy.
I know it isn't about seeking approval.
It's about wanting actual intimacy with specific people.
A real, TRUE connection. Something real and meaningful.
Even a strong, powerful friendship. It doesn't have to be a relationship.
Truth be told, I'm probably not ready for a relationship.
Besides, how rare is it
that someone actually feels the same way about me that I do about them?
Even though I want that, a lot, it's not the time or it would be happening.
It's extremely frustrating when I think it is happening when it isn't.
I know I can't expect it to happen, but it wouldn't kill people to stop pretending.
If they don't feel it, they don't feel it. It is okay.
People's feelings change. I get it. 

Yes, I want more out of life and from myself.
I need to really figure out these emotional triggers.
Because the ways I've been feeling don't make the sun shine.

There were a couple of really big highs for me. Now what? I don't get it.
It's been so damn confusing! Just be upfront with me. Honest. Somebody. Please.
I don't want to wonder wtf is going on. All. The. Time.
Saying this and that and the other thing, then I'm wondering.
I really don't know what to think about it.
So maybe I should be thinking about other things instead.
Like 'The Work.' It isn't a dance class or a club. It is a commitment.
Unlike any commitment I will get from anything or anyone.
Because most people are not loyal. Not even friends.
Yet they are allowed to be whatever they are. Wherever they are.

I get confused a lot when it comes to people. I really do.
I start wondering if they ever meant anything they've said to me.
Or if it was just something to say in the moment.
I don't enjoy thinking like this, but since I'm wondering,
these are the kinds of things that I wonder.
Because of the stark contrast.

If people were more straightforward and upfront...
But talking about how I feel is 'being dramatic' when it's just being honest.
I want to be able to open up in a one-to-one conversation
and just lay it out, everything, and just talk about it. Get it over with.
Keeping this stuff to myself is driving me crazy.

Anyway, I'd gladly sacrifice some things for something real to take their place.
Sacrifice these feelings, these thoughts, this mood, this discontent.
This confusion, this uncertainty, this illusion.
If it's not what it's not, then it is not. I'd rather see that now.
I feel like I'm still going to be pretty disappointed, but it's not what it's not.

I heard something a while back. I forget from where.
"Sometimes things have to fall apart to come together
in the way they were meant to be."

I'm just feeling very confused and I am not happy about it.
Don't even know what to do about it.
What would you do?