It feels really weird. Being on the verge.
Because I feel like I'm in both my old life and stepping into a new one.
Sometimes. Not all the time. I know it's supposed to feel good, though.
It's supposed to feel exciting and refreshing and all that stuff.
But it feels weird. Probably because I'm still resisting.
I have no other reason for it to feel the way it does.
But the new life isn't why I'm doing this work. It isn't for the outcome.
The outcome is a byproduct of this.
It's mostly because I want to become effective.
Stable, stronger, secure. All of those things. Happy, even.
Without the things that I thought were supposed to bring that.
I want to be able to say, "Yes, I can." And mean it.
Fully believe it and feel it. I believe it would feel really good.
Just to know that I finally can.
"Success comes in cans." - Bob Moawad.
It's one of the best quotes I've found.
It would feel good to be confident, finally.
And not pretend to be confident. None of that false belief crap.
Actually believe in myself and my abilities.
That's why I want to do the work. So I can feel like that.
So that I can be better than I am now and have been.
Not to rub it in anyone's face, or to be better than anyone.
Not even to prove anything to anyone. Maybe to myself, if anyone.
That I've been wrong about myself, all this time.
Sometimes I feel good about the possibilities and it really feels good.
Other times I feel sad. It's kind of like grieving. It's weird.
Kind of like when I first quit drinking and I was extremely emotional.
It does feel like grieving, though. Grieving my old life.
Like part of myself was dying and it was my addiction dying.
The first 3 months were the hardest for that.
Music helped get me through that really rough time.
I'd listen to certain songs and cry and cry and cry.
I had to get it out. I still have stuff to get out.
I still have loses to grieve that I haven't allowed myself to grieve.
I don't know if or when that will happen.
But I feel like I'm on the verge of one of those adjustments.
It's hard to explain in any other way, other than that.
If you've ever been through that, you'll know what I mean.
I don't know why I've been so emotional tonight. For the past several nights.
It happens more at night than during the day.
Like as soon as night falls, I start falling apart. It's weird and crazy
and I don't like it. I know I'm allowed to have feelings,
but I don't like coming undone as soon as the sun goes down.
I feel like a mess more often than not.
"Experiencing short-term pain for long-term gain
is often part of the learning and growing process."
There's an example in this book about an experiment involving a frog.
The frog starts off in a pot of cold water,
and the temperature slowly increases and it is so slight
that the frog doesn't feel it and decides to stay in the pot.
By the time the water is boiling, it is too late for the frog.
That's what it's like staying in our comfort zone.
The world just keeps passing us by. I don't want to be like that frog.
I don't want to continue to live like I've been living,
or thinking the way I've been thinking, or feeling the way I've been feeling.
Only, I don't know another way, yet. I'm paving a new way.
By first recognizing that I don't have to live like this.
I don't have to think like this, I don't have to feel like this.
We don't have to continue being numb to everything.
I've been numb for far too long and when I started feeling things again,
I started feeling all the feelings I had been trying to avoid feeling
because I didn't want to feel like that, but they started surfacing.
The thing is, they are still surfacing.
But feeling that way means I can feel other ways,
even though those feelings haven't surfaced, as often as the other ones.
"When we are willing to examine our hurts, fears,
and dysfunctions, healing begins."
"Each challenge we face
contains an opportunity that is usually greater
than the problem itself."
This part about how our past can influence our future,
but the past doesn't have to determine the future...
"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."
Because I feel like I'm in both my old life and stepping into a new one.
Sometimes. Not all the time. I know it's supposed to feel good, though.
It's supposed to feel exciting and refreshing and all that stuff.
But it feels weird. Probably because I'm still resisting.
I have no other reason for it to feel the way it does.
But the new life isn't why I'm doing this work. It isn't for the outcome.
The outcome is a byproduct of this.
It's mostly because I want to become effective.
Stable, stronger, secure. All of those things. Happy, even.
Without the things that I thought were supposed to bring that.
I want to be able to say, "Yes, I can." And mean it.
Fully believe it and feel it. I believe it would feel really good.
Just to know that I finally can.
"Success comes in cans." - Bob Moawad.
It's one of the best quotes I've found.
It would feel good to be confident, finally.
And not pretend to be confident. None of that false belief crap.
Actually believe in myself and my abilities.
That's why I want to do the work. So I can feel like that.
So that I can be better than I am now and have been.
Not to rub it in anyone's face, or to be better than anyone.
Not even to prove anything to anyone. Maybe to myself, if anyone.
That I've been wrong about myself, all this time.
Sometimes I feel good about the possibilities and it really feels good.
Other times I feel sad. It's kind of like grieving. It's weird.
Kind of like when I first quit drinking and I was extremely emotional.
It does feel like grieving, though. Grieving my old life.
Like part of myself was dying and it was my addiction dying.
The first 3 months were the hardest for that.
Music helped get me through that really rough time.
I'd listen to certain songs and cry and cry and cry.
I had to get it out. I still have stuff to get out.
I still have loses to grieve that I haven't allowed myself to grieve.
I don't know if or when that will happen.
But I feel like I'm on the verge of one of those adjustments.
It's hard to explain in any other way, other than that.
If you've ever been through that, you'll know what I mean.
I don't know why I've been so emotional tonight. For the past several nights.
It happens more at night than during the day.
Like as soon as night falls, I start falling apart. It's weird and crazy
and I don't like it. I know I'm allowed to have feelings,
but I don't like coming undone as soon as the sun goes down.
I feel like a mess more often than not.
"Experiencing short-term pain for long-term gain
is often part of the learning and growing process."
There's an example in this book about an experiment involving a frog.
The frog starts off in a pot of cold water,
and the temperature slowly increases and it is so slight
that the frog doesn't feel it and decides to stay in the pot.
By the time the water is boiling, it is too late for the frog.
That's what it's like staying in our comfort zone.
The world just keeps passing us by. I don't want to be like that frog.
I don't want to continue to live like I've been living,
or thinking the way I've been thinking, or feeling the way I've been feeling.
Only, I don't know another way, yet. I'm paving a new way.
By first recognizing that I don't have to live like this.
I don't have to think like this, I don't have to feel like this.
We don't have to continue being numb to everything.
I've been numb for far too long and when I started feeling things again,
I started feeling all the feelings I had been trying to avoid feeling
because I didn't want to feel like that, but they started surfacing.
The thing is, they are still surfacing.
But feeling that way means I can feel other ways,
even though those feelings haven't surfaced, as often as the other ones.
"When we are willing to examine our hurts, fears,
and dysfunctions, healing begins."
"Each challenge we face
contains an opportunity that is usually greater
than the problem itself."
This part about how our past can influence our future,
but the past doesn't have to determine the future...
"We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."
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