Spring is here, and I've been spring cleaning.
Since I left facebook, I have a lot more time to do things.
It's only been a couple days. I kind of miss it, but I knew
that it was getting to be an issue for me.
It may as well be called freebase or spacebook.
People totally space out on facebook.
Anyway, only 2 more weeks. 14 days.
I already made a reservation to a restaurant I've always wanted to go to.
Even when I used to date a long time ago,
I rarely ever went on actual dates.
And I've always wanted to go there on a date.
I will get to go, soon.
Been clearing away a lot of stuff that I don't need.
It feels good, but at the same time, it feels pretty strange.
All the 'clutter' was cluttering up my mind.
I knew it, but didn't know where to start.
So I started with just doing one or two things per day.
So today I was sorting some papers and I'll recycle most of them.
Then I'll do some laundry and wash the floors.
Been low on energy and relying on caffeine more and more.
I know that's part of the reason my energy has been low.
Just trying to do whatever to get through this.
Getting through it, a bit at a time, is helping me feel better.
About the situation and about myself.
Also, been updating my gallery with my photos.
It would be nice if I could sell something, but I'm not holding my breath.
I rarely get to sell any of my stuff. It would be nice if I could, though.
Maybe one day. Something. Who knows?
Plus, I haven't been knitting or crocheting much.
Been hard for me to relax and sit still.
I know it's as much of the caffeine as it is just the anxiety.
Knowing that is half the battle, I guess.
I hate feeling like this, but at the same time, I hate not having any energy.
Less is definitely more. A lot more.
Just getting down to the bare basics can be hard to do.
Especially when people are used to having things
even when those people don't actually need those things.
I don't know why I save things I don't actually need.
Why do I feel like I need things that I don't need?
I really don't like feeling like I need things that I don't actually need.
It's like some weird compulsion thing and it's bothering me.
I know that I should just accept that I'm like this,
but the more I accept it, the more I will enable myself
to keep living this way and I don't want to live this way.
If having nothing would bring me the peace of mind I really want,
then I'd rather just have nothing.
It's just really hard when people live in such a material world to give up
that way of thinking, being, doing. Living.
If I were stripped of all my possessions, it would feel really weird for a while,
but I'd get used to not having much of anything and I'd feel better.
Like how closing my facebook account feels now. It feels strange,
but when it's completely gone, I'll be used to not having it and will feel fine.
When I used to have cable t.v, I was used to having it.
When I didn't have it anymore, it felt strange.
But now, I haven't had it in a few years and I feel okay.
I've gone without the internet for a while.
That was one of the hardest things to get used to not having.
Let's just say that I did a lot more reading, knitting, crocheting,
and listening to the radio. Eventually, I got used to not having internet,
but it took a long time to get over not having it,
and a long time to get used to it.
It just goes to show us how much we take for granted,
and how addictive things can get/be.
Sure, the internet is great and all,
but how much stuff could people actually get done without it?
People have the potential to be so productive,
if their focus is in the right direction.
We can't see the silver lining on the clouds if we just see the darkest ones.
We can't see the flowers if we only see the grass and the dirt.
Most of the time we only see what we want to see and nothing more.
Like wishing we could see the things we need to see,
but refusing to take the blindfold off.
That's what it's been like for me for so long.
It's great finally knowing that, but convincing myself
that I don't actually need the blindfold is another story.
It's like this:
"I have a blindfold so I don't need to see all the scary things in life.
But I can't see where I need to go and what I have to do to get there
with this stupid blindfold on all the time...
But if I take the blindfold off, I'll have to see all the scary things."
What is more important?
Seeing where you need to go and what you must do to get there?
Or keeping yourself 'safe' from all the scary things?
It's like that time my kid was learning how to play hide and go seek.
Just because he couldn't see me, didn't mean I couldn't see him.
Just because we refuse to see the scary things
doesn't mean they don't exist. They never stopped existing.
Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.
When we can see things for what/how they really are,
we also have the choice in how to handle those things.
When we refuse to even see them,
how are we supposed to choose how to handle them?
We refuse to see them, refuse to handle them, wishing they'd go away.
But it never works that way, because it doesn't work that way.
Things only get done when we get them done.
Otherwise, they just simply don't get done.
Wishing they were already done or someone would do them for us
doesn't get them done. We have to do them ourselves.
The best part is the satisfaction when they do get done.
Since I left facebook, I have a lot more time to do things.
It's only been a couple days. I kind of miss it, but I knew
that it was getting to be an issue for me.
It may as well be called freebase or spacebook.
People totally space out on facebook.
Anyway, only 2 more weeks. 14 days.
I already made a reservation to a restaurant I've always wanted to go to.
Even when I used to date a long time ago,
I rarely ever went on actual dates.
And I've always wanted to go there on a date.
I will get to go, soon.
Been clearing away a lot of stuff that I don't need.
It feels good, but at the same time, it feels pretty strange.
All the 'clutter' was cluttering up my mind.
I knew it, but didn't know where to start.
So I started with just doing one or two things per day.
So today I was sorting some papers and I'll recycle most of them.
Then I'll do some laundry and wash the floors.
Been low on energy and relying on caffeine more and more.
I know that's part of the reason my energy has been low.
Just trying to do whatever to get through this.
Getting through it, a bit at a time, is helping me feel better.
About the situation and about myself.
Also, been updating my gallery with my photos.
It would be nice if I could sell something, but I'm not holding my breath.
I rarely get to sell any of my stuff. It would be nice if I could, though.
Maybe one day. Something. Who knows?
Plus, I haven't been knitting or crocheting much.
Been hard for me to relax and sit still.
I know it's as much of the caffeine as it is just the anxiety.
Knowing that is half the battle, I guess.
I hate feeling like this, but at the same time, I hate not having any energy.
Less is definitely more. A lot more.
Just getting down to the bare basics can be hard to do.
Especially when people are used to having things
even when those people don't actually need those things.
I don't know why I save things I don't actually need.
Why do I feel like I need things that I don't need?
I really don't like feeling like I need things that I don't actually need.
It's like some weird compulsion thing and it's bothering me.
I know that I should just accept that I'm like this,
but the more I accept it, the more I will enable myself
to keep living this way and I don't want to live this way.
If having nothing would bring me the peace of mind I really want,
then I'd rather just have nothing.
It's just really hard when people live in such a material world to give up
that way of thinking, being, doing. Living.
If I were stripped of all my possessions, it would feel really weird for a while,
but I'd get used to not having much of anything and I'd feel better.
Like how closing my facebook account feels now. It feels strange,
but when it's completely gone, I'll be used to not having it and will feel fine.
When I used to have cable t.v, I was used to having it.
When I didn't have it anymore, it felt strange.
But now, I haven't had it in a few years and I feel okay.
I've gone without the internet for a while.
That was one of the hardest things to get used to not having.
Let's just say that I did a lot more reading, knitting, crocheting,
and listening to the radio. Eventually, I got used to not having internet,
but it took a long time to get over not having it,
and a long time to get used to it.
It just goes to show us how much we take for granted,
and how addictive things can get/be.
Sure, the internet is great and all,
but how much stuff could people actually get done without it?
People have the potential to be so productive,
if their focus is in the right direction.
We can't see the silver lining on the clouds if we just see the darkest ones.
We can't see the flowers if we only see the grass and the dirt.
Most of the time we only see what we want to see and nothing more.
Like wishing we could see the things we need to see,
but refusing to take the blindfold off.
That's what it's been like for me for so long.
It's great finally knowing that, but convincing myself
that I don't actually need the blindfold is another story.
It's like this:
"I have a blindfold so I don't need to see all the scary things in life.
But I can't see where I need to go and what I have to do to get there
with this stupid blindfold on all the time...
But if I take the blindfold off, I'll have to see all the scary things."
What is more important?
Seeing where you need to go and what you must do to get there?
Or keeping yourself 'safe' from all the scary things?
It's like that time my kid was learning how to play hide and go seek.
Just because he couldn't see me, didn't mean I couldn't see him.
Just because we refuse to see the scary things
doesn't mean they don't exist. They never stopped existing.
Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there.
When we can see things for what/how they really are,
we also have the choice in how to handle those things.
When we refuse to even see them,
how are we supposed to choose how to handle them?
We refuse to see them, refuse to handle them, wishing they'd go away.
But it never works that way, because it doesn't work that way.
Things only get done when we get them done.
Otherwise, they just simply don't get done.
Wishing they were already done or someone would do them for us
doesn't get them done. We have to do them ourselves.
The best part is the satisfaction when they do get done.
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