Perceptions & Communication

Communication has always been really important to me.
I really enjoy depth, and bonding. I get a lot out of it. It benefits me a lot.
Everyone has certain needs and desires when it comes to communicating.
Some people even lack certain communication skills. I do.

I know it isn't all about me and what I want. It's not.
I'm just feeling very confused and I feel like I'm left hanging constantly.
Also, I don't know how to communicate my communication needs or desires.
Even if I did, maybe I need or want too much.
It's not up to everyone to please me.
Just as it is not up to me to please everyone. I get it.

I'm just confused because I saw it a certain way before
and now I see it another way. That I feel like my needs aren't being met.
I know it isn't up to others to meet my needs.
I just would rather my needs be acknowledged if they can't be met.
So that I know that they know what I think I need
even if what I think I need is irrational or unrealistic.
It would help a lot. Just to know that they know.
Of course they won't know unless I tell them, but they never ask.
It never seems to be the right time to talk about it
or even suggest that we talk about it
and more often than not, they don't want to talk about it
and they even avoid talking about it.

I'm not sure if I feel this way because I feel like I'm not getting any validation,
Or if it is because I feel like I'm not worthy of their time.
The time that it would take to talk about it.

I also feel like I'm being irrational by having these feelings.
But I can't ever talk about my feelings. I have to put it in writing.

I don't know why I keep seeking this validation from people who won't give it.
Or even why it's so important to me that I'm seeking it in the first place.

Maybe as some recognition that this is how I feel and why.
Just to know that someone knows.

I used to blame others for 'hurting' me.
Even though some things they did or didn't do did hurt. At the time.
But it wasn't exactly about what they did or didn't do.
It's how I felt about what they did or didn't do.
Because it was a habit, I'm still tempted to blame them when I feel hurt.
I know, now, that it is more about my perception of what they did or didn't do
than what was done or not done.
I know this, but it's still a big challenge for me.
Because I still get the same feelings I used to have
and I still don't know what to do about it. (The pain).

This is the kind of stuff I want to talk about. So that I don't have to keep it in.
Because when I keep it in like I always have,
I'm tempted to 'deal' with it in the same ways that do not work.
I'm also tempted to feel the same ways I have always felt.
Ways I don't want to keep feeling.
The more I keep it inside, the longer these feelings last.
Sometimes I think I feel sick because there is no release for this pain.
So it manifests in other ways. Like actual pain.

Maybe I perceive it to be painful when it's not intended to be.
Maybe I just want my perceptions to be acknowledged.

Like: "I know it looks like I'm being distant with you
and it looks like I'm not giving you much, if any of my time."

Or: "I know it looks like I'm not putting in a lot of effort."
"I know it looks like you aren't important to me, but you are."
"I know it looks like things aren't progressing between us, but I need some time."
"I know it looks like I'm being insensitive, I'm sorry."
Any of these would work and they'd put my mind at ease.
That is the power of communication.

"I know it looks like this, but it's really like this."

But they don't know how I see it. Just that I pull further away.
I had this thing where I would retreat because feelings would come up
that I couldn't even explain because I thought it was about them,
but it was actually about me and how I was looking at the situation.
About how I was looking at the fact that my needs were not being met.
And how I felt about it. Like they just didn't want to meet me half way
or any part of the way.
I am still learning to process my emotions and I'm not good at it.

I would retreat and retract myself. I'd purposely give them space
and wait until they came to me, if they did.
And we'd still not talk about it. Just pretended like nothing happened.
But after a long time pretending like nothing happened,
those feelings would come back even stronger than they were before.
They'd get stronger and stronger until I pushed the person away completely.
Because, again, I thought it was about them 'hurting' me.
Instead of me feeling hurt and not being able to talk about this made it worse.

It's not the easiest thing to talk about with people.
Especially not the most comfortable thing to talk about.
People tend to avoid things that are not easy or comfortable.
Also, people get defensive
because they don't want to be accused of 'hurting' someone.
Especially when they never intended to in the first place.

I know that not everything is as it seems. I get that.
But talking about it is important.
Because you might not know how someone else sees it.
Or that it would help to acknowledge the perception that brought the feeling up.
To acknowledge that it's not easy dealing with these emotions.
Especially when they have to do it on their own.
To acknowledge the importance of talking about it.
To honor their feelings because it honors them.

Makes them feel important, loved, supported. Etc.

Anyway, I can't sleep. Been up all night trying to sleep.
I'm a bit grumpy because I'm tired and haven't slept well in months.
Got all this stuff on my mind and trying to figure some things out.
Because a lot of emotional stuff is coming up for me lately.
It's overwhelming and I feel like I'm being played because it looks that way.
Even if I was, it would be my own damn fault.