One of the friendships I was trying so hard to save is pretty much over now. It hurts a lot but I know that I can't do anything to fix it. That it's over. As much as it still hurts to think about it.
When things were good, they were so good and I was so happy.... It all fell apart so fast.
Mostly because I was trying to be patient but I just couldn't and the communication was not where it should have and could have been. Not near the end. But I still wanted to fight for it because it was worth so much to me. But at the end, I felt it was really one-sided.
The changes I made recently, had a lot to do with him. Everything for the last 3 months had a lot to do with him. But I was not a priority. I got so many mixed messages. I was so confused and frustrated. 90% of it was just chaos.
I'm emotionally unstable. I have been for a long time. I don't know how to control my emotions. All I do is FEEL everything all the time and I react to those feelings. If I could respond to those feelings maybe I could overcome them and I wouldn't be so overwhelmed.
I guess I feel overwhelmed because everyone keeps giving up on me. Leading me on, getting my hopes up, then... Walking away from me, leaving me hanging. I don't know what to do and every time I do something, or say something, it's always the wrong thing and has the opposite results than I had wanted.
I know I'm sick in my mind. Overcoming an addiction is not easy to begin with, having feelings for someone who doesn't appreciate you as a person is not easy either. My friends all told me not to bother anymore, but I kept trying. Because that's how bad I wanted it. They all told me to walk away. A long time ago, but all those times I felt so happy and good, I wanted those to continue. Because that is what was giving me hope.
In recovery, most of it is HOPE, FAITH, TRUST.... That's pretty much all I have. I don't have and may never have love in my life to give me those things. I keep thinking: yes, I do need that. Because this is where I get strength from, and courage, and all kinds of things that are all very positive, but I know nobody is going to want to be that pillar of strength for me. Not as long as I am stuck, hurting the way I do. Every time someone hurts me, it takes me a long time to get past it and move on. I don't know why I can't let go. I want to, I need to... It's just like physically or psychologically impossible for me to move on. To just let go.
I have the mind of an addict. A damaged mind, a damaged soul, just everything about me is damaged. Because of this damage the one thing I've always wanted for myself is too out of reach and will remain out of reach. There's nothing I can do about that, it's just the way things are. I hate the way things are, I always want to fix things that are broken, but it's so damn hard to fix myself. I know I have to do it for me. So I can finally grow, and be the person I want to be, and be happy.
But when I get hurt, the progress just stalls and I remain here thinking: I probably shouldn't have done that. Or maybe I shouldn't have done it that way. Or I should have waited longer, or thought things over longer... The progress stops. The pain just eats away at me until it subsides and I feel strong enough to keep going.
It's one of those nights where I'm in pain, have nobody to blame, but myself... Looking at all the mistakes I made... Learning from them, but still not learning enough, fast enough to not make the mistakes in the first place... The mind of an addict doesn't work that way... There is no rationality, there is no logic, there is no trying to make sense of what does not make sense. It is existing, frustrated, hurt, scared, alone. All the time, every day, every night... Sitting up at night, thinking, alone, angry, frustrated...
Nothing ever just goes 'right' despite my efforts. It just doesn't. I want it to, I try hard, probably too hard.
I wait when I should be trying and I try when I should be waiting...
Then I blame myself for not getting enough done...
Or blame myself for not getting any results at all...
When not everything is even up to me...
I know a lot has to do with other people who are just oblivious.
No matter what I do, they will just never understand why I did any of it.
I'm constantly misunderstood. I hate it. If someone could just see the good in me and appreciate it for what it's worth, maybe I'd have some hope and faith restored.
But tonight is one of those nights that I want nothing more than to just sleep, but I can't even do that. I made mistakes I ruined things more than ever. I still want to fix things because I still care and don't want to give up even though he already gave up on me. But I can't. There is no fixing anything now. All I can do is try to fix myself and that is hard with little hope and little faith. That is hard when I want to love and be loved so badly. Just having that would give me the strength I need to be everything I know I could be. And probably more that I never knew I could be.
I just cannot stop crying tonight. It feels like I lost something when I never had it to lose. It was an illusion of happiness. I was blinded by how much I wanted everything to work out. Because of all the good times that I miss and wish I could have back. I feel like I deserve to be happy and I deserve something good out of life but it's like nobody sees that but me.
I was really at a low tonight. I still am. I haven't been this low for a long time. I wanted to drink it off. I still want to get drunk and not think about it. Not CARE about this anymore. But I know that it's over. I have to accept that. Getting drunk won't change anything, it'll make me feel better for a little while and when it wears off, I'll feel like this all over again. That is why I was addicted to alcohol. It made me feel good. It did something to me that I know I could feel with the right person. Again, this is coming from the mind of an addict who is on the verge of a relapse. I don't even want to share the other thoughts I thought tonight. Because I'm ashamed I thought that way. When I'm hurt, really hurt, I find myself lying to myself to try to make the pain seem minimal... I know the truth has always been staring me right in the face, the whole time, but it's like I cannot see the whole picture. It's like it's so close that it's out of focus. Can't see the forest for the trees, but I know there is a forest there. A dark forest where I cannot see my hands in front of my face. I cannot see where I'm going in the future. That is why I try so hard, just to be able to see where things are going so that I know for sure, without one doubt. Not one. But I keep trying and trying, for more of nothing. I'm so tired of trying, failing, hurting, all of it. I'm just so very tired.
When things were good, they were so good and I was so happy.... It all fell apart so fast.
Mostly because I was trying to be patient but I just couldn't and the communication was not where it should have and could have been. Not near the end. But I still wanted to fight for it because it was worth so much to me. But at the end, I felt it was really one-sided.
The changes I made recently, had a lot to do with him. Everything for the last 3 months had a lot to do with him. But I was not a priority. I got so many mixed messages. I was so confused and frustrated. 90% of it was just chaos.
I'm emotionally unstable. I have been for a long time. I don't know how to control my emotions. All I do is FEEL everything all the time and I react to those feelings. If I could respond to those feelings maybe I could overcome them and I wouldn't be so overwhelmed.
I guess I feel overwhelmed because everyone keeps giving up on me. Leading me on, getting my hopes up, then... Walking away from me, leaving me hanging. I don't know what to do and every time I do something, or say something, it's always the wrong thing and has the opposite results than I had wanted.
I know I'm sick in my mind. Overcoming an addiction is not easy to begin with, having feelings for someone who doesn't appreciate you as a person is not easy either. My friends all told me not to bother anymore, but I kept trying. Because that's how bad I wanted it. They all told me to walk away. A long time ago, but all those times I felt so happy and good, I wanted those to continue. Because that is what was giving me hope.
In recovery, most of it is HOPE, FAITH, TRUST.... That's pretty much all I have. I don't have and may never have love in my life to give me those things. I keep thinking: yes, I do need that. Because this is where I get strength from, and courage, and all kinds of things that are all very positive, but I know nobody is going to want to be that pillar of strength for me. Not as long as I am stuck, hurting the way I do. Every time someone hurts me, it takes me a long time to get past it and move on. I don't know why I can't let go. I want to, I need to... It's just like physically or psychologically impossible for me to move on. To just let go.
I have the mind of an addict. A damaged mind, a damaged soul, just everything about me is damaged. Because of this damage the one thing I've always wanted for myself is too out of reach and will remain out of reach. There's nothing I can do about that, it's just the way things are. I hate the way things are, I always want to fix things that are broken, but it's so damn hard to fix myself. I know I have to do it for me. So I can finally grow, and be the person I want to be, and be happy.
But when I get hurt, the progress just stalls and I remain here thinking: I probably shouldn't have done that. Or maybe I shouldn't have done it that way. Or I should have waited longer, or thought things over longer... The progress stops. The pain just eats away at me until it subsides and I feel strong enough to keep going.
It's one of those nights where I'm in pain, have nobody to blame, but myself... Looking at all the mistakes I made... Learning from them, but still not learning enough, fast enough to not make the mistakes in the first place... The mind of an addict doesn't work that way... There is no rationality, there is no logic, there is no trying to make sense of what does not make sense. It is existing, frustrated, hurt, scared, alone. All the time, every day, every night... Sitting up at night, thinking, alone, angry, frustrated...
Nothing ever just goes 'right' despite my efforts. It just doesn't. I want it to, I try hard, probably too hard.
I wait when I should be trying and I try when I should be waiting...
Then I blame myself for not getting enough done...
Or blame myself for not getting any results at all...
When not everything is even up to me...
I know a lot has to do with other people who are just oblivious.
No matter what I do, they will just never understand why I did any of it.
I'm constantly misunderstood. I hate it. If someone could just see the good in me and appreciate it for what it's worth, maybe I'd have some hope and faith restored.
But tonight is one of those nights that I want nothing more than to just sleep, but I can't even do that. I made mistakes I ruined things more than ever. I still want to fix things because I still care and don't want to give up even though he already gave up on me. But I can't. There is no fixing anything now. All I can do is try to fix myself and that is hard with little hope and little faith. That is hard when I want to love and be loved so badly. Just having that would give me the strength I need to be everything I know I could be. And probably more that I never knew I could be.
I just cannot stop crying tonight. It feels like I lost something when I never had it to lose. It was an illusion of happiness. I was blinded by how much I wanted everything to work out. Because of all the good times that I miss and wish I could have back. I feel like I deserve to be happy and I deserve something good out of life but it's like nobody sees that but me.
I was really at a low tonight. I still am. I haven't been this low for a long time. I wanted to drink it off. I still want to get drunk and not think about it. Not CARE about this anymore. But I know that it's over. I have to accept that. Getting drunk won't change anything, it'll make me feel better for a little while and when it wears off, I'll feel like this all over again. That is why I was addicted to alcohol. It made me feel good. It did something to me that I know I could feel with the right person. Again, this is coming from the mind of an addict who is on the verge of a relapse. I don't even want to share the other thoughts I thought tonight. Because I'm ashamed I thought that way. When I'm hurt, really hurt, I find myself lying to myself to try to make the pain seem minimal... I know the truth has always been staring me right in the face, the whole time, but it's like I cannot see the whole picture. It's like it's so close that it's out of focus. Can't see the forest for the trees, but I know there is a forest there. A dark forest where I cannot see my hands in front of my face. I cannot see where I'm going in the future. That is why I try so hard, just to be able to see where things are going so that I know for sure, without one doubt. Not one. But I keep trying and trying, for more of nothing. I'm so tired of trying, failing, hurting, all of it. I'm just so very tired.
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