Authority & Citizenship

I think part of the reason I'm having difficulties impacting myself

is that I see teachers as an authority figure

and I don't see myself as an authority figure. Plus, I rebel against authority.

"Whether they like being followers or resist being followers, 

they want to deal with the teach as an authority

and must go through all their judgments and issues with authority."

The part of the book I'm reading now is about my relationship

to the teacher and to the teaching. 

It's the paradox of not being able to teach myself what I don't yet know.

I'm working on being able to reach myself before being able to teach myself. 

Since there's that paradox, I have to learn while I teach

and teach while I learn.

Part of it is becoming able to trust myself. Which has never been easy for me. 

I don't trust authority because they've always been holding it over me. 

Among other reasons....

But every single authority figure has used their authority to hold over me. 

And I feel like I can't trust people who hold things over me. 

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do that to myself, or to anyone, 

because I know what that feels like, 

but that is always in the back of my mind, I guess.

I know it sounds silly, but this is me getting to the root of an issue.

Also, the teacher said something about citizenship. 

Like actualizing the teaching is like becoming a citizen of another country.

We are expected to abide by the principles and regulations of that country. 

But becoming a citizen is a choice.

And that of certain things we cannot see....
"If you do not see that, the effort should go into seeing it, 

not into attempting to rationalize what you feel like doing.

Regardless of your particular momentary feelings and opinions."

I keep thinking about how I wish others could see certain things. 

I can't force their eyes open for them. 

I might be able to tell them where to look, but it's not up to me what they see. 

It's only up to me what I see. What they see is up to them.

Last night I was telling someone something:
"How you'll see it depends on how you look at it."

Certain aims, goals, regulations (whatever) will produce certain reactions.
"Whatever the reactions are, they are to be understood

and not to be acted out, regardless of what the reactions are."

In the work, the reactions are produced to be understood. 

When we understand why we react that way, 

we can work on those reactions. 

We have to see what we are projecting while we are reacting.
To learn to step away from the projections and reactions themselves. 

So they don't become the most important things, 

understanding them becomes the most important thing. 

The channel closes depending on how we react

and when the channel closes, we aren't learning anything 

and can't benefit from what we can't learn. 

Our attitude can close the door to our connection to our new country.

People won't be allowed to immigrate if they are unwilling 

to do what it takes to be allowed to immigrate.

It's like all the things people have to do to become citizens. 

There's a process that one goes through to immigrate to a new country. 

Including a welcoming ceremony. 

The thing is that every resistance comes from 

an underlying unconscious issue.

"Sometimes it is hard to learn from these observations,

although you might have made them a thousand times.

Every time you identify with your reactions, 

Every time you identify with your emotions as if you didn't know better, 

it's as if you go to sleep." Even while we are awake.

Just because we're conscious doesn't mean we're awake. 

Just because we're awake doesn't mean we're aware.

It's about becoming real, finding out who we really are, 

and learning how to live. I mean REALLY live.

That's why I wasn't happy. I know I'm someone other than I've always been. 

I haven't figured out how to REALLY live.

I haven't felt REALLY alive.
But I know how it feels to feel barely alive. I'm not happy with that. 

It's not satisfying to live like we're barely alive. I get it. 

I don't like it and I don't want to live this way.