Okay, so I have been busy... Busier than before. I am trying to get as much out of life as I can although I stilll feel like my life has already been written before I was born. Like everything I do and have ever don, AND whatever I will do has already been written because it has already happened before. ALL of it. Like I was supposed to start this blog. I was supposed to meet the people I met through it. Like Sean and his good friend Rawl. Also Vinicio. Everyone I met through here. I know I don't have a lot to say (of any real value) and I don't have a lot of friends. And even my closest friends don't know about my blog. I guess I have been storing my life and thoughts and feeling in posts so that whenever I die, they all can have this and do whatever they want with it. I hope that when that comes, someone can include this blog as a biography of Abby. AND call it that: BIOGRAPHY OF ABBY. I want to write a story of my mental illnesses. There are only a few people apart from my immediate family who know about my things that I say. It's like tourettes but it's like something worse than that. Like tourettes mixed with PTSD and OCD. I started saying this 'phrase' when I was a kid. About 9 years old. Maybe something happened to me around my 9th birthday that tramatized me so much that I started saying it.
About this phrase: (Since I need to start another paragraph) and I'm bad about knowing when to start a new paragraph... So... Anyway.. It started being something I 'say' sporatically' and I just kept saying it... When I told my friend Jay... He said it was the first time in his life he ever heard anyone tell him this... I told him that it wasn't my fault, that it just comes out sometimes. The older I get, the more control I have over it. Yeah, I forgot to mention that part... It comes out... I blurt it out spontaneously but I'm getting better at not doing it as much around strangers.
Okay, if you have read this far... I will let you in on a secret. I've had this blog for 10 years and this is the first time I am admitting this publicly and also admitting it to strangers... But oh well... Since I'm already talking about it... Yes... It has to do with birthdays. Birthdays has a significant meaning to me. Not only mine, but others as well. Anyway...
So it has to do with birthdays... That is why I mentioned it is like Tourettes + PTSD + OCD. Which it probably is at this point... I have a habit of blurting out: "Tomorrow's My Birthday." But I say it without thinking about saying it. When thoughts come into my heads that I have a hard time getting rid of or if I am stressed out... I say it. I say it repeatedly sometimes. Like 10 or more times in a row was the worst it was... When I got out of the hospital and started going to a regular high school and other stresses, (Being in a new foster home) I would say it alot, but I kinda knew I was saying it but I just kept saying it... Multiple times, every day.
The thing is that it has evolved. It has been "Tomorrow's My Birthday" for so long that I am getting used to it too much. Then my family just is sick of it. I say it around them the most. BUT they don't understand why I say it. It's like a big joke to them. It's not something I would tell everyone. But I am by writing this post. But this is pretty much a big secret for me because it is hard to explain to someone who just does not understand why I say it and that I don't exactly have complete control over it, yet.
So... Now that I told this big secret of mine... Let me explain a bit more... Yes, you probably think I am crazyu. Go ahead and think whatever you want, but the truth will be revealed...
So this secret I told... I;ve had some very embarrassing moments with it. Very. When I was in the group homes and foster homes... I said it alot because those were very stressful times for me. So I kept saying it over and over again, but if I said it in front of someone I didn't know who didn't know about my little 'problem' they would believe me and go as far as bake me a cake, a few times. So I had to explain. I hate the whole: 'I say this because I have mental problems' speech. I really hate it, but since I don't say it as much anymore... I seem to be coping better with my afflictions.
I still can't believe I've told everyone (whoever reads my blog) about my stupid mental problem... Well, one of them... So I have thought about writing an auto-biography about my life, but I think blogger has helped me with that in the last 10 years.... I can't believe how long it's been... Time flies!
So yeah... I have mental illnesses and that is why I am working part time and other things... But still. I want to keep my options open as much as I can to see if something good actually comes my way. After years of craziness... Enough craziness to make me crazy.... Something good might be in store for me. Not that I am ready for that, but I am on my way to getting ready for it. That should count for something. The good part of feeling like you whole life is pre-written... Is that you don't have to feel like you need to take control anymore. There is no control over you life. Because it is what it already is. Your life WAS over before you STARTED living. Everything you do, say... Everyone you met and EVERYTHING you've done along the way are people you ALREADY MET and everything you've ALREADY DONE! So I don't have to feel so bad and so wrong because all the choices I ever make have already been made and already affected me... Yes, it is hard to explain things when you are ME!
BUT! The good thing about being me is the older I get, the less I care what other people think about me. I used to care probably way too much (you can tell on posts I bled my heart dry on). But now, I realize that time nis more valuable. I think I`ve always known that, but started feeling it more after I turned 30. Anyway... My point was that now I`m 30 and I can sit there and wonder why all the other girls around me are trying so hard and I really don`t give a crap. Yes, I went to a bar tonight... But I noticed the waitresses were being more flirty with the guys than they might usually be. The guys were kind of checking me out, but they are usually too scared to make a move... Or they will look at me when I`m not looking (only I can still see them looking at me) Which I find hilarious and I feel like laughing each time.
They will look at me and hope I go over and talk to them. When I am sitting there not giving a f*ck who they are or what they want. I have to act like that. Not that I want to, really. It just helps me feel better about being 'alone' but even when I seem to be alone, I'm never alone. I won't explain that. The TMB thing was bad enough... Hope you get a good laugh out of it, at the very least. Meanwhile I'm stuck with blurting it out. only it has a "not your's!!" at the end of it now and tomorrow is sometimes replaced with YESTERDAY and sometimes TODAY.
So SLEEP on THAT!!!
About this phrase: (Since I need to start another paragraph) and I'm bad about knowing when to start a new paragraph... So... Anyway.. It started being something I 'say' sporatically' and I just kept saying it... When I told my friend Jay... He said it was the first time in his life he ever heard anyone tell him this... I told him that it wasn't my fault, that it just comes out sometimes. The older I get, the more control I have over it. Yeah, I forgot to mention that part... It comes out... I blurt it out spontaneously but I'm getting better at not doing it as much around strangers.
Okay, if you have read this far... I will let you in on a secret. I've had this blog for 10 years and this is the first time I am admitting this publicly and also admitting it to strangers... But oh well... Since I'm already talking about it... Yes... It has to do with birthdays. Birthdays has a significant meaning to me. Not only mine, but others as well. Anyway...
So it has to do with birthdays... That is why I mentioned it is like Tourettes + PTSD + OCD. Which it probably is at this point... I have a habit of blurting out: "Tomorrow's My Birthday." But I say it without thinking about saying it. When thoughts come into my heads that I have a hard time getting rid of or if I am stressed out... I say it. I say it repeatedly sometimes. Like 10 or more times in a row was the worst it was... When I got out of the hospital and started going to a regular high school and other stresses, (Being in a new foster home) I would say it alot, but I kinda knew I was saying it but I just kept saying it... Multiple times, every day.
The thing is that it has evolved. It has been "Tomorrow's My Birthday" for so long that I am getting used to it too much. Then my family just is sick of it. I say it around them the most. BUT they don't understand why I say it. It's like a big joke to them. It's not something I would tell everyone. But I am by writing this post. But this is pretty much a big secret for me because it is hard to explain to someone who just does not understand why I say it and that I don't exactly have complete control over it, yet.
So... Now that I told this big secret of mine... Let me explain a bit more... Yes, you probably think I am crazyu. Go ahead and think whatever you want, but the truth will be revealed...
So this secret I told... I;ve had some very embarrassing moments with it. Very. When I was in the group homes and foster homes... I said it alot because those were very stressful times for me. So I kept saying it over and over again, but if I said it in front of someone I didn't know who didn't know about my little 'problem' they would believe me and go as far as bake me a cake, a few times. So I had to explain. I hate the whole: 'I say this because I have mental problems' speech. I really hate it, but since I don't say it as much anymore... I seem to be coping better with my afflictions.
I still can't believe I've told everyone (whoever reads my blog) about my stupid mental problem... Well, one of them... So I have thought about writing an auto-biography about my life, but I think blogger has helped me with that in the last 10 years.... I can't believe how long it's been... Time flies!
So yeah... I have mental illnesses and that is why I am working part time and other things... But still. I want to keep my options open as much as I can to see if something good actually comes my way. After years of craziness... Enough craziness to make me crazy.... Something good might be in store for me. Not that I am ready for that, but I am on my way to getting ready for it. That should count for something. The good part of feeling like you whole life is pre-written... Is that you don't have to feel like you need to take control anymore. There is no control over you life. Because it is what it already is. Your life WAS over before you STARTED living. Everything you do, say... Everyone you met and EVERYTHING you've done along the way are people you ALREADY MET and everything you've ALREADY DONE! So I don't have to feel so bad and so wrong because all the choices I ever make have already been made and already affected me... Yes, it is hard to explain things when you are ME!
BUT! The good thing about being me is the older I get, the less I care what other people think about me. I used to care probably way too much (you can tell on posts I bled my heart dry on). But now, I realize that time nis more valuable. I think I`ve always known that, but started feeling it more after I turned 30. Anyway... My point was that now I`m 30 and I can sit there and wonder why all the other girls around me are trying so hard and I really don`t give a crap. Yes, I went to a bar tonight... But I noticed the waitresses were being more flirty with the guys than they might usually be. The guys were kind of checking me out, but they are usually too scared to make a move... Or they will look at me when I`m not looking (only I can still see them looking at me) Which I find hilarious and I feel like laughing each time.
They will look at me and hope I go over and talk to them. When I am sitting there not giving a f*ck who they are or what they want. I have to act like that. Not that I want to, really. It just helps me feel better about being 'alone' but even when I seem to be alone, I'm never alone. I won't explain that. The TMB thing was bad enough... Hope you get a good laugh out of it, at the very least. Meanwhile I'm stuck with blurting it out. only it has a "not your's!!" at the end of it now and tomorrow is sometimes replaced with YESTERDAY and sometimes TODAY.
So SLEEP on THAT!!!
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