I think awkwardness is the curse of the Capricorn. Social awkwardness that just makes life so damn difficult. Being an introvert trying to interact with other introverts is a challenge of its own. But yeah, you put in someone who's emotions are tangled up in complicated situations...
All this stuff that goes on with the guys in my life. I mean the drama... It's to bring my feelings out. Feelings I'm not exactly ready to deal with.
My last relationship wasn't exactly ideal. If you put two insecure people together and hope they find security in each other... Well... Sometimes it works, but in most cases the insecurities people have with themselves will bleed all over it. Broken hearts just bleeding and those two people damage each other even more. Even without meaning to.
I've had time to think. I realize I do deserve more and maybe most people simply cannot appreciate my efforts. And those who cannot appreciate them will not be able to return the effort. Things have changed a lot. The last few months have been hard, but I'm learning things. I'm starting to feel better than I was before because each day I'm stronger than before.
My ex is STILL contacting me and telling me how happy he is with his new girlfriend... He keeps wondering why we can't be friends and said I'd like his new girlfriend if I met her... Does he seriously think I'd be all like: "Sure! We can still be friends (even though you said all kinds of sh*t about me behind my back, don't trust me, betrayed our trust more than once, keep trying to make me jealous with this new girl?)! I he crazy or is it just me? Do I not deserve better than that? I think I do. I finally realize that people will treat me better. Or at least they should. Should is a lofty word. Like he *should* leave me alone to start my life anew. Without him in it. Instead of asking me for my friendship that he took for granted for all of that time. Got mad at me for not being exactly what he was looking for. Sorry, I'm not perfect. And in case you have not noticed, nobody is. The people who think they have done 'nothing wrong' will not take responsibility for their mistakes. So therefore they will never admit making mistakes... Therefore will never apologize and never deserve another chance.
I've been having other problems in another area. Problems relating. Communicating. I'm not sure what to do about it so I'm leaving it. I try so hard for nothing in return and it frustrates the hell out of me. What also frustrates the hell out of me is having to constantly explain myself to people who don't understand me at all. There are some times when I can get through and we finally agree on something. But getting to that point seems like such a contest of wills... Who will be right? Who wants to be right more? Who wants their feelings validated and appreciated? Who has to struggle harder for recognition? It's the same sh*t over and over and over again! Why can't people stop trying to be right? Why must they be so egotistical? Why must they be so ignorant as to think I'd be comfortable being friends with you after you trash me and meeting your new lover? Can it get any more insensitive and ridiculous than that?
Also I brought a lot of this shit into my life because I was unable to say no! Enough is enough! I could never stand up to anyone and say "Hey! I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore." Because I've been nice. I've tried too hard in a lot of wrong ways. I realize that. Socially, I'm an idiot. I know I am, which makes trying to relate to other people so much harder. But the loneliness is what is making it hard for me. Even though I am alone because I'm supposed to be alone to figure this sh*t out by myself. Even though counselling is helping me see things, I still have to do all this work. And there is a lot of it to do. I'm the one who has to do it for myself. I'm the one I'm doing it for. When I get a lot of this work done I will feel better. I really will. All these setbacks are lessons on how to cope with setbacks. I have come a long way though... Even if I'm the only one who sees it. Not everyone knows my past so they won't see it as much as I do.
I hate when people try to make me look stupid. That really pisses me off. Trying to make me look like the stupid idiot crazy girl who doesn't know sh*t from sherry. That pisses me off. I understand a lot more than what people give me credit for. A hell of a lot more! People try to use my weaknesses against me. To try to hurt me that way... Because that's the only way they think they can... Sometimes it works, but because I'm letting it get to me. I don't have to. Their words don't even always mean what they sound like. My interpretation is mine alone. This is why I'm so disgustingly misunderstood all the time. That, and most people don't appreciate me to begin with. You must value a person before you can value their opinion.
All this stuff that goes on with the guys in my life. I mean the drama... It's to bring my feelings out. Feelings I'm not exactly ready to deal with.
My last relationship wasn't exactly ideal. If you put two insecure people together and hope they find security in each other... Well... Sometimes it works, but in most cases the insecurities people have with themselves will bleed all over it. Broken hearts just bleeding and those two people damage each other even more. Even without meaning to.
I've had time to think. I realize I do deserve more and maybe most people simply cannot appreciate my efforts. And those who cannot appreciate them will not be able to return the effort. Things have changed a lot. The last few months have been hard, but I'm learning things. I'm starting to feel better than I was before because each day I'm stronger than before.
My ex is STILL contacting me and telling me how happy he is with his new girlfriend... He keeps wondering why we can't be friends and said I'd like his new girlfriend if I met her... Does he seriously think I'd be all like: "Sure! We can still be friends (even though you said all kinds of sh*t about me behind my back, don't trust me, betrayed our trust more than once, keep trying to make me jealous with this new girl?)! I he crazy or is it just me? Do I not deserve better than that? I think I do. I finally realize that people will treat me better. Or at least they should. Should is a lofty word. Like he *should* leave me alone to start my life anew. Without him in it. Instead of asking me for my friendship that he took for granted for all of that time. Got mad at me for not being exactly what he was looking for. Sorry, I'm not perfect. And in case you have not noticed, nobody is. The people who think they have done 'nothing wrong' will not take responsibility for their mistakes. So therefore they will never admit making mistakes... Therefore will never apologize and never deserve another chance.
I've been having other problems in another area. Problems relating. Communicating. I'm not sure what to do about it so I'm leaving it. I try so hard for nothing in return and it frustrates the hell out of me. What also frustrates the hell out of me is having to constantly explain myself to people who don't understand me at all. There are some times when I can get through and we finally agree on something. But getting to that point seems like such a contest of wills... Who will be right? Who wants to be right more? Who wants their feelings validated and appreciated? Who has to struggle harder for recognition? It's the same sh*t over and over and over again! Why can't people stop trying to be right? Why must they be so egotistical? Why must they be so ignorant as to think I'd be comfortable being friends with you after you trash me and meeting your new lover? Can it get any more insensitive and ridiculous than that?
Also I brought a lot of this shit into my life because I was unable to say no! Enough is enough! I could never stand up to anyone and say "Hey! I'm not going to let you take advantage of me anymore." Because I've been nice. I've tried too hard in a lot of wrong ways. I realize that. Socially, I'm an idiot. I know I am, which makes trying to relate to other people so much harder. But the loneliness is what is making it hard for me. Even though I am alone because I'm supposed to be alone to figure this sh*t out by myself. Even though counselling is helping me see things, I still have to do all this work. And there is a lot of it to do. I'm the one who has to do it for myself. I'm the one I'm doing it for. When I get a lot of this work done I will feel better. I really will. All these setbacks are lessons on how to cope with setbacks. I have come a long way though... Even if I'm the only one who sees it. Not everyone knows my past so they won't see it as much as I do.
I hate when people try to make me look stupid. That really pisses me off. Trying to make me look like the stupid idiot crazy girl who doesn't know sh*t from sherry. That pisses me off. I understand a lot more than what people give me credit for. A hell of a lot more! People try to use my weaknesses against me. To try to hurt me that way... Because that's the only way they think they can... Sometimes it works, but because I'm letting it get to me. I don't have to. Their words don't even always mean what they sound like. My interpretation is mine alone. This is why I'm so disgustingly misunderstood all the time. That, and most people don't appreciate me to begin with. You must value a person before you can value their opinion.
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