If I Could Have ONE Last Chance...

When I was probably at my worst... I tried to date.
I met a guy who I never expected to meet, who impacted me, deeply.
I didn't realize it at the time. How deeply he'd affect me.
Yes, I loved him, very much. Still do...
But there was so much in the way of my ever being able to be
Anything close to what he deserved.
I was extremely toxic. For him, for everyone, even for myself.
I tried to contact him a couple years ago. Had NO right to even try.
I didn't even have the right approach or the right words.
I think about him. I think about how I treated him.
He never deserved any of that. I wish, very badly, that I could apologize.
From my heart and my soul. Not just because I owe it to him,
but because he deserves an apology. Not just any half-assed apology.
No lip service. No bullshit. An honest, REAL apology.

But I can't even contact him, ever again. I f*cked up the last chance I got.
If I could have ONE last chance, to tell him...
I'd tell him that I never deserved to have him in my life.
That I'm sorry that I couldn't be and wasn't what he needed me to be for him.
That I'm sorry that I took him for granted, that I was selfish.
And that I didn't and couldn't see how selfish I truly was.

I do not expect to ever hear from him again, or see him again,
to get a chance to tell him these things. Ever.
I don't deserve to even have a MOMENT of his time.

I wish I had been better for him, so much better.
I wish I had woken up a long time ago.
I wish I had realized these things so much sooner.
When I had the chance to tell him these things.

That no matter what I do or say, it will never change anything.
It's not about him seeing me differently or changing his mind about me.
It isn't about me wanting to get back together or getting back together, at all.

It's that I finally realized what I should have known all along.
That I know that I really hurt him and I never meant to.
He'd never have done to me what I did to him.
I sit with the guilt and shame a lot. I have to let it go and finally forgive myself.
Whether or not he forgives me. Or even can forgive me. Or wants to.

I treated him so badly. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't.
Even when I could have and should have apologized, I didn't.
I wasted every chance I ever had with him. While we were together,
even up to this very day. There's been a lot of regret. For years and years.

And I'm not writing this to try to make myself feel better.
The apology itself isn't to assauge my guilt or any of that.
He truly deserves the apology. I owe it to him.
And the apology isn't because I owe it to him.
I am truly sorry and I regret being the way I was towards him and in general.
It's something I have to live with for the rest of my life.
It's not about me or for me. It's about him and for him.

I know that I won't get the chance. I've blown it. I know it.
I know that I don't deserve the chance. If I ever got ONE last chance.
I would do my damnest not to waste it.
To try to express how much he did mean to me
and what we had still means to me.
How worthy and deserving he is of what I could have been
and can never be for him.
I'm better today because of him.
Because I finally woke up and realized how much he meant to me.

He didn't need my insecurities, my instability, my insanity.
I needed him and not for his security, stability, or sanity.
I needed him to show me what I was unable to see all those years ago.

I truly want what is best for him.
I never was and never will be what was or is best for him.

I wish I could have realized before it was too late.