So... My day yesterday started off really crappily. I was so tired from working all night and I had to try to get a couple hours of sleep before my appointment in the afternoon... But... They decided yesterday was the perfect day to test the fire alarms...
I took a bus with a neighbor. I told her my interest in going to a meeting so she asked me if I had anyone to go with. I said no. So she met up with a friend of hers for me, to go with me.
I was stressing about getting to the appointment, but as luck would have it... I was on time. Luckily.
I got a bunch of things addressed with that one appointment, so that made me feel so much better.
1) A test that was overdue.
2) A few different referrals
3) Anti-Anxiety medication prescription
4) Acne treatment stuff.
So I left there feeling pretty good. So being on time and getting my issues addressed made me feel so much better. I was still pretty tired.... I was so tired that after having lunch, I was leaving the place, and I was looking for my sunglasses, but they were on my face the whole time!
I walked into the LCBO today just to look around and walk out. It felt good knowing that I could be around alcohol and not want any of it. After that, I went to the grocery store and bought myself a snapple.
I looked at the boats that were on display at the mall...
Then I was so tired I almost got on the wrong bus. Got home and went to bed. Slept for a couple of hours and got a call from a really nice lady who came to pick me up and took me to my very first meeting.
It was a good meeting and I even spoke at the meeting. I'm looking forward to going next week. I got my first recovery chip, too. The "Simple Desire" chip. This is my 6th day. Usually in a week, I would have already drank a few times... But... I'm going to see how far this takes me. I can only get stronger. I can only become a better me. It takes time to detox, but I can do it.
There was a lot said tonight that I can't put in the exact words they used... It was a 'you had to be there' type of thing. I got a few phone numbers. The ladies seem very nice. I don't know why but I'm kind of shy around the guys. Not that I'm there to meet guys. I'm there to implement change. A change I have lots of reasons to make and a change I can feel good about making. I still have empties under my sink. I'm going to ask another friend/neighbor who has a car if she will help me return them so I can get rid of this junk out of my life once and for all... I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't know why I still have it.
So I've been meeting lots of new people lately. Some really great people. People I need to be around because they understand what I'm going through and how hard it is when you're just starting out. I can see this being easier for me than for others. I already sort of went through it when I quit smoking cigarettes. I have other bad habits that I need to quit as well, but there is a saying: "Nobody can row two canoes at the same time." One thing at a time. There are other things to drink that don't have alcohol in them.
I haven't told everyone yet. I told a few people. I'm waiting until I get a few chips and I want to surprise someone with them and the news. I haven't told my mom. I told my baby brother though. Told him not to tell anyone. When I'm ready, I will tell everyone. All that matters is that I'm ready to do this. Also, the reasons I'm doing this matter.
I have counselling on Monday and another meetup meeting. ACIM, which is something I enjoy attending. Then, on Tuesday is my friend's birthday and there is a workshop in the evening. Wednesday is work. Pay day Thursday. I messed up my finances pretty hardcore this month, already, though. So I hope that I'll be able to recover from that, also.
I just can't sleep even though I'm exhausted. Being up all night last night, messed up my sleep cycle. So I gotta fix that by the weekend. And my doctor said the meds might give me insomnia... Great! *sigh* I just don't want to start taking sleeping pills again... I was addicted to those for a while. It got to the point I just could not sleep without them. But this was when my father had died and I kept having weird dreams and nightmares... I gotta try to sleep soon. It's getting really late and I've already been awake a lot longer than I intended to tonight. Just am excited that I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I think each year is a new chapter... It's a chance to start new things, make changes... Good changes, take chances, learn, grow. It's how you grow.
I was surprised by a couple of people's responses to my sobriety, though. First was a 'friend' of mine. She'd only wanted to hang out to go drinking. She was almost angry at me. Said things like 'I don't want to hear it' and 'We only live once so let's drink.' She just wanted someone to drink with. If she was really my friend, she would have respected my choice.
But I cannot wait to surprise someone, in a few months from now. That one person who kept saying "Talk to me when you're sober." As though everything I said was just totally invalid.... Well, GUESS WHAT??!! I'm SOBER! Yes, it's been a week, but next week it will be 2 weeks, by the end of the month it will be 4 weeks. So he can never say that to me again. He'll never know how much it pissed me off that he said that to me and treated me that way. All I wanted from him was to treat me like he treats his other friends... We haven't had much time to reconnect and re-establish the bond that we had that made us friends in the first place, but maybe in a few months... I can show him my chips. Maybe he'll give me that chance, then. Who knows. I keep wanting him in my life but I keep feeling like he doesn't want me in his. I felt that way with a lot of people in my life. A lot of them I had to simply give up on because they would not give me a chance. Instead of being there, they turn their backs so easily, and just look the other way like I do not exist. Being ignored causes the same chemical damage in the brain as being physically injured. A lot of people in my life simply ignore me. Most of my family does. I hate it. I hurts. I hate that it hurts. But I can turn that pain into gain. Because I take away from that facts like: "Maybe since they were not there for me at my weakest, they shouldn't be there for me (all of a sudden) at my strongest." Because they will come to see that I am strong. They might admire me for my strength. I'm not even hoping they do. I don't care what they think. They obviously don't care what I think... So why should they want to be a part of my life when I'm happy, finally? Just because I'm happy, now? Where the f*ck were they when I was down? Where the f*ck were they ALL MY LIFE? I don't need anyone to want to be my friend out of PITY. I need friends who RESPECT me, VALUE me, ENCOURAGE me. I needed that love from my family, too. I'm sorry they will never be as strong as I am to realize that someone needs that from them... Or to realize that they could be that for someone. Or whatever the reason is that they DENIED me. It's not my fault that they are hellbent on living in denial and hating me for realizing things they do not.
Maybe it is because they DENIED me that I wanted it all the more... And suffered the more for wanting it all the more... But, it's not my FAULT. They cannot BLAME ME for their ignorance. I'm sorry they live their lives with their eyes closed to all that they could have had and so much more. They live with such spite towards me that if that spite was love... We'd all be happy. I cannot expect them to 'wake up' all of a sudden and want what they never wanted. To accept what they deny. To stop resisting! Stop resisting my love, people! Stop fighting it! You know you want it.
I took a bus with a neighbor. I told her my interest in going to a meeting so she asked me if I had anyone to go with. I said no. So she met up with a friend of hers for me, to go with me.
I was stressing about getting to the appointment, but as luck would have it... I was on time. Luckily.
I got a bunch of things addressed with that one appointment, so that made me feel so much better.
1) A test that was overdue.
2) A few different referrals
3) Anti-Anxiety medication prescription
4) Acne treatment stuff.
So I left there feeling pretty good. So being on time and getting my issues addressed made me feel so much better. I was still pretty tired.... I was so tired that after having lunch, I was leaving the place, and I was looking for my sunglasses, but they were on my face the whole time!
I walked into the LCBO today just to look around and walk out. It felt good knowing that I could be around alcohol and not want any of it. After that, I went to the grocery store and bought myself a snapple.
I looked at the boats that were on display at the mall...
Then I was so tired I almost got on the wrong bus. Got home and went to bed. Slept for a couple of hours and got a call from a really nice lady who came to pick me up and took me to my very first meeting.
It was a good meeting and I even spoke at the meeting. I'm looking forward to going next week. I got my first recovery chip, too. The "Simple Desire" chip. This is my 6th day. Usually in a week, I would have already drank a few times... But... I'm going to see how far this takes me. I can only get stronger. I can only become a better me. It takes time to detox, but I can do it.
There was a lot said tonight that I can't put in the exact words they used... It was a 'you had to be there' type of thing. I got a few phone numbers. The ladies seem very nice. I don't know why but I'm kind of shy around the guys. Not that I'm there to meet guys. I'm there to implement change. A change I have lots of reasons to make and a change I can feel good about making. I still have empties under my sink. I'm going to ask another friend/neighbor who has a car if she will help me return them so I can get rid of this junk out of my life once and for all... I don't need it. I don't want it. I don't know why I still have it.
So I've been meeting lots of new people lately. Some really great people. People I need to be around because they understand what I'm going through and how hard it is when you're just starting out. I can see this being easier for me than for others. I already sort of went through it when I quit smoking cigarettes. I have other bad habits that I need to quit as well, but there is a saying: "Nobody can row two canoes at the same time." One thing at a time. There are other things to drink that don't have alcohol in them.
I haven't told everyone yet. I told a few people. I'm waiting until I get a few chips and I want to surprise someone with them and the news. I haven't told my mom. I told my baby brother though. Told him not to tell anyone. When I'm ready, I will tell everyone. All that matters is that I'm ready to do this. Also, the reasons I'm doing this matter.
I have counselling on Monday and another meetup meeting. ACIM, which is something I enjoy attending. Then, on Tuesday is my friend's birthday and there is a workshop in the evening. Wednesday is work. Pay day Thursday. I messed up my finances pretty hardcore this month, already, though. So I hope that I'll be able to recover from that, also.
I just can't sleep even though I'm exhausted. Being up all night last night, messed up my sleep cycle. So I gotta fix that by the weekend. And my doctor said the meds might give me insomnia... Great! *sigh* I just don't want to start taking sleeping pills again... I was addicted to those for a while. It got to the point I just could not sleep without them. But this was when my father had died and I kept having weird dreams and nightmares... I gotta try to sleep soon. It's getting really late and I've already been awake a lot longer than I intended to tonight. Just am excited that I'm starting a new chapter in my life. I think each year is a new chapter... It's a chance to start new things, make changes... Good changes, take chances, learn, grow. It's how you grow.
I was surprised by a couple of people's responses to my sobriety, though. First was a 'friend' of mine. She'd only wanted to hang out to go drinking. She was almost angry at me. Said things like 'I don't want to hear it' and 'We only live once so let's drink.' She just wanted someone to drink with. If she was really my friend, she would have respected my choice.
But I cannot wait to surprise someone, in a few months from now. That one person who kept saying "Talk to me when you're sober." As though everything I said was just totally invalid.... Well, GUESS WHAT??!! I'm SOBER! Yes, it's been a week, but next week it will be 2 weeks, by the end of the month it will be 4 weeks. So he can never say that to me again. He'll never know how much it pissed me off that he said that to me and treated me that way. All I wanted from him was to treat me like he treats his other friends... We haven't had much time to reconnect and re-establish the bond that we had that made us friends in the first place, but maybe in a few months... I can show him my chips. Maybe he'll give me that chance, then. Who knows. I keep wanting him in my life but I keep feeling like he doesn't want me in his. I felt that way with a lot of people in my life. A lot of them I had to simply give up on because they would not give me a chance. Instead of being there, they turn their backs so easily, and just look the other way like I do not exist. Being ignored causes the same chemical damage in the brain as being physically injured. A lot of people in my life simply ignore me. Most of my family does. I hate it. I hurts. I hate that it hurts. But I can turn that pain into gain. Because I take away from that facts like: "Maybe since they were not there for me at my weakest, they shouldn't be there for me (all of a sudden) at my strongest." Because they will come to see that I am strong. They might admire me for my strength. I'm not even hoping they do. I don't care what they think. They obviously don't care what I think... So why should they want to be a part of my life when I'm happy, finally? Just because I'm happy, now? Where the f*ck were they when I was down? Where the f*ck were they ALL MY LIFE? I don't need anyone to want to be my friend out of PITY. I need friends who RESPECT me, VALUE me, ENCOURAGE me. I needed that love from my family, too. I'm sorry they will never be as strong as I am to realize that someone needs that from them... Or to realize that they could be that for someone. Or whatever the reason is that they DENIED me. It's not my fault that they are hellbent on living in denial and hating me for realizing things they do not.
Maybe it is because they DENIED me that I wanted it all the more... And suffered the more for wanting it all the more... But, it's not my FAULT. They cannot BLAME ME for their ignorance. I'm sorry they live their lives with their eyes closed to all that they could have had and so much more. They live with such spite towards me that if that spite was love... We'd all be happy. I cannot expect them to 'wake up' all of a sudden and want what they never wanted. To accept what they deny. To stop resisting! Stop resisting my love, people! Stop fighting it! You know you want it.
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