So, being stuck inside my own mind... As I always am... Guess I've been isolating myself more and more lately. It's another catch 22. It's like my whole life is a catch 22.
That thing I said about dating is true:
Being depressed because I can't get a date, and then not being able to get a date because I'm depressed.
Sort of like that work experience thing, too.
No job = no experience, but no experience = no job...
So I've been thinking it is the same with this isolation stuff.
I feel depressed because I'm isolating myself, but I isolate myself because I'm depressed.
I don't know why I went back on that dumb dating site again. I guess it does work for some people, but it's not working for me. I get no replies. I get no messages. I get nothing. So what is the point? Also, been seeing my ex on there a lot lately. Nice to know he's looking again, I guess, but it's just giving me a weird feeling and I just can't take it anymore. So I guess there really is no point in it anymore. Not like I'm dateable or anything anyway.
Yes, I'm depressed. VERY. I haven't been this depressed in a while. Last month I was finally doing better. Was even a bit optimistic about life in general. Not this month. It comes and goes, but this time... It just feels stronger than it's been in a while. Even my counsellor said that last week was the 'darkest' he's ever seen me. In months. I don't usually let it show, but it does come out. I usually feel like this, just sometimes it is so strong that it's hard to hide from the world. Unless I isolate myself, like I've been doing.
Partly because I want to stay away from drinking. Every time I go ANYWHERE I see reminders of alcohol. Everywhere. Because it IS everywhere. You know what my counsellor told me? He told me to stay away from places that have alcohol. Well it's EVERYWHERE I go, if I go outside. I see something that triggers me to want to drink. And staying in my room, is safer. It seems. Even though, I'm depressed doing it and doing it because I'm depressed. There are people I'd rather not interact with. Like people in my building who ask me stupid personal questions that are none of their business. So I stay home and pretend I'm not home. Sometimes, if I have nothing pressing to do, I'll stay at home for a few days at a time. Not even looking out the windows. Maybe the fact that all I can see is the highway, is depressing. People going places, who have lives... It's worse than looking at some empty field. I hate it. I can't even drive and I have to be reminded of this fact every time I look outside? So I just don't.
So, I had a bit of a surprise recently. Someone invited me to something. A burlesque show. A co-worker invited me. Not sure why he invited me since this is the first time he invited me to anything. He knows I quit drinking and that I'm having a hard time with it. He'll likely be drinking. So will pretty much everyone there. I'm thinking about going since this is my first invitation from him. I also need to get out, apparently. But I just know that it's going to be hard to not drink around people who are, when it's available, and when I still want it so badly. Like I feel empty without it. I feel like I can't even be myself. Especially being depressed like this. Seeing others enjoying the things I can't have in my life anymore. It makes me feel like I'm always going to be missing something.
Being single, still makes me feel that way, too. Although, I know I shouldn't be dating until I'm really ready this time. Because if I'm not really ready, it'll be for the wrong reasons and probably won't work out. Probably why I'm still single.... But anyways... I need to convince myself that I'm not missing anything being single. Or being sober. And those are both VERY hard for me to do at the moment. I have so much to focus on, like getting myself out of this rut I've been in, my recovery, etc. Building myself up. I should have zero time to even THINK about booze or boys. But yet, I still do. It makes me angry that I do. STILL. Even after all the negative experiences I've had with both over the years... I'm supposed to be investing in MYSELF for a change. Getting my life to where I want it and always wanted it to be. Getting MYSELF to where I want and always wanted to be... There are times that I do feel capable of doing that, but they are just few and very far between. When I was learning things, I felt great. I felt capable. I felt like I can at least learn something. This is what I should be doing. Learning. Something. Every day. I wish I could go back to school. Just can't afford to. Owe too much money as it is. I just need the proper training in the proper field to get a career going for myself and I'd probably be much happier. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere with my life to feel good. I don't always need others to be happy. I just need to succeed. At life. At pretty much anything to feel something worth feeling. To feel worthy.
That thing I said about dating is true:
Being depressed because I can't get a date, and then not being able to get a date because I'm depressed.
Sort of like that work experience thing, too.
No job = no experience, but no experience = no job...
So I've been thinking it is the same with this isolation stuff.
I feel depressed because I'm isolating myself, but I isolate myself because I'm depressed.
I don't know why I went back on that dumb dating site again. I guess it does work for some people, but it's not working for me. I get no replies. I get no messages. I get nothing. So what is the point? Also, been seeing my ex on there a lot lately. Nice to know he's looking again, I guess, but it's just giving me a weird feeling and I just can't take it anymore. So I guess there really is no point in it anymore. Not like I'm dateable or anything anyway.
Yes, I'm depressed. VERY. I haven't been this depressed in a while. Last month I was finally doing better. Was even a bit optimistic about life in general. Not this month. It comes and goes, but this time... It just feels stronger than it's been in a while. Even my counsellor said that last week was the 'darkest' he's ever seen me. In months. I don't usually let it show, but it does come out. I usually feel like this, just sometimes it is so strong that it's hard to hide from the world. Unless I isolate myself, like I've been doing.
Partly because I want to stay away from drinking. Every time I go ANYWHERE I see reminders of alcohol. Everywhere. Because it IS everywhere. You know what my counsellor told me? He told me to stay away from places that have alcohol. Well it's EVERYWHERE I go, if I go outside. I see something that triggers me to want to drink. And staying in my room, is safer. It seems. Even though, I'm depressed doing it and doing it because I'm depressed. There are people I'd rather not interact with. Like people in my building who ask me stupid personal questions that are none of their business. So I stay home and pretend I'm not home. Sometimes, if I have nothing pressing to do, I'll stay at home for a few days at a time. Not even looking out the windows. Maybe the fact that all I can see is the highway, is depressing. People going places, who have lives... It's worse than looking at some empty field. I hate it. I can't even drive and I have to be reminded of this fact every time I look outside? So I just don't.
So, I had a bit of a surprise recently. Someone invited me to something. A burlesque show. A co-worker invited me. Not sure why he invited me since this is the first time he invited me to anything. He knows I quit drinking and that I'm having a hard time with it. He'll likely be drinking. So will pretty much everyone there. I'm thinking about going since this is my first invitation from him. I also need to get out, apparently. But I just know that it's going to be hard to not drink around people who are, when it's available, and when I still want it so badly. Like I feel empty without it. I feel like I can't even be myself. Especially being depressed like this. Seeing others enjoying the things I can't have in my life anymore. It makes me feel like I'm always going to be missing something.
Being single, still makes me feel that way, too. Although, I know I shouldn't be dating until I'm really ready this time. Because if I'm not really ready, it'll be for the wrong reasons and probably won't work out. Probably why I'm still single.... But anyways... I need to convince myself that I'm not missing anything being single. Or being sober. And those are both VERY hard for me to do at the moment. I have so much to focus on, like getting myself out of this rut I've been in, my recovery, etc. Building myself up. I should have zero time to even THINK about booze or boys. But yet, I still do. It makes me angry that I do. STILL. Even after all the negative experiences I've had with both over the years... I'm supposed to be investing in MYSELF for a change. Getting my life to where I want it and always wanted it to be. Getting MYSELF to where I want and always wanted to be... There are times that I do feel capable of doing that, but they are just few and very far between. When I was learning things, I felt great. I felt capable. I felt like I can at least learn something. This is what I should be doing. Learning. Something. Every day. I wish I could go back to school. Just can't afford to. Owe too much money as it is. I just need the proper training in the proper field to get a career going for myself and I'd probably be much happier. I need to feel like I'm getting somewhere with my life to feel good. I don't always need others to be happy. I just need to succeed. At life. At pretty much anything to feel something worth feeling. To feel worthy.
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