Well yesterday, I got some news about my Grandmother. My brother was calling from my Mom's. She asked him to call me and tell me.
They had to put my Grandmother on oxygen. Just not sure what to think or feel about it and don't really have anyone to really talk about stuff that's on my mind. So just been here, thinking.
I have a friend who I sometimes tell stuff to, but it's like most of my 'friends' don't actually care. They just want me around so they are not lonely or they need me to do something for them. That is what it seems like to me. Also, when I need something, it's very hard to get it. But I have a hard time asking for what I need. From anyone. I feel like it's my responsibility to do everything for myself. Because I've been taught at an early age that I'm the only one who will ever be there for me.
So been thinking a lot about my Grandmother these days. Also been wondering if anyone will be there for me like how I'm there for her. I want to think there will be, but I'm scared that there won't be. So often hope and fear have these battles against each other. I don't want to be afraid of these things. Just I see how most of my family treats her and I don't want that to be me one day.
I keep thinking about how mad I will be seeing the fake tears from my cousins when the day comes that my Grandmother isn't with us any longer. They were never there to see the very REAL tears she cried over THEM for not having anything to do with her. I was.
I've been thinking about that conversation I had with my mother about that. How my cousins will all be crying at her funeral.
My mother said: "It's like WTF are YOU crying for?! Not like you even knew her!" (About my cousins).
If anyone should be, it's me. I'm the closest to her. My family seems to hate me for that. Someone said because they are jealous of me and also because it makes them look bad for not being there. But because they are NOT THERE, they make themselves look bad. And being there isn't about making anyone look bad. It's about BEING there. FOR her. She was there FOR me. She was the ONLY one who NEVER gave up on ME. Can I say that about anyone else in my life? No, I can't. And THAT is what unconditional love IS. That is what makes our bond so strong. I KNOW she loves me. No matter WHAT. You know that love a mother is supposed to have for their child? That's what it feels like with her. I haven't felt that way with my own mother in a really long time. I don't think I'll ever have that with her. So I'm lucky to have it at all. Damn lucky. And I know I am.
That's ALL I ever wanted so at least I got to experience it once in my life. I want to think that once is all I'll ever need. Love is so important to Capricorns. Even if we don't want to admit that it's what we want above all else, that is what we want above all else. We'll try to pretend that we don't care about it (which never works or fools anyone). We're too honest to pull off pretending. The only things that stop us from success in life (because we have such a high potential) are our thoughts and emotions. Because they affect one another, and then affect us as a whole, it's a constant struggle. Like we're too busy struggling to be what we have every likelihood to be. Once we don't have to fight with ourselves anymore, it's pure victory.
Saturn is very strict. The planet of the Capricorns. We're so serious most of the time that we have a hard time letting go of it to just be ourselves. There's a very few people I feel absolutely comfortable being myself with, Those are the people who already know how messed up I am and who still accept me for all the mess that is me.
They had to put my Grandmother on oxygen. Just not sure what to think or feel about it and don't really have anyone to really talk about stuff that's on my mind. So just been here, thinking.
I have a friend who I sometimes tell stuff to, but it's like most of my 'friends' don't actually care. They just want me around so they are not lonely or they need me to do something for them. That is what it seems like to me. Also, when I need something, it's very hard to get it. But I have a hard time asking for what I need. From anyone. I feel like it's my responsibility to do everything for myself. Because I've been taught at an early age that I'm the only one who will ever be there for me.
So been thinking a lot about my Grandmother these days. Also been wondering if anyone will be there for me like how I'm there for her. I want to think there will be, but I'm scared that there won't be. So often hope and fear have these battles against each other. I don't want to be afraid of these things. Just I see how most of my family treats her and I don't want that to be me one day.
I keep thinking about how mad I will be seeing the fake tears from my cousins when the day comes that my Grandmother isn't with us any longer. They were never there to see the very REAL tears she cried over THEM for not having anything to do with her. I was.
I've been thinking about that conversation I had with my mother about that. How my cousins will all be crying at her funeral.
My mother said: "It's like WTF are YOU crying for?! Not like you even knew her!" (About my cousins).
If anyone should be, it's me. I'm the closest to her. My family seems to hate me for that. Someone said because they are jealous of me and also because it makes them look bad for not being there. But because they are NOT THERE, they make themselves look bad. And being there isn't about making anyone look bad. It's about BEING there. FOR her. She was there FOR me. She was the ONLY one who NEVER gave up on ME. Can I say that about anyone else in my life? No, I can't. And THAT is what unconditional love IS. That is what makes our bond so strong. I KNOW she loves me. No matter WHAT. You know that love a mother is supposed to have for their child? That's what it feels like with her. I haven't felt that way with my own mother in a really long time. I don't think I'll ever have that with her. So I'm lucky to have it at all. Damn lucky. And I know I am.
That's ALL I ever wanted so at least I got to experience it once in my life. I want to think that once is all I'll ever need. Love is so important to Capricorns. Even if we don't want to admit that it's what we want above all else, that is what we want above all else. We'll try to pretend that we don't care about it (which never works or fools anyone). We're too honest to pull off pretending. The only things that stop us from success in life (because we have such a high potential) are our thoughts and emotions. Because they affect one another, and then affect us as a whole, it's a constant struggle. Like we're too busy struggling to be what we have every likelihood to be. Once we don't have to fight with ourselves anymore, it's pure victory.
Saturn is very strict. The planet of the Capricorns. We're so serious most of the time that we have a hard time letting go of it to just be ourselves. There's a very few people I feel absolutely comfortable being myself with, Those are the people who already know how messed up I am and who still accept me for all the mess that is me.
5 comments:
Sorry to hear about your grandmother Abby. I hope things turn around for her. Speaking of deadbeat friends, I was back in the hood for a little bit last week. I gave you a call but I suppose you were out. I hope everything else is going well for you. Time s like these can be trying.
Thanks, Sean. You're not a deadbeat friend. I know you've been busy. That's understandable. Sorry, I didn't know you were around here and that you had tried to call. If you have some time, maybe we can make some plans and I could go out to your end of town to meet you at the mall out there or wherever. I hope all is well with you.
Oh no worries! I was just in the neighborhood. I'll be back in your hood sometime this week or next week. I'm not sure when yet :S It kinda depends on the renovations and how much I can get done. I'll try to give you a heads up next time though, these days I fly by the seat of my pants a lot. I do have an errand or two to run out there. Orleans is kinda far if you don't have a car. Believe me I know! I used to come out here to visit Jamie from time to time and the bus service was terrible :( One of my Friends says I live halfway to Montreal and she lives closer than you do!
I know how far Orleans is. I used to live out there a long time ago and had to take the bus to school every day. I also went to high school out there for part of the 10th grade. So I do know a bit about Orleans! Haha!
Flying by the seat of your pants isn't that bad. Means you're flexible. Pretty much been doing the same.
And if you're going to be around, it'd be great to see you again! :)
I didn't realize you used to live out here in the boonies! You maybe told me before and I forgot...send me a mail with your work schedule and I'll see if I can arrange it. Probably evenings only..
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