This month has been one of the hardest months for me. Quitting drinking has been one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know that you may think it's no big deal, but it's so unbelievably hard! I always felt like I needed it, because it made me feel better... It was the one thing that would always be there for me. That I could count on. Even though I was slowly killing myself with it...
I just want to get better. I want to feel better. I know what would make me feel so good... I'd love to have something to look forward to. Something that I waited for, for a long time... Something that I could be excited about and happy. Something that nobody would take away, this time.
Last week, I thought I had something to look forward to, but he kept taking it away like it didn't matter to me... Because it didn't matter to him that I was happy... Or would have been happy had he just followed through... I get stood up constantly... It hurts. Guys have 2 choices: Be a gentleman, or be a jerk. Most of them choose to be jerks. I don't know why... Y'know what? Girls can only stand so much heart ache and heart break... Sometimes girls get their heart broken way too many times and they just want to jump off the deep end. And a lot of times, they do... A lot. I did.
What do I really want? I wish I could wake up and FEEL something other than this. I want to feel... Good. I want to feel hopeful. I want to have faith, but I've lost it. I feel like I've lost everything. All in one month... And it's too much to carry that around with me... I think of things I know I shouldn't think about. Things that I just can't talk about on here... They are really messed up thoughts. And nobody would understand. To be honest, I don't think they really care to understand. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like I am. If I wasn't so strong, I would have given up years ago. I'm tired of fighting this daily battle with my addiction. With all these feelings.
All I need to know... Is when will this get better? When can I feel like I don't want to drink anymore? When can I feel good? Like I should? I just want to be happy! I'm angry and depressed at the same time. It's a month of grieving over several losses... 5 stages of grief, but I have to come to terms with the last one... Acceptance. I guess I'm in denial... Like denying myself acceptance... Denying that this is what has become of my life... In only one month I've gone into such a downward spiral and all I want is STRENGTH and HOPE, FAITH... And you know what the last one is... What it's always been... The one very thing that hangs over my head... Like the Cheshire Cat... Grinning at me and laughing. Then disappearing.... Into nothingness.
I just want to get better. I want to feel better. I know what would make me feel so good... I'd love to have something to look forward to. Something that I waited for, for a long time... Something that I could be excited about and happy. Something that nobody would take away, this time.
Last week, I thought I had something to look forward to, but he kept taking it away like it didn't matter to me... Because it didn't matter to him that I was happy... Or would have been happy had he just followed through... I get stood up constantly... It hurts. Guys have 2 choices: Be a gentleman, or be a jerk. Most of them choose to be jerks. I don't know why... Y'know what? Girls can only stand so much heart ache and heart break... Sometimes girls get their heart broken way too many times and they just want to jump off the deep end. And a lot of times, they do... A lot. I did.
What do I really want? I wish I could wake up and FEEL something other than this. I want to feel... Good. I want to feel hopeful. I want to have faith, but I've lost it. I feel like I've lost everything. All in one month... And it's too much to carry that around with me... I think of things I know I shouldn't think about. Things that I just can't talk about on here... They are really messed up thoughts. And nobody would understand. To be honest, I don't think they really care to understand. I know I'm not alone, but I feel like I am. If I wasn't so strong, I would have given up years ago. I'm tired of fighting this daily battle with my addiction. With all these feelings.
All I need to know... Is when will this get better? When can I feel like I don't want to drink anymore? When can I feel good? Like I should? I just want to be happy! I'm angry and depressed at the same time. It's a month of grieving over several losses... 5 stages of grief, but I have to come to terms with the last one... Acceptance. I guess I'm in denial... Like denying myself acceptance... Denying that this is what has become of my life... In only one month I've gone into such a downward spiral and all I want is STRENGTH and HOPE, FAITH... And you know what the last one is... What it's always been... The one very thing that hangs over my head... Like the Cheshire Cat... Grinning at me and laughing. Then disappearing.... Into nothingness.
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