All I've been doing lately is knitting and reading. Yes, I have to do much more reading. And writing, too. Also I have to sit down and plan a few things out because it's always good to have a plan. Yet, I fail to plan. By failing to plan, you plan to fail. I guess that's been a repeating factor in my life. This is one good reason I haven't made much of an advancement and I'm in the same state as I was months ago. Maybe not, but it does feel like it. It feels like I haven't moved forward. Maybe the changes have been so small that they don't feel like they are there. Maybe I should look at it that way instead of thinking I haven't changed at all. Even if I haven't changed at all. Knowing I haven't changed at all after making an effort would be discouraging.
The last thing I need is discouragement. I need encouragement to keep motivated. Yes, it would be ideal if I could encourage myself. I get easily frustrated. It seems when I get into a good tract of getting things done, I receive a big lag. That makes me question myself, my methods, everything. It usually happens whenever I put someone before myself. I usually put others before myself, but it seems when I do that for a long time, I don't focus on myself. Balance has always been a hard part for me, too.
Just as summer is ending, I feel like I've wasted a lot of time. Of course I have wasted years. Literally years. That is a sad fact of my life. That I have wasted years. Just existing. It pisses me off. I piss myself off. Because I should be making the most of the time I have. I have this time, now. Not forever. I hate myself for procrastinating EVERYTHING. Then I waste that time. I understand all this, but yet I don't do anything about it. Because I'm stuck like this. I hate it. It pisses me off and yet, it still remains the same. To feed that internal, eternal anger. The anger that keeps simmering and simmering. Yet, I am forced to keep it within me and not do anything about it because according to 'society' it shouldn't be there in the first place. Society says we're not supposed to be angry and that if we are, we have to 'manage' it in certain ways.
I guess as long as I keep trying, I'll get somewhere one day. I can't get anywhere by doing nothing. I know that. It's all about implementing 'plans'. I'm really going to try harder from now on. I want to. I really do. Just some internal resistance. Always something in there holding me back. I don't know what it is. I'm the only one doing it to myself. I'm the one standing in my way. Of course there will be other restrictions, too, but a lot of it comes from within.
The last thing I need is discouragement. I need encouragement to keep motivated. Yes, it would be ideal if I could encourage myself. I get easily frustrated. It seems when I get into a good tract of getting things done, I receive a big lag. That makes me question myself, my methods, everything. It usually happens whenever I put someone before myself. I usually put others before myself, but it seems when I do that for a long time, I don't focus on myself. Balance has always been a hard part for me, too.
Just as summer is ending, I feel like I've wasted a lot of time. Of course I have wasted years. Literally years. That is a sad fact of my life. That I have wasted years. Just existing. It pisses me off. I piss myself off. Because I should be making the most of the time I have. I have this time, now. Not forever. I hate myself for procrastinating EVERYTHING. Then I waste that time. I understand all this, but yet I don't do anything about it. Because I'm stuck like this. I hate it. It pisses me off and yet, it still remains the same. To feed that internal, eternal anger. The anger that keeps simmering and simmering. Yet, I am forced to keep it within me and not do anything about it because according to 'society' it shouldn't be there in the first place. Society says we're not supposed to be angry and that if we are, we have to 'manage' it in certain ways.
I guess as long as I keep trying, I'll get somewhere one day. I can't get anywhere by doing nothing. I know that. It's all about implementing 'plans'. I'm really going to try harder from now on. I want to. I really do. Just some internal resistance. Always something in there holding me back. I don't know what it is. I'm the only one doing it to myself. I'm the one standing in my way. Of course there will be other restrictions, too, but a lot of it comes from within.
No comments:
Post a Comment