Been Thinking A LOT

When you spend the majority of your time alone, you tend to think a lot.
There are times I really suffered because I felt lonely.
I felt totally isolated and alone. It's okay to be alone.
There were times I felt really lonely
when I was with people who didn't understand. That was a really horrible feeling.
Was worse than actually being alone.

I used to feel the need to have people in my life.
I wanted people to want to be part of my life.
I wanted people to understand and I wanted to connect on my level.
Instead of always trying to connect on theirs.
It's hard to explain.
When you're different, it feels different.
You're looked at differently. It makes people feel uncomfortable.
So you start trying to hide the fact that you're different
because you want people to stop looking at you 'that way'
and you want people to feel comfortable around you.
But they still do and they still don't.

I was talking to someone tonight
about how it is okay not to want what I used to want.
About how it is okay not to want what others want.
About how it is okay not to want what others think I should want.
About how I don't expect anyone to understand.

I went from wanting that, to hoping for it, to wishing for it.
To being okay with it and not expecting it.
When someone does, it will be nice.
If someone does, it will be nice.
I can still be open to it and to other possibilities.
But not expecting it leaves it alone. So that it can be as it is.
Without any interference from me whatsoever.

It has been helping me, actually. To see that I don't actually need
to be around people all the time. I don't need to have someone by my side.
I have my writing, my books, my thinking, my work, my space and time.
I have hobbies and interests. People can come and go. Eb and flow.
I don't have to force the tide. Nor do I have to wait for it.
The tide does as it does. I do as I do.
I think as I think. I feel as I feel. I get what I get. I am what I am.
Life continues without the parade of friends, acquaintances, even lovers.

I have considerable things under consideration.
And it's for me to think about and contemplate.
Because I will need these for when I deliberate. De-liberate.
When I become free from the need to be free.

It feels like I am changing. It feels good and scary at the same time.
So the anxiety creeps into feelings of aspiration and inspiration.
It's weird to feel inspired and scared at the same time. It feels weird.
Can't really describe it better than that.

I used to want to have a social life and be more social.
To get social invitations. To be invited to parties.
To get to enjoy the company of other people.
But the more I'm with other people, I feel out of place. I still try, though.
A part of me still wants to belong somewhere in this world.

Been getting a lot of headaches and feeling really sick.
Been pushing through days and days of this.
My head wants to explode. It's not from thinking too much.
It's something else and I don't know what it is.
Haven't gotten my results back from my EEG or my x-ray.
I did get to see my x-ray, though. Of my neck.
I hope that they can find what is wrong soon
so that I can stop feeling like this. It isn't exactly conducive to my healing.
Tonight it is pretty bad and I feel really sick.
Sometimes I get scared that it's something that can't be fixed.
And that I won't get to know once and for all what it is.
That my time is very limitted. That I'm dying.
Well I am dying. I won't live forever.
It's just that physically feeling this way is no way to live.
I carry on despite feeling like I can't. Despite suffering ever day.
Without even knowing why I feel like this.
I need to see a doctor, a good one. One who knows what tests I need.
One who will help me get those tests.

Sometimes I worry so much that I can't sleep,
then I come on here to write, because it gives me something else to focus on.

I've had a lot on my mind lately and haven't been able to talk about it.
Which also isn't a very good feeling.
I can't even write about some of the stuff. So I write about other things.
My head hurts, my neck hurts, my back hurts.
Being in pain constantly is exhausting and frustrating.
Being in so much pain that I feel sick just sucks.
This is why I've been writing so much, but also because I've been reading a lot.
I've been learning stuff. I feel better emotionally than I have for a while,
but physically, I have these challenges. They take a toll.
Inability to sleep because I can't relax. It hurts too much.

I want my results soon. I want to see a neurologist.
I want to know if my brain is okay.
I want to know if it is getting enough oxygen and blood.
I want to know that my arteries are okay.
I want to know if there were any complications from my head injury.
I want to stop feeling sick 98% of the time.
I want to smoke a joint and get some sleep.
I want to feel normal so that I may resume my life on my own terms.
Seems like a lot to want. Is it? Do I want too much?

I want someone to brush my hair, sing me a song, help me sleep.
I know that sounds weird. It would be so comforting.

I want to get a letter in the mail from someone who cares and understands.
With photographs enclosed.

I want lovely dreams and that safe feeling. Warmth and comfort. Sleep.
Wish me luck. I'm going to try.