Was thinking a lot at work last night. Thinking about things is important to do from time to time. Most of us think thoughts that we have already thunk lots of times.
I read or heard somewhere that a really high percentage of the thoughts we have,
we have already had. But there are times we think about things that we never thought of before. Things that we think about for a reason.
Sometimes that reason is what we need to catapult us into new ways of thinking.
Often without that reason, we don't think of those things, at all. Ever.
Last night, I was thinking about how people have their reasons for 'caring'.
Caring about others. How other people are doing,
caring about what other people are doing, or NOT doing,
caring what others think of them.
Caring about how they look to others. Caring about how others see them.
Caring about how they present themselves... Etc... But... WHY?!!!
Why do we care about so many things that don't really matter?
Especially about what other people think of us.
Is it because our need for approval is so wrapped up in what others think of us?
"What other people think, is none of my business."
"Seeking approval from others blinds us from seeing
that the only approval we ever needed is from ourselves."
I forget who said that. It is a quote I got from somewhere, but I forget who said it.
Also, there's another quote I got from somewhere:
"People will forget what you said, what you did,
but they will NEVER forget how it made them feel."
The things we do and don't do, do affect other people. Whether we want to admit it or not.
I was thinking about how I used to care A LOT about how people saw me, what they thought of me. I wanted approval like I wanted love and air to breathe. (For Capricorns, wanting air to breathe is pretty much the same as wanting to love and be loved).
I wanted approval from everyone. I feel like I should be putting forth an effort, but at the same time... Not too much of an effort. Also, not caring if other people put forth the same effort that I do.
I'd like to think that I am a good person. I try to be. I want to be. Just to be. Not because I think people would like me more if I was. I want to be able to like myself more. I want reasons to like myself more than I do. I'm starting to. I see that I'm not really a bad person. I do make mistakes. I do mess up. More often than I would like. If I could be perfect, I would try my best to be. I know that it isn't possible to be perfect.
"If you aim to please everyone, you will end up pleasing none."
I'd like to be able to go to sleep at night (or during the day) and be satisfied. Saying to myself: "Today was a good day because I helped someone." Or just making a difference would be awesome. I often feel like despite all the efforts I make, it doesn't make a difference. No matter what I do. I hate feeling like that and I wish I never felt like that, ever. But, I still do at times.
It used to REALLY bother me that many in my family would push me away and just not show they cared at all. It really did bother me a lot. Facebook was a big reason why I felt that way. The whole "like" thing is about approval. Approval seeking people will wonder why other people don't 'like' what they post. I was noticing that my cousins were not 'liking' anything I posted. "Because I was the one posting it." Is what I thought. Which may be true. But, it doesn't matter. There is so much more to life than FACEBOOK and so much more to life than the INTERNET. I feel bad for people who would rather text someone than have a REAL conversation with someone sitting right next to them.
I had to have this talk with a friend who has obvious addiction issues. When I go to visit him to 'hang out'... He'll be on facebook like 80+% of the time. I try to be patient with him. I've even told him what it is like from the other person's perspective.
Like: "Why am I even here if he'd rather be talking to someone else?" I didn't get through to him because he still does it. It annoys the F*CK out of me. But I try to be patient, understanding. It's not him, it's the addiction. I keep telling myself this. Over and over again.
Like when I was drinking a lot and I'd become someone completely different...
That wasn't ME. That was my addiction. That's why I am able to forgive people who just lose control to their addictions. It doesn't make their actions or inactions any less sh*tty, but I know that they are still the same people, inside. That is what matters.
Someone I cared about did that to me before. He knew I was in recovery. I only had 6 months in. He went on a bender and called me when he was "blacked out" (his words, not mine). It was really frustrating for me to deal with him in that condition. BUT, I was willing to look past that and see that it was his addiction, not HIM. He was the same person I cared for. Yes, even loved. Which maybe made it easier for me to forgive him. I know I should just let that go and not think about it anymore. Part of forgiving is letting go. Forgiveness + Letting Go = Moving on. I was just using that instance as an example of how people are still people and NOT their addictions or mistakes. So now that I used the example, it's done. Over. Finished.
People who live in the past have a lot of regret. Regretting things they said, things they did or didn't do... Regretting not haven taken opportunities when they were available etc... There are lots of regrets people have in life. But all of these are because they are thinking of the past. The past cannot be changed. It can not be redone. It is gone. Over.
The people who live in the past are there for a reason. Some comfort there. Something that they get from it, that they don't even need. Wanting something that they cannot get. How can you get something that is already gone? Like waiting for the ice cream truck to leave BEFORE you decide you actually wanted some ice cream. Obviously, by this time, it is too late. Why do people wait until it is too late? Why do they do that?
A lot of people get used to certain feelings. Even though they don't even want to feel that way anymore. So the patterns that produce those feelings are the patterns they stick with. It is what they know. They feel comfortable with what they already know.
When I was really depressed... I was getting used to it. I was depressed for so long that it was getting to be all I really knew how to feel. Which, yeah, is scary. Why was I depressed? Mostly because of REGRET and all the feelings that came from regret. Shame is a product of regret. (More about this later).
I was talking about my cousins not caring. About anyone but themselves... Anyway, it made me feel rejected because I could not 'fit in with' or be 'accepted by' them. My own family. Family is where we learn to establish our sense of 'belonging'. I wanted to be accepted because I felt it was important to 'belong'. But then, I realized things. Because I thought about that. For a while. Especially last night.
I asked myself some good questions. "WHY does that matter so much to me?"
The answer is: "Because I care too much."
When we stop caring about things that don't matter, we realize that they really do not matter and never did.
Another question I asked myself:
"Why do I feel bad (unworthy) just because family doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me?"
The answer is: "Because I care too much."
I should ONLY care about people (and things) who (and that) actually matter.
The people I care about matter. The people who don't care about me do not matter.
I wish I had thought about this before. It shouldn't bother me so much that they do not have the same values as I do. Not everyone is going to have the same values as I do. Just because we are family does not mean that we share the same values. Family will always be important to me. And blood SHOULD BE thicker than water, but it's not always the case. I'm not so sure that my family would piss on me if I was on fire. But would I? I probably would. Would they want me to? Would I even be there if that happened? Probably not.
When I was working and a security guard passed me, I said hello to him and he wouldn't say it back. Looked at me and kept walking. "Would it kill you to say hello back?" That kind of bothered me.
Why? "I cared too much." Does it matter to me that he might think he's better than me because he has a job that probably pays more than mine (even though I work harder than he does)? No. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. Or what anyone else thinks of me. They can think badly of me all they want. I know a lot of people at work talk about me when they think I can't hear them. It used to bother me. Not anymore. People will purposely ignore me. Probably because they are ignorant.
Does it matter that they are ignorant? No, it doesn't. That is THEIR problem, not mine.
Does it matter if people talk about me or treat me badly? No, it doesn't.
Do I need to be friendly with people who are unfriendly? No, I don't.
Do I need to base MY self esteem off THEIR opinions of me? No, I don't.
Do I need to feel bad (unworthy) if they snub me? No, I don't.
There's lots of "Do I.... ?" Questions that have the same answer. "No, I do not."
Try asking yourself some of your own. Puts things into a different light.
Someone, from another country, once asked me why Canadians stick to themselves and why they don't make contact as often as in other countries.
I didn't know the answer to that. I'm guessing it is because a lot of people are COLD. They don't care. I tend to isolate myself A LOT. More, lately, than I have in the past. Is it because I don't care? Maybe. Maybe I cared so much about others and saw how they didn't care about me that being alone felt better. It's a really crappy feeling to not feel included. When I lived in group homes and places like that... I felt lonely. Even though there were always others there. I felt like I never belonged with them, or belonged there. It's a kind of loneliness being around the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong place...
There's something about being alone that feels more comfortable, now, than it ever did. I'm not sure why that is.
Is it because I have a lot of work to do on myself and don't need other people distracting me?
Is it because being around some people makes me feel uncomfortable?
Do I feel (deep down inside) like I belong on my own?
Is it because I am starting to trust myself more than I trust others?
There might be lots of reasons why I find myself alone and why I find it not to be such a bad thing anymore.
I read or heard somewhere that a really high percentage of the thoughts we have,
we have already had. But there are times we think about things that we never thought of before. Things that we think about for a reason.
Sometimes that reason is what we need to catapult us into new ways of thinking.
Often without that reason, we don't think of those things, at all. Ever.
Last night, I was thinking about how people have their reasons for 'caring'.
Caring about others. How other people are doing,
caring about what other people are doing, or NOT doing,
caring what others think of them.
Caring about how they look to others. Caring about how others see them.
Caring about how they present themselves... Etc... But... WHY?!!!
Why do we care about so many things that don't really matter?
Especially about what other people think of us.
Is it because our need for approval is so wrapped up in what others think of us?
"What other people think, is none of my business."
"Seeking approval from others blinds us from seeing
that the only approval we ever needed is from ourselves."
I forget who said that. It is a quote I got from somewhere, but I forget who said it.
Also, there's another quote I got from somewhere:
"People will forget what you said, what you did,
but they will NEVER forget how it made them feel."
The things we do and don't do, do affect other people. Whether we want to admit it or not.
I was thinking about how I used to care A LOT about how people saw me, what they thought of me. I wanted approval like I wanted love and air to breathe. (For Capricorns, wanting air to breathe is pretty much the same as wanting to love and be loved).
I wanted approval from everyone. I feel like I should be putting forth an effort, but at the same time... Not too much of an effort. Also, not caring if other people put forth the same effort that I do.
I'd like to think that I am a good person. I try to be. I want to be. Just to be. Not because I think people would like me more if I was. I want to be able to like myself more. I want reasons to like myself more than I do. I'm starting to. I see that I'm not really a bad person. I do make mistakes. I do mess up. More often than I would like. If I could be perfect, I would try my best to be. I know that it isn't possible to be perfect.
"If you aim to please everyone, you will end up pleasing none."
I'd like to be able to go to sleep at night (or during the day) and be satisfied. Saying to myself: "Today was a good day because I helped someone." Or just making a difference would be awesome. I often feel like despite all the efforts I make, it doesn't make a difference. No matter what I do. I hate feeling like that and I wish I never felt like that, ever. But, I still do at times.
It used to REALLY bother me that many in my family would push me away and just not show they cared at all. It really did bother me a lot. Facebook was a big reason why I felt that way. The whole "like" thing is about approval. Approval seeking people will wonder why other people don't 'like' what they post. I was noticing that my cousins were not 'liking' anything I posted. "Because I was the one posting it." Is what I thought. Which may be true. But, it doesn't matter. There is so much more to life than FACEBOOK and so much more to life than the INTERNET. I feel bad for people who would rather text someone than have a REAL conversation with someone sitting right next to them.
I had to have this talk with a friend who has obvious addiction issues. When I go to visit him to 'hang out'... He'll be on facebook like 80+% of the time. I try to be patient with him. I've even told him what it is like from the other person's perspective.
Like: "Why am I even here if he'd rather be talking to someone else?" I didn't get through to him because he still does it. It annoys the F*CK out of me. But I try to be patient, understanding. It's not him, it's the addiction. I keep telling myself this. Over and over again.
Like when I was drinking a lot and I'd become someone completely different...
That wasn't ME. That was my addiction. That's why I am able to forgive people who just lose control to their addictions. It doesn't make their actions or inactions any less sh*tty, but I know that they are still the same people, inside. That is what matters.
Someone I cared about did that to me before. He knew I was in recovery. I only had 6 months in. He went on a bender and called me when he was "blacked out" (his words, not mine). It was really frustrating for me to deal with him in that condition. BUT, I was willing to look past that and see that it was his addiction, not HIM. He was the same person I cared for. Yes, even loved. Which maybe made it easier for me to forgive him. I know I should just let that go and not think about it anymore. Part of forgiving is letting go. Forgiveness + Letting Go = Moving on. I was just using that instance as an example of how people are still people and NOT their addictions or mistakes. So now that I used the example, it's done. Over. Finished.
People who live in the past have a lot of regret. Regretting things they said, things they did or didn't do... Regretting not haven taken opportunities when they were available etc... There are lots of regrets people have in life. But all of these are because they are thinking of the past. The past cannot be changed. It can not be redone. It is gone. Over.
The people who live in the past are there for a reason. Some comfort there. Something that they get from it, that they don't even need. Wanting something that they cannot get. How can you get something that is already gone? Like waiting for the ice cream truck to leave BEFORE you decide you actually wanted some ice cream. Obviously, by this time, it is too late. Why do people wait until it is too late? Why do they do that?
A lot of people get used to certain feelings. Even though they don't even want to feel that way anymore. So the patterns that produce those feelings are the patterns they stick with. It is what they know. They feel comfortable with what they already know.
When I was really depressed... I was getting used to it. I was depressed for so long that it was getting to be all I really knew how to feel. Which, yeah, is scary. Why was I depressed? Mostly because of REGRET and all the feelings that came from regret. Shame is a product of regret. (More about this later).
I was talking about my cousins not caring. About anyone but themselves... Anyway, it made me feel rejected because I could not 'fit in with' or be 'accepted by' them. My own family. Family is where we learn to establish our sense of 'belonging'. I wanted to be accepted because I felt it was important to 'belong'. But then, I realized things. Because I thought about that. For a while. Especially last night.
I asked myself some good questions. "WHY does that matter so much to me?"
The answer is: "Because I care too much."
When we stop caring about things that don't matter, we realize that they really do not matter and never did.
Another question I asked myself:
"Why do I feel bad (unworthy) just because family doesn't mean the same to them as it does to me?"
The answer is: "Because I care too much."
I should ONLY care about people (and things) who (and that) actually matter.
The people I care about matter. The people who don't care about me do not matter.
I wish I had thought about this before. It shouldn't bother me so much that they do not have the same values as I do. Not everyone is going to have the same values as I do. Just because we are family does not mean that we share the same values. Family will always be important to me. And blood SHOULD BE thicker than water, but it's not always the case. I'm not so sure that my family would piss on me if I was on fire. But would I? I probably would. Would they want me to? Would I even be there if that happened? Probably not.
When I was working and a security guard passed me, I said hello to him and he wouldn't say it back. Looked at me and kept walking. "Would it kill you to say hello back?" That kind of bothered me.
Why? "I cared too much." Does it matter to me that he might think he's better than me because he has a job that probably pays more than mine (even though I work harder than he does)? No. It doesn't matter what he thinks of me. Or what anyone else thinks of me. They can think badly of me all they want. I know a lot of people at work talk about me when they think I can't hear them. It used to bother me. Not anymore. People will purposely ignore me. Probably because they are ignorant.
Does it matter that they are ignorant? No, it doesn't. That is THEIR problem, not mine.
Does it matter if people talk about me or treat me badly? No, it doesn't.
Do I need to be friendly with people who are unfriendly? No, I don't.
Do I need to base MY self esteem off THEIR opinions of me? No, I don't.
Do I need to feel bad (unworthy) if they snub me? No, I don't.
There's lots of "Do I.... ?" Questions that have the same answer. "No, I do not."
Try asking yourself some of your own. Puts things into a different light.
Someone, from another country, once asked me why Canadians stick to themselves and why they don't make contact as often as in other countries.
I didn't know the answer to that. I'm guessing it is because a lot of people are COLD. They don't care. I tend to isolate myself A LOT. More, lately, than I have in the past. Is it because I don't care? Maybe. Maybe I cared so much about others and saw how they didn't care about me that being alone felt better. It's a really crappy feeling to not feel included. When I lived in group homes and places like that... I felt lonely. Even though there were always others there. I felt like I never belonged with them, or belonged there. It's a kind of loneliness being around the wrong people, at the wrong time, in the wrong place...
There's something about being alone that feels more comfortable, now, than it ever did. I'm not sure why that is.
Is it because I have a lot of work to do on myself and don't need other people distracting me?
Is it because being around some people makes me feel uncomfortable?
Do I feel (deep down inside) like I belong on my own?
Is it because I am starting to trust myself more than I trust others?
There might be lots of reasons why I find myself alone and why I find it not to be such a bad thing anymore.
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