Happy Canada Day

It's that time again. Last year, I stayed home all day.
All I did was try to figure out that filezilla thing. That was all.
This year, I'm going to do something. Go outside. Somewhere.
I generally avoid going down town for Canada Day.
Because there are thousands of people there.
Lots of drunk people. Lots of cops everywhere.
Basically have to 'swim' through the sea of people.
I never liked crowds. Feels like being boxed in. I don't like it.
Next year is going to be Canada's 150th. So that will be very big.
Maybe even more people than usual. Lots of people come here
from all over the place to celebrate here because it's the capital of Canada.

Things are going pretty well. There are only a couple things that bother me.
One is that I'm going to have to work on accepting things that bother me.
Because they are not going to change. I have to tolerate them.
Even though they bother me so much.
My worry is that the resentment is going to build
until I can't suppress it anymore. Maybe some compromise or something,
but it's just really hard to accept and tolerate things that really get to me.
Especially when other people either don't realise how much it bothers me,
or they don't care. I keep it to myself,
but there's only so much I can put up with.
I'd prefer that those things didn't bother me at all.
That I could accept or tolerate bad habits.
Because they aren't really a big deal, they just bother me.
There's tolerating, barely tolerating, accepting, and ignoring.
I wish I could just ignore it. But for whatever reason, I can't.

I wish I could just say: "I wish you wouldn't do that. It bothers me a lot."
Or "I wish you wouldn't do it, It disgusts me."

I don't know how else to go about talking about some things.
So I don't talk about them. But they bother me so much.
Because they bother me so much and I keep it to myself,
there's a lot of resentment being repressed. Or suppressed.
Nothing changes of course and the cycle continues. So does the madness.

Also, I need some more time to myself. By myself. To do my stuff.
I should be taking it, but I haven't. There is no balance.
Which I need. Which I've always needed.
But I find myself doing things for other people
rather than for myself when I do have time.
Things have to change and I have to do things differently
and look at things differently so that I will be happier. Hopefully.

Another thing that needs to change is my sleeping schedule.
Been staying up really late again. Which has been a problem in the past.
I used to work nights, which is probably how it started.
But I haven't been working there for a long time now.
I think I stay up because I get some of that much needed alone time.
I seem to get a 'second wind' at night.
I seem to get to sleep easier if I'm really tired.
All these excuses I come up with. I know they are excuses.
I know what isn't working and what needs to be fixed.
But I don't know how to fix it.
All I know is that it needs to be fixed. Or that some things need to change.

I'm wondering what it will be like in a year from now.
A lot has already changed from a year ago.
All these changes have happened pretty fast.
I'm trying to get used to things, even the things that bother me so much.
Keeping it to myself is not working.