Conflicted

Since I got back from Niagara Falls, things have been falling apart. Things were going well before I left. Maybe a little too well.

But now things are NOT ideal. Far from ideal.

I had hopes that things were going to work out. I still want them too. My feelings haven't changed, but everything else has and I don't know what to do anymore.

My Grandmother is still in the hospital. They moved her to another room. Hopefully she gets better care there. She's sad in lonely in there and my Aunt (who I saw today) wanted to put restrictions on me seeing her. I do understand that she has to have tests and stuff, but I don't want her sitting in there all lonely. She's in a bigger room with people to talk to now, and she seems to be doing better than she was initially. Still far from better. When my Aunt got there, I had to leave. She really rubs me the wrong way and am glad that she's not my mother. I'm glad I don't have to see her every day. I can only stand being in the same room as her for about 5 minutes and then I got to leave. And the relief I feel when I'm away from her is beyond anything I can describe. I don't like that I feel that way about my Aunt, but she really isn't the most pleasant person to be around. And that's putting it nicely.

I want to write about the other stuff that has been going on in my life, but will probably get to that another time. Still thinking about it so much and it's bothering me, a lot. But now is not the time to write about it on here.

All I can say is that the ideas I had in my head and in my heart are just not the same as they could be in real life. I'll probably never know for sure, but what I do know is... That often things don't happen the way we wanted them to. There's a different plan than the ones we try to make for ourselves.

I haven't been jogging for a while. I need to get back into it now that I'm back and now that my ankles are doing better. I stopped because my ankles were sore. I need to get back into things I pushed aside for whatever the reasons. I always feel good after a run and I need that now more than anything.

I need to take a break from social media sites. Like Facebook and Wireclub. I took my profile off that dating site. I've considered myself unavailable for about a month now. Maybe I still will be. I gotta get my priorities in check. I got to get my life together. I have to get my head straight. Too much has been throwing me for a loop. Especially this week. This week has been pretty bad in terms of stress.

More headaches than usual. Migraines. Just felt ill all day. Well, last week I have been, too. But today especially. I have to go to work tomorrow night. I have to get my errands done early and then try to get more sleep.

My heart says one thing, but my head says another. I want to follow my heart, I really do, but...
Why does this have to be such a hard choice? Of course I want to choose love.
But seriously, who could love me? With all my flaws? Who can accept my past?
Who could forgive me for the mistakes I make? Who could want me for me?
Even if they could... Would it be enough to build off of? Not that I'd really want more. Just reasons that it would work, could work. Not reasons why it couldn't.